So, I had stopped in Durango for a few days on my way back from Texas and decided I was going to make the drive from southwestern Colorado all the way back to Southern California in one shot... "That's one shot!!! That's one shot, Kid!!!!" - Ronnie from Jersey Shore, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I also was wanting to see the Meteor Crater just outside of Flagstaff!!!! Needless to say, it was going to be a long ass day of driving and I needed some serious strength to get me through my own personal miniature Gumball Rally!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
In walking up and down Main Ave. in downtown Durango I was struck by Durango Diner each time I passed it by!!!! It looked like an old school, mom and pop, down home diner that Durango locals would frequent!!!!! Hey if truck drivers driving cross country, cowboys preparing to handle multiple bails of hay for the day, and city workers shoveling salt and scooping snow out of the residential streets mash at this place, then it's good enough for me!!!!!! If Durango Diner can provide the amount of calories necessary for those fine folks to get them through their day, then hey, this greasy diner food can get me to Meteor Crater and ultimately back to So. Cal. in one shot!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
The morning of my drive I got up very early, like 5am, went down to Durango Diner, walked through the doors at 6am and took a seat at the counter!!!!! I was the only customer there and the guy who I think was the owner and his wife were there preparing for the day of serving the locals and tourists of Durango!!!!! The owner and his wife were super friendly and chill!!!!!! Like they were good quality people!!!!! We spoke of love, we spoke of life, we talked poetry... No no no no no no.... We talked about current events and made small talk!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
But the owner was like, "I'll make you whatever you want to eat!!!!" Yyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! After looking over the menu, I said to the guy I wanted an omelet with sausage, tomatoes, mushrooms, and onions with a bunch of cheese melted on top of and within the eggs!!!! He then asked me, "Do you want some chili verde on top of your omelet?!?!?!" In the words of the Kool-Aid pitcher from the 1980's, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! The omelet came with a massive side of hash browns and toast!!!!! After I ordered my omlet I was like, "Hey, can I get an order of pancakes too?!?!?!?!" The guy was like, "Dude, I'll make you whatever you want, but just so you know, if you get an order of pancakes with this omelet... that's a lot of food!!!" After mulling it over for a little while and listening to my stomach and in the name of wanting to pace myself for the duration of the day, I decided to pass on the pancakes!!!! At 6am I'm just not as hungry as I usually am!!!!! Next time Durango Diner, next time I will demolish those pancakes like a failing hotel/casino on Las Vegas Blvd.!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
So, my breakfast was the omelet, hash browns and toast!!! Let me just say, this was a massive plate of food!!!!! It looked amazing, and being that it was coming from an old school locals diner, my omelet and hash browns looked incredibly appetizing!!!!! With half the plate covered in omelet doused in chili verde and the other filled with hash browns, I took the bottle of ketchup and made a generous puddle with that gluey-like, sugary tomato paste!!!! With every bite of my omelet topped with chili verde as well as every bite of my fried potatoes, I would mix them with my ketchup puddle and then deposit that grease laden, cholesterol rich breakfast food goodness into my face cavity with great joy!!!!!! The combination of eggs, cheese, sausage and veggies with grease, ketchup and chili-verde was nothing short of celestial!!!!! I pounded down that early morning grub like a miner pounds on a rock with a pick ax looking for nuggets of gold!!!!!! It was awesome!!!! When I had finished my food and I began to feel that grease settle in my belly, I almost walked back to my bed to take an early morning nap!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But I didn't!!!! I proceeded to slam multiple cups of coffee and the caffeine helped get the blood flowing through my veins for the long drive I had ahead!!!!
Overall, I really enjoyed Durango Diner!!!!! If I'm ever back in Durango I will be back and perhaps stop by in the afternoon to grab a burger or one of their other typical diner plates!!!!!! This place is old school and it's awesome!!!!! When in Durango, do this place!!!! You may need to spend the day mountain biking, hiking, or skiing to burn off all the calories, but hey, it'll be well worth it!!!!! Oh and just so you know, I made it to Meteor Crater and it was so cool!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
When I arrived in Durango, I was under the impression that it would be a town filled with hillbillies, cowboys, and those guys that wear plaid button down shirts tucked in to their dark blue Wranglers with bright orange trucker hats and those massive belt buckles with some ridiculous saying or tacky artistry!!!! Well, Durango does indeed have that particular element to it!!! However, one of the huge surprises I encountered upon spending a few days in this historic southwestern Colorado mountain town, is that Durango is no doubt one of the crunchiest cities I have ever been to!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Berkeley California, Eugene Oregon, Humboldt and now.... Durango Colorado!!!! Oh yes indeed, Durango, Colorado belongs in the conversation when talking about cities filled with the most Cruchy Groovers per capita!!!! I don't know if there's any sort of official demographic or statistic regarding cruchy groovers, but everywhere I looked in Durango there was some dude or chick with freshly burned dreads wearing a nose ring with glassy eyes glaring into nothingness due to the potent Moroccan hashish they likely blazed down just a few moments earlier!!!!! My guess is that Durango would be in a high percentile nationally in regards to crunchy groovers!!! Oh, and the crunchy groover women would wear these baggy jeans underneath retro sundresses made in the 70's that were probably bought at some run down thrift store while they would give off this God-awful earthy homeless scent likely due to not showering for an extended period of time!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Don't get me wrong, I love crunchy groovers with their earthiness and care-free attitude!!!!!! It was a welcome surprise for me as I arrived in Durango and thought I would be surrounded by nothing but red-necked mountain trash all week!!!!!!
Now, when I was walking down College Dr. one day, I noticed Homeslice Pizza!!! There were a couple of things that made Homeslice stand out to me!!!!! Number one was its appearence: given the building it was in (which looked like a house that somebody probably lived in at some point), the design of the patio with branches wrapping around their wooden deck, and the crunchy groovers loitering out in front, it stuck out to me as a very intriguing and unique looking pizza place!!! The second thing I noticed was that it was directly next door to a neighborhood pot dispensary!!!!!!!!! Not even kidding!!!!! No wonder why there were some many crunchy groovers hanging around!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! After you get your bags of ganja from the dispensary next door and smoke a few bowls, you get the munchies, right?!?!?!?!?!?! And what better way to assuage your cannabis induced appetite than smashing down a large pizza from Homeslice?!?!?!?!?! What an absolutely brilliant marketing strategy by Homeslice Pizza!!!!! Absolutely and utterly genius!!!!!!!!
Look, I'm not a crunchy groover and I don't smoke weed, but after walking by Homeslice Pizza a couple of times, I just had to try it (the pizza that is)!!! When I walked through the doors the interior had a very artsy, progressive feel to it!!! And not surprisingly, there were some crunchy groovers gathered around a table in a corner downing multiple slices of pie as well as a crunchy groove girl working behind the counter taking orders!!!!
On the night I visited Homeslice I went for a 16" with half pepperoni, garlic, and jalepeno, and the other half with sausage, mushroom, and tomato!!!! When my pie came out of the oven, I took it back to where I was staying and proceeded to annihilate every last bite of my Homeslice pizza!!!!! This was a beautiful beautiful pizza!!!! The toppings were of a high quality and incredibly fresh, while the crust was absolutely perfect!!!! The crust had a nice crunch on the outside and was soft in the middle which made it easy to consume!!! Hey, something just occured to me, the pizza at Homeslice is a lot like a crunchy groover: crunchy on the outside, but when you talk with them and get to know them, they are kind hearted people!!!! Soft, if you will!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Also, they used just the right amount of sauce!!! Not too much, but not too little!!!!!
Homeslice Pizza puts out transcendent doughy pizza goodness that has the capability to send all those who eat it into another reality!!!! Oh wait, that might be the THC running through your system!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But Homeslice is damn good food and perhaps can serve as an alternative to pot smokers who are looking for that powerful buzz in life!!!! .... Probably not though!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
It seems to me that there are some businesses in this country that are recession proof that there will always be a market for: the funeral business, the wedding business, the prom business, and.... pizza restaurants right next door to pot dispensaries!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Brilliant business savvy, Homeslice, brilliant I say!!!!!!
If you're ever in Durango be sure to make your way over to Homeslice Pizza!!!!! This is quality pizza made by crunchy groovers for crunchy groovers!!!! And who better knows what it takes to satisfy hunger than a crunchy groover?!?!?!?!?! .... Nobody!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I loved my visit to Homeslice!!!!!! When in Durango, do this place!!!!!!! And and and and... if you can get a prescription for, I don't know.... glaucoma or something, it might make your visit to Homeslice that much better!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I love you Homeslice!!! Do this place!!!!
In Durango, Colorado, it get's pretty g-damn cold!!! Especially when the sun sets behind the caps of the San Juan Mountains at about 5pm!!!! Shesus it gets cold!!! And when the wind starts to blow, forget about it!!!!! But as I walked up and down Main Ave. with my heavy jacket on with multiple layers underneath, a wool cap insulating my head, and an alpaca scarf wrapped around my neck, my cheeks were turning red and my legs began to go numb!! I mean, it gets damn freezing in Colorado this time of year!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! One of the things that I've found, is that when it gets really really cold outside, like ass cold, my stomach starts to sound like a Grizzly Bear snarling and squeezing the life out of an Alaskan Salmon trying to work its way upstream!!!!! As my wife and I were walking along Main Ave., with hands numb and snot frozen to the insides of our nostrels, I smelled the wondrous redolent odor of hamburger beef coming from a restaurant sitting on the corner of Main and 10th!!!!! This wondrous odor of sizzling cow I speak of was emanating from none other than Olde Tymer's Cafe!!!!!!! This burger from Olde Tymer's was calling me, it beckoned me, it knew my name and seemed to beg for me to enter into the doors of the Olde Tymer's Cafe and rescue it from the oppressive hell of the Olde Tymer's Kitchen and deliver it into the sheltered, warm sanctuary of my mouth and stomach!!!! I'm coming Olde Tymer's burger!!!!! I'm coming for you!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Seriously though, the combination of frigid mountain air coupled with a numb face and the scent of charred beef escaping into the freezing Colorado winds leaves one violated when it comes to their free will!!!! When you smell that smell, you unalterably have no choice but to say, "I'm coming for you!!!!!!!!! I'm coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
When we walked into the doors of the Olde Tymer's Cafe and felt the warm air of the restaurants furnace strike our brisk shivering bodies, I immediately began to feel like a frozen Foster Farms chicken being defrosted in the microwave!!!!! The chills and numbness instantly began to wear off and I could feel melted snot rolling down on to the top of my lip!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I know, that's gross!!! Anyway, we noticed all the tables were full, but the bar was free so we headed for a couple of empty stools and took a seat!!! When we sat down I noticed a glorious surprise!!!! It was happy hour and they had Blue Moons for $2.75 a pint and Nacho's for $3.50 a plate!!!!! Would I like to experience the happy hour deal?!?!?! Uh, yes please!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Man, when they brought us those Blue Moon's, I slammed that orange flavored brew down like Tom Hanks slammed down coconut milk on that deserted island in the movie Cast Away!!!!!! After pint number one, I then began to feel a new numbness running through my body, but this numbness wasn't from the below freezing temperature outside!!! You know what I mean?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!
Soon they brought us our plate of nachos, and man were they good!! Plenty of gooey melted cheese, spicy jalapenos, and a cup of salsa that complimented the nachos nicely!!! Nacho's and beer are good, but when it's colder than Rush Limbaugh's heart outside and you're paying happy hour prices, the food and drink at Ole Tymer's seemed unparalleled!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Once the nacho plate was left with nothing but tortilla chip crumbs and grease and once we were well into pint number two with our companions of Blue Moon, out they came.... The Olde Tymer's Burger!!!!!!! I think it came on an onion bun and it had melted cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickle!!!!! You could see the heat rising from the meat patty and each time somebody opened the front door of the restaurant and we were reminded of the brisk mountain air that was outside awaiting us upon our departure, the burger seemed to smell and look that much more appetizing!!!!!! When I compiled all of my burger components together and gave my Olde Tymer's Burger a healthy dose of ketchup, I pushed that hot and juicy sandwich towards my face and the moment it hit my lips, I knew what real pleasure and real living was all about when it comes to human existence!! I mean I knew pleasure and living at that moment the same way King David knew Bathsheba that fateful night he was walking around the roof of his palace!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Let's just say my burger and I became familiar!!!! The Olde Tymer's Burger and The Olde Tymer's Cafe, is a truly excellent and quality burger!!!!! And the fries!!! Don't let me end this review without mentioning the fries!!!! The way they are fried and the seasoning that are put on them makes them taste like potato cakes of the most succulent and beautiful kind!!!! These fries are amazing and they complimented the burger and Blue Moon so so well!!!!!!
Whether you're going to Durango to ski, hike, mountain bike, shop, see Mesa Verde, or just sit in a bar and sample multiple brilliant Colorado microbrews, you've got to stop by Olde Tymer's Cafe!!!! Excellent food and you cannot beat the happy hour!!!! At least compared to what you'll find in Southern California!!!!! Hit this place and hit it hard!!!! You can get a lot of food for not that much money!!!!! Do it now!!!!! It's awesome!!!! Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
