Islands Fine Burgers & Drinks: Island Style, Brah!!!!

For whatever reason, I've been on a real corporate restaurant kick lately!!!! I usually don't go corporate with my eating, but recently I've had a rebirth of sorts when it comes to my appreciation of multi-location chain eateries!!!! "You are witnesses of the re-birth of Spinal Tap!!!! Hope you enjoy our new direction!!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Has anybody seen that movie?!?!?!?!?!?! Come at me if you have!!!!!!! So classic!!!!!!!!
So, I had a day off recently and just needed some time away to be by myself and eat a lot of food and drink a lot of beer!!!! I mean, what else do you do if you have a day off from work and nothing to do?!?!?!?!?! You overeat and get drunk, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
With my recent infatuation with corporate burger places, there is an Islands on Tustin Ave. that I drive by all the time but have never actually been to!!!! I've been to the Islands in Irvine when I worked close by there a few years back and I used to meet some friends at the Islands in Laguna Hills a long long time ago, but that one has since closed down!!!
Anyway, with a day to kill and with the need to stuff my mouth full of greasy nourishment and multiple malted hops beverages, my plan was to hit Islands on Tustin Ave. just as happy hour was starting so I could get beer and appetizers on the cheap and experience fulfillment, satisfaction, and euphoria that nothing else in this life can bring!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
But, happy hour doesn't start until 4pm at Islands, so I had some time to waste!!!!! What to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?! How about going into the air conditioned dollar theater at the Main Place Mall?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Does that make me weird?!?!?!?!?!?! Going to the movies in the middle of the day all by myself?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Whatever, I don't care!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! OK, so this is why I hate going to the movies!!! When I walked into the the theater, it was practically empty!!!! Great, I've got the whole theater to myself so I can enjoy the film with no distractions!!!! But just as the lights were going down, some douche bag walks into the theater and sits down directly in front of me!!!!!! Dude, we're sitting in an empty g-damn theater full of many good seats and you have to sit down right in front of me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Dammit that was annoying!!!!!! And on top of that the guy kept taking out his cell phone and checking his e-mails and text messages during the movie!!!!!! Note to movie-goers: When you take your cell phone out and start playing with it in a dark theater in the middle of a movie, it's a massive distraction for those sitting behind you and beside you!!!!!!! There are people in the world who exist other than you!!!!!!!! What the hell is with people and their lack of common courtesy?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Eventually, I got up and moved to a different part of the theater!!!!!! But let me just say that I am not a proponent of government sanctioned killings!!!!!! However, if you bring a screaming baby into a movie theater, if you talk during a movie, or if you take out your cell phone to text or take a call in the middle of a movie, you effing deserve the death penalty!!!!!!!!!!! If you do any of those things, our government should take you out into the middle of the street and shoot you in a firing line for all the public to see!!!!!! Old school public execution style!!!!! I swear to Christ I'm not exaggerating and would wholeheartedly support legislation to punish rude a-holes who lack common courtesy and fail to acknowledge the existence of others at movie theaters!!!!!!!!! Shesus that's irritating!!!!!!!
OK, sorry for the negativity!!!!! When the movie was over it was 4pm and it was the happiest hour of the day at Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks!!!!!!!!!! Hhhhhhhuuuuuuuyyyyyyeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I walked in to Islands and took a seat at the bar!!!!! The first thing I noticed about Islands is that they have a fantastic atmosphere!!!!! The whole place is decorated Island style and has the feel of a beach bar, like you're walking up from the sand after a long surfing session and need to throw back a few beers!!!!!!!!! Also, the way they configure their TV's in the bar is great!!!!! They have 3 large flat screen TV's all right next to each other in a U-shape that follows the pattern of the bar, so whatever part of the U-shaped bar you are sitting on, you have a large flat screen right in front of you so it's ideal for watching sports while sucking back beer and food!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! After my bad experience at the theater earlier, I desparately needed some high powered endorphins to flow through my brain to cheer me up and help me forget about what had just happened!!!!! And what better way to do that than by eating and drinking a tremendous amount of food and beer!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
My first order of business: Beer!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahaha!!!! It was hot and muggy and a lighter tasting ice-cold lager sounded brilliant!!!!! The beer of choice for the day was an Islands Golden Lager!!!! This was a medium bodied pale lager with some hints of fruit!!!!! This beer was ice-cold and was so good tasting!!!!! The bartender mentioned to me that Karl Strauss does the brewing of Islands beers!!!!!! Such a good beer and I will return to Islands just to drink that golden colored lager!!!!!! So with a pint of beer in my empty belly, the alcohol was making me dizzy and my stomach started to shake like a 7.9 magnitude earthquake in the Phillipines!!!!!!! Hey, God bless the people of the Phillipines!! Our thoughts and prayers are with you!!!!!
To satisfy my booze induced hunger, I started off with Spinach Artichoke Dip, Beachside Sliders, and Tiki Tenders which are chicken strips!!!!!! All of these appetizers were nothing short of amazing!!!! The Spinach Artichoke Dip was hot, moist, and rich and had the ability to make me understand why Tweekers have difficulty getting clean!!!! When something makes you feel that good and brings that much pleasure to your body, you don't ever ever want to let it go!!!!!! This Spinach Artichoke Dip was so good that I am now a sympathizer of drug addicts!!!!!!! Wow!!!!! I know why you guys cant stop using!!!!!! I get it!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahashahaha!!!! Though drug addiction is no laughing matter...
Next were the Beachside Sliders!!!!! OK, no joke, maybe the best sliders I have ever had... EVER!!!!!!! Unbelievable!!!!! The buns on these things were toasted to perfection and the carmelized onions as well as the melted cheese and beef doused in ketchup made me want to curl up in a little ball and never ever leave Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! To finish off my appetizer time, were the Tiki Tenders!!!!! These were fine!!! Nothing special, but good nonetheless!!!!! They had a nice crispiness and spice to them which made them go great with the beer!!!!
After appetizers I was ready for the main course, or should I say main courses!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
Islands is known for their burgers, so, I went with three burgers off of their menu!!!!!!! I would've had more but I had three pretty hearty appetizers!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! The burgers I went with were the Kilauea Burger, Hula Burger, and the Bluenami!!!! Just before I placed my order of three burgers the nice lady behind the bar thought I was going to leave as she was getting my check ready, but NO!!!!! I was only getting started!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! When I asked her for those three burgs, she just kind of looked at me with a blank stare for a few moments and then said, "OK." The first burg I had was the Kilauea!!!! This had on it jalapeno's, pepper jack cheese, and a spicy chipotle mayo along with lettuce tomato and onions!!!! The Kilauea is a phenomenal burger!!! It was pretty damn spicy though, I'm not going to lie!!!!! Very juicy and full of flavor!!!! An excellent burg!!!! Second was the Hula Burger!!!! The Hula had on it mushrooms, swiss, lettuce and tomato's!!!!! This was probably my favorite burger at Islands!!! When I took that first bite into the Hula, the flavors that met my tongue were so pleasing that I proceeded to devour this burger like a pelican sitting on the rail at Huntington Beach Pier devours a fish!!!!!! Like, they just put the fish in their long beaks and swallow the damn thing whole!!!!!! That was me eating the Hula!!!!! It was so g-damn good that I finished it off in like three bites!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! At this point in my meal, I started to hit the dreaded food wall and was worried that I wouldn't be able to finish off the last burger of the day, the Bluenami!!!!! I needed an injection of Ghrelin into my system to complete my Islands experience!!!!! More Ghrelin!!!!! More Ghrelin I say!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! For the Bluenami, I was going to have to push through the pain, but in the end it would prove to be well worth it!!!!!!!! The Bluenami had on it Blue Cheese as well as lettuce, tomato, and onion!!! Again, this was a fabulous burger!!!! The meat was so juicy and tender and to combine that with the blue cheese on it made pushing myself to finish this meal a painless conclusion to my journey!!!!!!! When I had polished off the last bite of the Bluenami and pushed the empty basket away from me, the bartender came over to me with a look of disbelief on her face and said, "I've never seen anybody eat that much food before!" YEAH!!!!!!!! Success!!!!!! She then nervously asked me, "Do you want anything else?"
"Well, being that you've asked," I said, "How about a chocolate milkshake to wash it all down!"
"Wow!" she exclaimed! "I've never seen anybody consume so much in one sitting!!"
"Thank you," I replied... Why the hell do the last five sentences of this review read like a book?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Anyway, the real end of the journey was capped off with an Islands Chocolate Shake!!!! This shake was so rich and so creamy that it's not even fair!!! Is there any justice in the world?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! No!!!!!! After slurping up this shake, I thought to myself, "It's not fair!!!!!! This is so g-damn good that it isn't even fair!!!!!! Not even!!!!!!" Quite possibly the best milkshake I have ever had in all my time here on planet earth!!!!! Wow!!!!! Oh, and the fries are OK... Not the best I've ever had but OK.
In conclusion, I would wholeheartedly recommend Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks!!!! The saying 'all things in moderation' does not seem to apply to me!!!! I've yet to experience the benefits of moderation!!!! Or subconsciously, I just don't believe in moderation!!!! We'll go with the latter!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! When it comes to Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks, Chris Farley said it best in the movie Black Sheep when he was stoned on the stage with Mudhoney when he screamed, "You've got yourself some kick as* sh*t!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Eat hard, or don't eat at all!!!!!! I love you Islands!!!!!!!

Red Robin: A Corporate Burger Has Never Been This Good!!!!

I don't have a lot of people who read this blog, but I look at the stats every once in awhile and see that there are some people who check this site out!!! Hey, if you're the guy from Sweden, come at me!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I honestly don't care that hardly anybody reads my blog!!!! I'm fine with it!!!!! In the words of Ivan Drago from Rocky IV, I do this blog for me.... For Me!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! It's more of a creative outlet and an escape from my marriage that will soon end!!!!! And I'm sad about that!!!!!!  But look, there is something very important that I want to share with the very limited number of readers who might read my food reviews!!!!!! There is something I lay awake each night pondering, wrestling with, wondering about!!! There is a question that runs through my brain at night regarding how I can live out a certain concept more fully and vibrantly in my life!!!! It has nothing to do with being generous, or kind, helping those who are less fortunate, or stopping wars!!! Though those things are important and I would encourage everybody to be more generous, kind, loving, and peaceful!!!!! But to those who read this blog, if there is one credo, one mantra, one sustaining principle, one life tenet to build the entirety of your existence upon, it would be this.... Be Outeating Your Opponents!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Outeat them I say!!!!!! It's as simple as that!!!!!! When you sit down at the dinner table and stare across the vast spread of food to see your wife, husband, mother, father, brother, sister, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, cousin, nephews, or whoever... that is your opponent!!!!!!!!!! Do you understand that?!?!?!?!?!?! They are your opponents!!!!!! Make absolutely no mistake about that!!!! Don't!!!!! Anybody who you sit down at the table with to have any meal with is your opponent, and when it comes to your opponents, you outeat them!!!!!!!!!! You do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll say it once more, Be Outeating Your Opponents!!! That's what I lay awake at night wondering about!!! How can do a better job of outeating my opponents!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

So with that, I went to Red Robin Gourmet Burgers not long ago and decided that I was going to put my money where my mouth was and outeat my opponents!!!!! And who were my opponents that day?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Everybody in the g-damn restaurant, that's who!!!!!!!!! I wanted to make damn well sure that when I walked out the doors of Red Robin that afternoon, nobody else would walk in during operating hours and devour more food than I would!!!! Hell, I wanted to make sure that nobody that week, or even for the entire year would eat more food than me during my visit to Red Robin!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Actually, I'm a Red Robin veteran but had not been in quite some time!!!!!!! I've eaten there on a number of occasions and used to go pretty regularly and kept returning due to their fine tasting burgers and bottomless steak fries!!!!!!!! It's a lot of g-damn food, baby!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! 

What brought me back to Red Robin however was that I was cleaning out some old drawers in my office and found two Red Robin gift cards!!!!! I couldn't remember if they had been used or not, so one afternoon I decided to have lunch at Red Robin and find out if there was any remaining balance on these bad boys!!! If not, then I'd just pay full-price and it'd be a glorious meal and moment for me!!!!!! When I walked in to Red Robin and sat at the bar, I asked the nice lady behind the counter if she could check the balance of my newly discovered Red Robin gift cards!!!! Her response: "Wow, these are really old!!!" I guess the design on them hadn't been seen in quite some time!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! When she ran them through the computer she informed me that both of them had $25 on them!!!! $50 worth of food at Red Robin?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Oh yes indeed!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I was so so starving when I walked into Red Robin that afternoon for lunch!!!! The ketosis in my body was evident as my breath smelled weird and I could feel the fat from my gut being cleaved to provide energy to my weary calorie deficient body!!!!!!!

So in wanting to walk the talk as well as living out my faith when it comes to my life motto of "Outeat Your Opponent", I ordered 5, count em' five burgers from Red Robin that afternoon!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! And that included the bottomless fries that comes with them!!!!!!!!!

When I placed my order, the woman taking my order asked me if I was getting this to-go, to take back to people in my office?!?!?!?! Uhhhhhhhh, nope!!!! These are all for me and I will be enjoying them here at the bar!!!! She paused and asked, "are you serious?!?!" Hey, I am serious as the heart attack I'll probably have after eating five burgers in a row!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! "Do you want them all at once or do you want me to bring them to you one after another?!" she asked!!!!! "One after another!" I told her! This was going to be so awesome!!!!!!! I love eating and I love food!!!!!!! More than anything!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

In ordering, I wanted a good variety and range of the burgers that Red Robin has to offer so I decided on the Prime Chophouse Burger, The Sauteed Shroom Burger, The Burnin' Love Burger, the Guacamole Bacon Burger, and the Blue Ribbon Burger!!!!!!

Let me just say right off the bat, that a corporate burger restaurant has no business being this good!!!!!! Jesus God Red Robin burgers are tasty!!!!! The quality of meat is fantastic, the seasoning they use for the beef is world class, the toppings are fresh, and the combinations of veggies and sauces they use for their burgers are dreamlike!!!!!!!!! Make no mistake that this is highly addictive food that I dream of all throughout the day and week!!!!!! As I'm lying in bed at night, I don't think about making love to my wife or what I can do to salvage our deteriorating marriage, but rather I think of how soon I can get back to Red Robin and what burger(s) I'm going to devour once I get there!!!!!! Do I have a problem?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Do I?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! 

OK, so the first burger was the Prime Chophouse Burger!!! This was probably my favorite of the five burgs I had!!!! The Prime Chophouse had on it horseradish, mushrooms, onion strings, provolone, and a dijon sauce!!!! This burger was so flavorful and juicy!!!!! Horseradish sauce on a burger is genius!!!!! I had never had that before, but absolutely loved it and will now make horseradish as a staple topping for every single burger I eat from here on out!!!!!!!!! Wow this was a good burger!!!
Next was the Sauteed Shroom  Burger!!!!!! I too loved this burger!!!! I absolutely love mushrooms on everything!!! Be it burgers, pizza, quesadillas, you name it and I love mounds and mounds of sauteed mushrooms on whatever it is!!!!!! And these particular shrooms on the Sauteed Shroom Burger combined with Swiss cheese and chipotle mayo that comes on it was filled with so much tastiness and so much goodness, that the Catholics could probably substitute this burger in place of their holy water!!!!!!!! If I was a priest not only would I bless holy water, but I would bless this burger and implement it into baptism and whatever else holy water is used for!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Thirdly they brought out the Burnin' Love Burger!!!!!! I love spicy food!!!!! This burger came with jalepeno's, salsa, pepperjack cheese, lettuce, tomato, and chipotle mayo!!!!!! Again, the flavor combinations on this burger were phenomonal!!!!! It tasted so good going down, but later that night, my ass was on fiiiiiyyyyyaaaaaahhhhhh, if you know what I mean!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! 
Fourth, they brought out the Guacamole Bacon Burger!!! This is a decent burger!!!! I mean, it's a good burger, and I have no real complaints about it, but it was the one I felt least enthusiastic about. But if you like Guacamole Bacon Burgers, then you will enjoy this burg!!!!!!! 
Lastly, I had the Blue-Ribbon Burger!!!!! I really loved this grilled beef sandwich creation!!!!! I love Blue-Cheese dressing, and to put it on a burger is nothing short of Stephen Hawking genius!!!!! It had on it blue-cheese, onion strings, lettuce, tomato, and chipotle mayo!!!!!! Beautiful, just beautiful I say!!!!!! I was so emotionally moved by the flavor of these burgers, that I'm not ashamed to admit that tears were welling up in my eyes with each bite I took!!!!!! I'm not ashamed to admit that!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

With each of the burgers they came with bottomless steak fries!!!!!!! I don't even know how many baskets of fries I had that day, but let's just say it was a lot!!!!!! I can honestly say that I had more starch in my belly that day than a high end business man has in his laundry room!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! 

When my food was gone, the nice lady brought me over my bill, but I told her I wanted to order dessert!!!! "Are you serious?!?!" she asked!!!!! "Yes!" I replied!!!! I needed something sweet to balance out all the saltiness and spiciness!!!!! So, I went for a monster sized Cookie Magic milkshake which is basically a chocolate milkshake with Oreo crumbles and a few rainbow sprinkles!!!!! Being that it was monster sized it came with a refill in that silver tin shake can!!! This was a fabulous fabulous shake!!!! Really rich, creamy, and sweet!!!! I would definitely order this shake again!!!! Soooooooooo good!!!!!!!!

OK look! I'm not going to lie!! I ate all of that Red Robin food at around 11:30am and I didn't eat anything for the rest of the day, and even skipped breakfast the next morning!!!!! I was really full and felt pretty sick afterwards because there was just so much food in my stomach!!!!!! But was it worth it?!?!?!?!?!?! YES!!!!!!!!! Plus I slept well that night knowing that I had fulfilled my life's vison and purpose for the day by outeating all of my opponents!!!!! I know there are people out there who can eat way more than me, but I slept well knowing that I had probably eaten the most in one sitting for the year at Red Robin, maybe ever!!!!!!! Wouldn't that be an honor?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

If you want a good burger, then look no further than Red Robin!!!!!!!! Absolutely outstanding and flavorful burgers!!!!!!! Plus you can't beat the fact that they have bottomless fries which are really good when you put the Red Robin seasoning on them!!!!!!!!!! Outeat your opponents when you come here, and you will feel so much peace and goodness in your heart!!!!! But just make sure that you don't outeat me!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Do this place and do it hard!!!!!!!!!

Chili's Grill and Bar: Friday Night They'll be Dressed to Kill, Down at Chili's Grill & Bar... Hey Wait! That Doesn't Rhyme!!! Ahahahahahahaha!!!!

I believe it was Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers franchise who very brilliantly and eloquently spoke these beautiful thoughtful words which comprise one of the most emotionally moving sayings in the history of the English Language!!!! And that includes Anglo Saxon!!!! These words I speak of?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Get ready for them, because here they come!!!!!!.... "I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back. I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back...." Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Chili's baby!!!!!! When it comes to restaurants I like to eat at and review for this blog, I like to go with the non-corporate, neighborhood places!!!!! Sometimes I go corporate or fast food, but not usually!!!!! Recently however, somebody gave my wife a gift card to Chili's as a "Thank You" for her work as a teacher, so it seemed as though fate was speaking to us and pointing us towards the fine corporate eatery known as Chili's Grill & Bar!!!!!!!! And not to give too much of my findings away about my experience at Chili's but, Fate, I love you and thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!!!!! At least this time I thank you!!!!!!! Sometimes we have a rough go of things and I consider you to be my bitch lover!!!!!! But this time, Fate, you were good to me!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Anywho, my wife hates Chili's so in a rare form of generosity on her part, she handed me her Chili's gift card along with two words, "have fun!" Huuuuuuuuuuyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! I love my wife!!!! Just as long as she doesn't divorce me, which she probably will!!!!!!! So, a Sunday or two ago, the Mrs. wasn't home and I was totally bored and it was so g-damn hot out!!!! With that, I looked into my wallet, saw the Chili's card and thought to myself, "Well, I've got my Sunday planned!!!!!!" YESSSSS!!!!!!

In my early twenties, when I was right out of college, me and a couple of buddies would meet at Chili's Grill & Bar about once a week to drink beer and watch sports!!!! I always remembered the food being tasty and the memories positive, but it had been quite awhile since I had walked through the doors of a Chili's Grill & Bar!!!!!!! One of the habits that I have formed as I've gotten a little older is that when I get bored, I drink!!!!! Day drinking is actually pretty fun!!!! I used to force myself to wait until dinner time to begin imbibing!!! But when in a really bad marriage and bored off your ass on a weekend day, getting sloppy and overeating is a perfect way to spend a day and cope with the difficulties of life!!!!! That's truth!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

When I walked in to Chili's I took a seat at the bar and unfolded the menu sitting on the counter top!!!! One of the first things you'll notice when you walk in to the bar is that Chili's prides themselves on their margarita's!!!!! I'm more of a beer and wine guy, but hey, I can do an ice-cold margarita on a hot and humid day!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! So when the bartender approached me and asked me if I wanted a margarita, my response: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Needless to say, I started off my time at Chili's with a margarita!!! Like I said, I'm not a huge margarita drinker, but this margarita was ice-cold, full of flavor and wasted no time in getting me where I wanted to be that afternoon!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! After I had gotten the juices flowing so to speak with my margarita, I saw that they had Samuel Adams Summer Ale of tap!!!!! There is quite possibly no better beer to drink in the midst of 90 degrees and humidity in the middle of July than a Samuel Adams Summer Ale!!!!! So crisp, refreshing, and thirst quenching they could serve that malted hops beverage to guys who are in the middle of running the Boston Marathon and likely get exactly zero complaints!!!!!!! I'd absolutely bet on that!!!!! By the time I had polished off my margarita and two pints of Samuel, I was a little drowsy, if you know what I mean!!!! It was time soak up that alcohol with some snacks and satisfy the hunger the booze was bringing about!!!! One of the great things about the happy hour at Chili's is that they give you free chips and salsa!!!!! And, these are good chips and salsa and they come in a huge basket!!!!! The chips are fresh, crunchy, and oily while the salsa is of a high quality!!!!!!! I had them bring me out a plate of chips and salsa and they were nothing short of brilliant and life altering!!!!

As my appetite increased even more after eating the chips and salsa, I looked into the eyes of the bartender and ordered a Mushroom-Swiss Burger as well as a Shiner Bock Barbecue Burger!!! As I was ordering, the bartender began setting two places for food as though I was ordering for somebody meeting me at the bar later, but no!!!!! I had him remove the extra set of silver ware and napkins and communicated to him that both of these burgers will be for a party of one!!!!! Upon hearing that both burgers were for me, he slowly nodded his head and said, “OK. That’s impressive.”  And then a few minutes later... out they came!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

First, I tackled the Mushroom-Swiss Burger!!!! This was a very good burger!!! The combination of the juicy beef with the Swiss cheese and sautéed shitake mushrooms was mind blowing!!!!! Remember that Maxell tape add in the 80’s when the guy is sitting in his living room chair listening to music off of a Maxell tape and his shades are on and his hair is blowing back?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! That was me eating this burger!!!!! I was blown away!!!! It was so flavorful and impressive!!!!!! A beautiful beautiful burger!!!! Next, I went for the Shiner Bock Barbeque burger!!!! This too was an amazing burger!!!!! It had on it cheddar cheese, onion strings, and savory sweet Shiner Bock BBQ!!!! Also, there is something about eating food associated with Texas themed beer in horrid humidity that adds to this eating experience!!!! Again, wonderfully seasoned beef and flavor combinations on the Shiner Bock Barbecue Burger that make for a truly delightful eating moment!!!! Also, the fries at Chili’s are wonderful!!!! I love their fries!!!!! Whatever seasoning they sprinkle on to them makes for one of the best fried potato experiences in the history of corporate restaurant America!!!!! You can print that in the papers!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! After all the saltiness of my meal, I needed something sweet!!!! I looked at the back part of the menu and saw that they had chocolate milkshakes for $3.99!!!! It seemed like a perfect way to cap off my time at Chili’s!!!! However, I’ve gotta say that the chocolate milkshakes at Chili’s are wildly disappointing. The shake lacked a strong chocolaty flavor and was overly runny, like I was drinking a bland glass of chocolate milk. Honestly, I could’ve made a better chocolate shake at home, and for much cheaper. In the future, I will skip the chocolate shake from Chili’s. But other than that, Chili’s Bar & Grill was fantastic!!!!! I would wholeheartedly recommend Chili’s for their burgers, fries, margaritas, and happy hour!!!!!! Do this place and eat hard!!!!!! I love Chili’s and will be back very soon!!!! No doubt!!!!!!! Do it!!!!!!  

Old Tymer's Cafe: Who Is This That Beckons Me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

In Durango, Colorado, it get's pretty g-damn cold!!! Especially when the sun sets behind the caps of the San Juan Mountains at about 5pm!!!! Shesus it gets cold!!! And when the wind starts to blow, forget about it!!!!! But as I walked up and down Main Ave. with my heavy jacket on with multiple layers underneath, a wool cap insulating my head, and an alpaca scarf wrapped around my neck, my cheeks were turning red and my legs began to go numb!! I mean, it gets damn freezing in Colorado this time of year!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! One of the things that I've found, is that when it gets really really cold outside, like ass cold, my stomach starts to sound like a Grizzly Bear snarling and squeezing the life out of an Alaskan Salmon trying to work its way upstream!!!!! As my wife and I were walking along Main Ave., with hands numb and snot frozen to the insides of our nostrels, I smelled the wondrous redolent odor of hamburger beef coming from a restaurant sitting on the corner of Main and 10th!!!!! This wondrous odor of sizzling cow I speak of was emanating from none other than Olde Tymer's Cafe!!!!!!! This burger from Olde Tymer's was calling me, it beckoned me, it knew my name and seemed to beg for me to enter into the doors of the Olde Tymer's Cafe and rescue it from the oppressive hell of the Olde Tymer's Kitchen and deliver it into the sheltered, warm sanctuary of my mouth and stomach!!!! I'm coming Olde Tymer's burger!!!!! I'm coming for you!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Seriously though, the combination of frigid mountain air coupled with a numb face and the scent of charred beef escaping into the freezing Colorado winds leaves one violated when it comes to their free will!!!! When you smell that smell, you unalterably have no choice but to say, "I'm coming for you!!!!!!!!! I'm coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
When we walked into the doors of the Olde Tymer's Cafe and felt the warm air of the restaurants furnace strike our brisk shivering bodies, I immediately began to feel like a frozen Foster Farms chicken being defrosted in the microwave!!!!! The chills and numbness instantly began to wear off and I could feel melted snot rolling down on to the top of my lip!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I know, that's gross!!! Anyway, we noticed all the tables were full, but the bar was free so we headed for a couple of empty stools and took a seat!!! When we sat down I noticed a glorious surprise!!!! It was happy hour and they had Blue Moons for $2.75 a pint and Nacho's for $3.50 a plate!!!!! Would I like to experience the happy hour deal?!?!?! Uh, yes please!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Man, when they brought us those Blue Moon's, I slammed that orange flavored brew down like Tom Hanks slammed down coconut milk on that deserted island in the movie Cast Away!!!!!! After pint number one, I then began to feel a new numbness running through my body, but this numbness wasn't from the below freezing temperature outside!!! You know what I mean?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!
Soon they brought us our plate of nachos, and man were they good!! Plenty of gooey melted cheese, spicy jalapenos, and a cup of salsa that complimented the nachos nicely!!! Nacho's and beer are good, but when it's colder than Rush Limbaugh's heart outside and you're paying happy hour prices, the food and drink at Ole Tymer's seemed unparalleled!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Once the nacho plate was left with nothing but tortilla chip crumbs and grease and once we were well into pint number two with our companions of Blue Moon, out they came.... The Olde Tymer's Burger!!!!!!! I think it came on an onion bun and it had melted cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickle!!!!! You could see the heat rising from the meat patty and each time somebody opened the front door of the restaurant and we were reminded of the brisk mountain air that was outside awaiting us upon our departure, the burger seemed to smell and look that much more appetizing!!!!!! When I compiled all of my burger components together and gave my Olde Tymer's Burger a healthy dose of ketchup, I pushed that hot and juicy sandwich towards my face and the moment it hit my lips, I knew what real pleasure and real living was all about when it comes to human existence!! I mean I knew pleasure and living at that moment the same way King David knew Bathsheba that fateful night he was walking around the roof of his palace!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Let's just say my burger and I became familiar!!!! The Olde Tymer's Burger and The Olde Tymer's Cafe, is a truly excellent and quality burger!!!!! And the fries!!! Don't let me end this review without mentioning the fries!!!! The way they are fried and the seasoning that are put on them makes them taste like potato cakes of the most succulent and beautiful kind!!!! These fries are amazing and they complimented the burger and Blue Moon so so well!!!!!!
Whether you're going to Durango to ski, hike, mountain bike, shop, see Mesa Verde, or just sit in a bar and sample multiple brilliant Colorado microbrews, you've got to stop by Olde Tymer's Cafe!!!! Excellent food and you cannot beat the happy hour!!!! At least compared to what you'll find in Southern California!!!!! Hit this place and hit it hard!!!! You can get a lot of food for not that much money!!!!! Do it now!!!!! It's awesome!!!! Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Gilley's: Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places!!!

Upon my recent trip to Vegas, I ended up at this s-hole! Don't ask me how or why, but I just ended up here! Somebody I was with is actually a huge fan of the movie Urban Cowboy, so when we were walking by Treasure Island, well we just had to eat at Gilley's!!! Upon being dragged into Gilley's, my reaction can be summed up best by the words of Lloyd Christmas in the movie Dumb and Dumber, "Yipee!!!" Needless to say, I was a little... no no, I was extremely disappointed when we landed in this inbred, country western lunk head, hang-out!!! When we walked inside, there was a thirty minute wait, so we decided to walk over to the bar or saloon or whatever the hell it's called to have a few pops before our pager buzzed!!! When I walked up to the bar to buy the first round of beers, I was aghast at the selection of beers they had!!!! PBR, Bud Light, Coors, Miller Lite... I mean, really?!?! What the hell is the deal with cowboy's and their piss poor taste in beer?!?!?! I mean, are you guys that unsophisticated and simple that you can't appreciate a craft beer or an import?!?! Or is it that you guys are so close minded and intolerant in your political views that you refuse to experience or support anything outside the borders of the USA?!?!?! And and and... what the hell was the deal with the waitresses?!?! I mean the uniform for a waitress at Gilley's is a bikini with leather chaps!!! Really, Gilley's?!?! I mean, really?!?! Bikini's and leather chaps?!?! Wow!! I mean, how low rent and trashy can you get?!?! How dehumanizing and objectifying can you be towards your fellow human beings?!?!?! Are you really that sexually cheap and immature, cowboy culture, that you get sexually aroused ordering your cheap ass beer from women in bikinis and leather chaps?!?!?! What a disgrace!!! How shameful, cowboy culture is!!! The dude in Deliverance, who has his way with Ned Beatty, is the type of clientele Gilley's is apparently shooting for, but who happen to be straight. However for some, one of the bright spots of American culture is our Country Western culture!! You know, the culture that is musically illiterate with their love of Conway Twitty and Toby Keith, who dance around like absolute jackasses in their cowboy boots and Stetson hats, and who champion people like Hank Williams Jr. and carry him around on their shoulders.... OBAMA!!!!! OWWWHHHHH YEAAAHHHH!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Hank Williams Jr. sucks ass and I'm thrilled to death he no longer does the song for Monday Night Football!!! OK, one last thing and I'm done with this diatribe... They've got a mechanical bull in the bar, just like at the Gilley's in Urban Cowboy!!! And the night we were there they had something going on called, Bikini Bullriding... Once again, a promotion that just screams class and culture!!!! The song from the movie, Lookin' for Love, is absolutely fitting for Gilley's because if your looking for any type of significant relationship with the toothless skanks in this knobby joint, well, you're looking in all the wrong places!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I kept expecting Scott Glenn to walk in wearing his gay ass fish net football jersey with no shirt underneath, Debra Winger by his side, to show Bud how to ride that mechanical bull like a real man!!!! But thank God that didn't happen!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Mercifully, our pager began to vibrate and I was able to get out of that damned saloon!!! We took a seat in the dining room and thankfully the waitresses there were fully clothed!!! Look, despite my disdain for country western culture, I do appreciate the food. I ordered the BBQ Short Rib and found it to be very good! The meat was tender, flavorful, and had the ability to soften my heart towards cowboys... As much as I hate to admit it, the cowboys did something right with their preparation of various meats!!! The sides of potatoes, beans, cole slaw, and corn bread were also very good!! It was a nice, hearty meal that did well in satisfying my hunger!! I can't say that I'll be back to Gilley's, but if you want to hang around some really simple people to boost your self confidence, well, this is the place!!! ... OK look, perhaps I'm being too harsh towards county western folks, but I truly just don't understand the culture!!! Country Western music and culture makes me ashamed to be a white guy!!! I'm ashamed of my race on account of cowboys and hillbillies!!! They're a bunch of simpleton's who discredit the human race!!! You know what, don't support Gilley's! Put this place out of business!! Don't support cowboys and Country Western music!!! Society will be better for it!!! I'm sorry this review is so negative and has flashes of anger!!! But I resent Country Western culture!!!!

Beach Break Cafe: A Whole New World!!!!

Who would've thought that just south of Orange County, past Camp Pendelton, there is a whole new world!!! Yes, just like Ariel emerges from the Ocean to discover an earthy existence, so to was my feeling upon leaving Orange County and entering into the northern most habitation of San Diego County known as Oceanside... I just gotta say, I love Oceanside!!! Yeah, maybe it's kind of a slummy military beach town where hookers used to line Pacific Coast Highway waiting for young marines fresh from boot camp to come with their bonuses and enough pent up sexual energy to extinguish a small brush fire. But hey, it's a town filled with character and heart and you've gotta love that about this place!! And on the eve of Veterans Day, I say, God Bless our troops!!! Anyway, Oceanside is a bit slummy and trashy, but it's a city I love and I wouldn't change a thing about!!! You get a feel that over the past 40-50 years, much of the cities history, buildings, and architecture has been preserved! You get a feel for what life was like in Oceanside long before you were born!!! And the Top Gun house is here!!! You know, the house where Kelly McGillis' character lived!!! Maverick, you're a sly son of a bitch!!!! Ahahahahahahaha!!!! But I love that about Oceanside!!!!!!
As I was tooling around Oceanside, I came across Beach Break Cafe on PCH and decided I was going to hit it hard for breakfast!! To be up front and honest with everybody (all 3 of you who will probably read this!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!) I'm not a huge breakfast guy!! I mean I like breakfast foods, but my usual MO is to skip breakfast, deprive myself of a lot of calories to build up my hunger so that I can experience the pure bliss of filling up my deprived stomach with flavorful and fatty foods while on the brink of starvation!!!! And usually that type of hunger doesn't happen in the morning for me, that is unless it's after a long night of boozing!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
But anyway, I came to Beach Break knowing that it was highly regarded and one of the most popular breakfast spots in all of San Diego County!!! My first impression of this place was that, like Oceanside, it had character and heart!!! Not a corporate restaurant, but a thriving ma and pa type of place with a beach city feel and down to earth clientele and staff!!!! I took a seat at the counter, unfolded a menu, and was shortly thereafter approached by a stunningly beautiful young woman!! When she asked me if I wanted something to drink, I became flustered and had difficulty thinking straight!!! She wasn't wearing a lot of make-up, she wasn't wearing anything professional or super fancy, but she just had this down to earth, quality girl type of look! Jeans, tank top, tan skin, piercing green eyes, and a very lovely and friendly smile!!! Something I never see in this vain s-hole I live in called Orange County!!!! But I can't complain!!! There are worse places in the world to be!!! ORANGE COUNTY YOU ARE MY BITCH LOVER!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
OK, so I digress. On to the food! I ordered the Santa Fe Omelet with hash browns, pancakes, and coffee cake!!! Flat out, this food made me rapturous!!! As I stuck my fork into my Santa Fe Omelet, cutting through the egg, cheese, chorizo, onion, avocado, and sour cream, I thought for a moment Harold Camping might have been on to something, as for a second it felt like I was being raptured up into the heavens to meet with Jesus!!!! It made me feel that joyful!! Wow this food is tasty and I swear to God I thought it was going to send me into the spiritual realm!!!! But I'm still here!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Also, the pancakes were angelic!!! So soft, so buttery, so syrupy, they made me long for the day when I would be reunited with my friends and loved ones who have prematurely passed from this life!!!! I love you guys!!!!! I'm coming soon!!!!! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hahahahahahahahaha!!!! .... Ok, I think I'm fine now... At the end of my meal, they brought out a piece of coffee cake for me to cap off my breakfast! I had been reading that the coffee cake here is excellent, and excellent it was!!! Again, I'm not a huge coffee cake guy, but one of the amazing things I discovered about Beach Break coffee cake, is that when you eat their coffee cake while drinking a cup of coffee, it's really really good!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! What can I say, I'm a little behind the current trends!!!!!
The combination of everything at Beach Break Cafe made for an overall splendid morning and got me off to an absolutely fantastic start of the day!!!! Excellent food, warm atmosphere, and beautiful waitresses!!! And I'm not talking about dolled up, breast augmented, superficial, morally loose, plastic woman in Orange County that make up the vast majority of the female Orange County population!!! Not like a Hooters waitress!! But I'm talking about quality women!!! Women who aren't obsessed with how much money you make, what kind of car you drive, whether or not you're a home owner, or what your social status may be! I'm talking about women who care for you because of who you are and all that other stuff doesn't matter!!! These waitresses are those kind of girls!!! How do I know that?!?! Well, I don't know for sure!!! But I felt a connection with my waitress!!! If you're out there, do you remember me Beach Break Waitress?!?! Do you remember me?!?!?!?! I know you felt the connection I felt!!! I know you did!!!! If you read this, send me a message!!!!! We can make it!!!!! I'll come for you!!!!
Oceanside is a wonderful town filled with character!!!! I am now inspired to frequent Oceanside to sample the many ma and pa eateries that exist in this wonderful city!! Screw you corporate restaurants!!!! I'm supporting the working man!!!! (Actually, I'll still eat at your restaurants. I have low self-control and discipline! Ahahahahahahahaha!!) And, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping to bump in to Beach Break Waitress again while down there!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I know I know, I'm a creeper!!! When in Oceanside, do this place!!! I swear you won't regret it!!!!!