Slater's 50/50 Burgers by Design: The Breath of God Incarnate!!!

In the Old Testament, the prophet Ezekial is brought to a valley that is full of dry bones. God then asks Ezekial, "... can these bones live?" We read that God speaks to these dry bones in the valley and says, "I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life." Why am I starting off this review with a Sunday school lesson you might ask?!?! Well because the 50/50 patty contains the breath of God as mentioned in the Old Testament and has the ability to make dry bones live!!!!! Simple as that!!!! And today, I experienced that breath!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Look, I'm gonna get a little vulnerable with everybody here... I've been in a little bit of a funk lately. I've been unmotivated, feeling passionless, and lazy. I've been like the dry bones Ezekial walked by in the valley, feeling, well, dry. Why? I don't know. Look, I know you aren't interested in hearing about my personal problems but I share them with you because today, I feel dry no more!!!!! Why don't I feel dry anymore you might ask?!?!?!?!?! Well I'll tell you!!! And the answer is simple!!!! I went to Slater's 50/50 Burgers by Design today and the breath of God was breathed in to my still, creeky, dry bones!!!!!!! The 50/50 patty that is made up of 50%beef and 50% bacon can be described as nothing short of the breath of God incarnate!!!!! The food at Slaters 50/50 will breathe life into your still, dead, heartless soul!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! For all of you biblical archaelogists out there, message to you... 'You may now go home. You can stop whatever it is you were doing and forget about publishing any of your current or future findings." Why?!?! Well, the breath of God as mentioned in the book of Ezekial has been discovered!!!!! You know where it is?!?!?!?! Do you?!?!?! Well I'll telly you!!!! It's in Anaheim Hills off of Santa Ana Canyon Rd.!!!!! No doubt, in biblical times the breath of God had to have been a slab of meat consisting of part swine and part cow!!!! It had to have been!! I know that to be a fact!!!!!!! I know it's true!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

When I sat down at the bar, I ordered a 2/3 lb 50/50 burger with lettuce, tomato, onion, relish, cheddar, and swiss with Chipotle Mayo and decimatated it like I was popping an Advil tablet into my mouth!!! I mean I was experiencing the breath of God and had never felt anything like I was experiencing while I was smothering that meat patty into my newly filled with life face!!!! That meat was so savory and so flavorful!!!! There was a smokiness and tenderness to the 50/50 patty that was absolutely divine!!!! I mean there's no other way to describe it than "of God!!!!" Plus, I had fries and onion rings and they were awesome!!! Just awesome I say!!!! The waitress was warning me that the portions are very generous, but for me, it was about average!!! I was still kind of hungry when I finished!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Look, if you're a religious cook and you're reading this, maybe you're going to get mad at me!!!!! But, I challenge you, go to Slater's 50/50 and after chewing on a 50/50 patty, I dare you to tell me that that this food didn't come from the gates of heaven!!!! I dare you!!!! Prophesy Son of Man!!! Hear the word of the Lord!!!! The life of God will be breathed into you upon eating this food!!!! Do it now!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Hodad's: A Thing of Beauty!!!

I saw this place on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives and had saliva drooling off of my tongue onto my shirt over their burgers and shakes while watching on TV!!! So, I made the trek down to OB and decided I was going to pound a little Hodad's, baby!!!! Ahahahahahahahaha!!!!

When I showed up to Hodad's there was a line out the door going all the way down to the corner of the street!!! I looked at my buddy and said, "Hey, we're here. Let's just grin and bear it!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But I've gotta say, in agreement with other reviewers, the line moves pretty fast!! It only took us like 25-30 minutes to get in!!!! While standing in line and watching the Newport Ave. beach trash walk up and down the street with their dreadlocks, body piercings, and blood shot eyes from the mornings bong tokes, it occured to me that very few, if any, OB locals ever eat at Hodad's. It seemed that the vast majority of the clientele were out of towners from the Mid-West with pasty white skin who wear polo shirts tucked into their plaid cargo shorts and those beat to hell Abercrombie and Fitch hats with the bill folded like a taco shell. Needless to say, it looked to me that this place was a complete tourist trap. But then again, I don't live in OB and for all I know maybe it was all locals!!!!

Anyway, on to the food!!!! I ordered a double bacon cheeseburger with fries, a basket of frings, and a chocolate shake!!!!! When I was ordering my food, the waiter looked at me and said, "dude, that's too much food! You're not going to be able to finish it all!!" Hey! Don't tell me my business boy!!! Don't you dare question my passion for eating or my food intake abilities!!! I mean, I didn't actually say that to the guy. He was being cool. I'm only saying that now to myself as I'm writing this review!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

My shake came out first and it was an absolute thing of beauty!!! It was so rich and so creamy and so sweet that I powered that thing down well before my burger and fries were brought out!! It reminded me of that scene in the movie Pulp Fiction when John Travolta and Uma Thurman are sitting in Jackrabbit Slims and Uma Thurman orders a "five dollar milkshake." John Travolta then asks her, "Did you just order a five dollar milk shake?" Uma Thurman says, "Yeah." When the shake is brought out to Uma, Travolta grabs a spoon and says, "I need to know what a five dollar milk shake tastes like." When he digs his spoon into the creamy concoction and places it into his mouth, he takes a moment and then says, "Damn, that's a pretty good F*%$#!% milkshake!!" With each mound of Hodad's chocolate milkshake that I scooped into my mouth, I kept saying to myself, "Damn, that's a pretty good F*%$#!% milkshake!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But at Hodad's the shakes are only $4.75.

When I was done with the shake, they brought the burger and fries out, and I gotta say, this burger was massive!! I mean, I couldn't even fit my mouth around the damned thing!! When I finally managed to wrap my lips around the bun and bite into it, the meat, cheese, bacon, veggies, ketchup, and grease just melted in my mouth!!! These burgers are so juicy and delicious!!!! And and and, after finishing all of my food, I was pretty full!!! Usually, I'd still be hungry and need more to eat, but Hodad's had the rare ability to make me feel full after one sitting!!! While slowly walking out of Hodad's I turned to my buddy and asked, "Was Hodad's worth the 30 minute wait." After giving it a little bit of thought, he responded saying, "Oh yeah!!!"

I would say these burgers and shakes live up to the hype!!! it's completely worth the 30 minute wait!! The only thing, is that you'll be eating with a lot of hodad's and not the typical burnt out San Diego beach trash you see walking through OB!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I kid because I love!!!!!! When in SD, hit this place and hit it hard!!!!!! Do it!!!!!

Diddy Riese: I Can't Quit You!!!!

Oh my God!!!! Ohhhh myyyy Gaaawwwddd!!!! I remember coming to this place back in the days of when I was in college!! When I walked through the doors of Diddy Riese the other day, a host of memories from when I was in my early twenties flooded my mind!!! I remember back in the hey, it was only $.99 for a sandwich, but they bumped the price up to $1.50... which is fine! It's still a great deal!! I got a sandwich with chocolate chip cookies and cookies and cream ice-cream!! And, the only word that comes to mind when I recall eating that ice-cream sandwich is... Shesus!!!!

I'm not going to exaggerate here when I say... that these cookies and this ice-cream, especially combined, is far better than the wildest, most intense, passionate intimate experience one can know!!! I mean wedding nights are cool and all, but when I stuck that sandwich deep into my mouth and encountered the sweet combo of moist chocolate chips, soft cookie dough and frozen ice-cream, I could've filed for divorce right then and there!!!! As I was walking out the door and down the street finishing up my sando, I crumpled up the wax paper threw it behind me, and then stopped!!! It occurred to me that I just had to see Diddy again!! I mean, I wouldn't accept walking away from her at that moment!!! I made a mistake on my wedding day when I told my wife "I do." I was too young!!! I didn't know what the hell I was getting myself into!!! But Diddy, I now know that you're my one and only!!!! I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Diddy!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

After I finished sando #1 I then turned my feet and began sprinting back towards Diddy to get back in line!!! I needed another one!!! But to be honest, I ended up having five more sandwiches that day with all different types of combos!!!! Oatmeal cookies with vanilla!!! M&M cookies with chocolate!!!!!!!! Wow!!!!! I can't quit you Diddy Riese!!!! I can't quit you!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

I mean, who the hell needs e-harmony, match.com, or somebody to set you up on a date with some reject?!?! This ice-cream and these cookies are the only companionship anybody needs in this life!!!! That is an unmitigated fact!!!! You can believe that!!!! Hell, a sando only costs $1.50!!!! Much cheaper, better, and more low maintenence than a romantic relationship!!!... I'm gonna leave her, Diddy!! I promise!!! After I file the papers we'll run away together and live the life we always wanted!!!!! Married people, beware!!! Diddy Riese has the power to end even the strongest of marriages!!!!! She's that damn good and sweet!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Yuca's: Ehhh...

A few years back I was watching either a USC or a UCLA football game and at halftime this segment came on that had Todd Blackledge stuffing his face with Yuca's burritos. With his mouth full of tortilla and pinto beans hanging off of his chin, Blackledge was insistent that Yuca's in Los Feliz was serving up the finest Mexican food in all of Los Angeles. With that, I've always had it in the back of my mind to try Yuca's whenever I was up near Hollywood, which isn't often. But the other day I was at Griffith Park and decided that the moment had arrived for me to destroy Yuca's!!! As I walked up to the counter I ordered a carne asada burrito, 2 yucatan pork tacos, 2 carnitas tacos, a carne asada torta, and a cheeseburger. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I was pretty damned excited to do my best Blackledge impression that day, cramming Yuca's down my pie hole to no end!!! In leading up to the moment of eating at Yuca's, I did a little research and saw that Yuca's was voted best tacos in 2009 by a publication of some sort I'm not familiar with. Needless to say, between being voted best tacos in LA and listening to Blackledge, my expectations were pretty damn high!! After I had finished my food, I gotta say... I was pretty underwhelmed. I'm not saying Yuca's is bad, the food is fine, but I really struggled to understand what the big deal is surrounding Yuca's. I'm not hating on Yuca's! Again, the food is fine!! It's just that I can't figure out why Todd Blackledge would wet his pants over this place, or why Yuca's would be voted best taco's in 2009!! Hell, I can name 10 places right now off the top of my head that have superior tacos to Yuca's. King Taco in East LA, Chronic Tacos or even Pedro's in San Clemente all serve up tacos that are much tastier than Yuca's in my humble, but accurate, opinion!!! But again, Yuca's isn't bad!! I'm not hating!! I guess it's that I had high expectations and had my heart broken a little bit by Yuca!! I don't quite get all of the excitement about Yuca's!! But hey, I'm only one person!! Go to Yuca's and try the food for yourself! The food is not bad and overall you will be pleased!!! Eat hard when you go though!!! I mean put it away!!!! You can do it too because the portions are kind of small!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Volcano Burgers: There is Strength in Volcano Burgers!!!

 As an Orange County high school football fan, I can remember back in the 90's the Los Alamitos Griifins High School football team had something like a 45 game winning streak going on!!! I can recall watching the high school football report on OCN each Friday night in the fall with Ken Rudolph and Jim Watson to see if Los Al had kept their winning streak alive!! It was a special time!! C'mon, somebody out there remembers OCN, right?!?!?!?! My dad was friends with Los Al's coach, John Barnes, back in the day too!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Anyway, I was driving through Los Alamitos the other day and had been hearing the legends of Volcano Burgers for quite some time!!! When I pulled in to the parking lot, I noticed that Volcano Burgers is literally right across the street from Los Alamitos High School!! Home of the 45 game winning streak in the 90's, baby!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! My stomach was barren after a long day of walking and I was ready to devour an unreasonable amount of food!!!! And after ordering my food from the Volcano Burgers window, that I did!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I ordered an Avocado Cheeseburger, a Colossal Burger, an order of fries, and an order of onion rings!!!! To be honest, I was thinking this wouldn't be enough food for me!!! I was thinking I might need to go back and order burgers number 3 and 4!!!!! But, I've gotta say, the size of these burgers were huge!! And the amount of fries and rings they gave to me were more than adequate!!!! When I finished all of my food, it felt just right!!! I mean, I could've gone back for more, but then I thought, "that's not necessary. I'm feeling satisfied!!!" But it was a debate in my mind that went on and on!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! These burgers are very juicy and will not fail to fulfill your hunger!!! This food will make you strong and has the ability to release endorphins like no other!!! Los Al's 45 game winning streak in the 90's makes sense to me now!!!! Do you know why?!?!?!?!?! Do you?!?!?!?!?! Well I'll tell you!!!!! I have absolutely no doubt in my mind (not one square inch of doubt, I say!!!!!) that the Los Al Griffins in the 90's probably ate lunch every single day at Volcano Burgers which undoubtedly contributed to their culture of winning!!!! It's no surprise they hardly ever lost!!!!! In the 90's there was no need for Coach Barnes to watch film, draw up plays, or strategize with his coaching staff!!!! I'm sure all Coach Barnes did was give his team a food stipend each week, send them across the street to Volcano Burgers, and then put his guys out on to the field!!! And they won 45 in a row!!!!!! (No disrespect to Coach Barnes!!! He is an innovator and a genius!!!) Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Volcano Burgers, baby!!!! I haven't followed Los Al football in a long time. But if they haven't been winning, then they need to get back to fundamentals!!!!! They need to get back to old school football!!!! What they need to do is decimate Volcano Burgers before practices and games, so they can then decimate their opponents each Friday night!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! There is power and strength in Volcano Burgers!!! Just ask Los Al football!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! When in Los Al, do this place!!! You will get a glimpse of what it feels like to be a winner!!!!! Boom!!!!!

             

Burger King: Wonderful After a Night of Carousing!!!

It has honestly been years since I have eaten at a fast food joint, if you don't count In'n'Out. But the other night I went out boozing with some friends and by the time I was feeling good and I was where I wanted to be, it was apparent that my inhibitions were gone and I was ready to eat anything that was put in front of me!!! So as we were heading home (Don't worry, I wasn't driving. We had a DD) we came across BK and everybody wanted burgers and fries! I was like, "Really?! ... Burger King?!" But whatever, I was hammered so it didn't matter!!!! Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

When we got to the drive through window and when I smelled the char broiled beef sizzling, I suddenly became extremely excited and absolutely could not wait to devour and decimate a plethora of BK burgers!!!! Ahahahahahahahahaha!!! In fact, as the pungency of the beef from the grill grew stronger and stronger and as I was looking over the menu with blurred eyes, I started to get excited!!! I actually got to a point where I said to myself, "There is no place in the world I would rather be than right here at the drive through of Burger King!!!"

I was feeling a little thrifty so I ordered 4 double cheeseburgers off of the value menu along with 4 orders of fries and a Whopper.... I ate it all by myself!!!! Ahahahahahahahaha!!! I've gotta say, BK surprised me!!! I forgot how juicy and flavorful those flame broiled beef patties are!!! And the pickles with the ketchup, mustard, and melted cheese was completely and utterly satisfying!!! There was something strangely comforting and fulfilling in devouring BK Burgers with a belly full of alcohol!! Those burgers and fries are like a sponges and will soak up all of that booze in your body like a shammy!!! I mean, it's the perfect hangover prevention food!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I may have discovered a brand new euphoric human experience... Eating really fatty and salty foods when drunk!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Oh man was it good!!!! The next time you go out on the town and are stumbling home (with a DD!!), you've gotta stop at BK!!! It's the perfect drunk food!!! Take my word for it!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Do it now!!!!!

Zankou Chicken: Don't Take My Word For It!!!

Ohhhh I was craving chicken and falafel the other day so so bad.... SO BAD!!!I I've heard the legends of Zankou and was excited at the prospect of devouring Zankou and making it my, uhhhhhh.... female dog!! I'm just kidding!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Listen, I'm giving Zankou a thumbs down. Please know my vote down in no way means that I think Zankou is a bad restaurant or not worthy of your business!! Zankou is a fine restaurant and is worthy of your time and money!! It's just that when Zankou and I met the other day for the first time, I didn't feel a connection between the two of us. I mean we had no chemistry. It was like we were walking along the beach together and we were struggling to keep the conversation going. After having lunch, I've come to the conclusion that we just aren't right for each other, Zankou... I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me...

I found their garlic hummus to be overwhelming, the chicken a bit dry, and just didn't find their falafel memorable.. Now, that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, Zankou!!!! And there certainly isn't anything wrong with me!!! (Well, maybe there's something wrong with me. But that's another topic all together!! Ahahahahahahaha!!!!) We're just wrong for each other, Zankou!!! That's all!! And that's OK!!! You're great! And there's somebody out there for you. In fact, you have many followers who are huge fans of your food!! You are valued and loved, Zankou!! But, you and I just aren't a match!! Good luck to you Zankou!!!! You'll find your connection soon!!! In fact, you already have with many lovely people who enjoy your food!! Again, It's not you, it's me!!!!