Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Gilley's: Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places!!!

Upon my recent trip to Vegas, I ended up at this s-hole! Don't ask me how or why, but I just ended up here! Somebody I was with is actually a huge fan of the movie Urban Cowboy, so when we were walking by Treasure Island, well we just had to eat at Gilley's!!! Upon being dragged into Gilley's, my reaction can be summed up best by the words of Lloyd Christmas in the movie Dumb and Dumber, "Yipee!!!" Needless to say, I was a little... no no, I was extremely disappointed when we landed in this inbred, country western lunk head, hang-out!!! When we walked inside, there was a thirty minute wait, so we decided to walk over to the bar or saloon or whatever the hell it's called to have a few pops before our pager buzzed!!! When I walked up to the bar to buy the first round of beers, I was aghast at the selection of beers they had!!!! PBR, Bud Light, Coors, Miller Lite... I mean, really?!?! What the hell is the deal with cowboy's and their piss poor taste in beer?!?!?! I mean, are you guys that unsophisticated and simple that you can't appreciate a craft beer or an import?!?! Or is it that you guys are so close minded and intolerant in your political views that you refuse to experience or support anything outside the borders of the USA?!?!?! And and and... what the hell was the deal with the waitresses?!?! I mean the uniform for a waitress at Gilley's is a bikini with leather chaps!!! Really, Gilley's?!?! I mean, really?!?! Bikini's and leather chaps?!?! Wow!! I mean, how low rent and trashy can you get?!?! How dehumanizing and objectifying can you be towards your fellow human beings?!?!?! Are you really that sexually cheap and immature, cowboy culture, that you get sexually aroused ordering your cheap ass beer from women in bikinis and leather chaps?!?!?! What a disgrace!!! How shameful, cowboy culture is!!! The dude in Deliverance, who has his way with Ned Beatty, is the type of clientele Gilley's is apparently shooting for, but who happen to be straight. However for some, one of the bright spots of American culture is our Country Western culture!! You know, the culture that is musically illiterate with their love of Conway Twitty and Toby Keith, who dance around like absolute jackasses in their cowboy boots and Stetson hats, and who champion people like Hank Williams Jr. and carry him around on their shoulders.... OBAMA!!!!! OWWWHHHHH YEAAAHHHH!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Hank Williams Jr. sucks ass and I'm thrilled to death he no longer does the song for Monday Night Football!!! OK, one last thing and I'm done with this diatribe... They've got a mechanical bull in the bar, just like at the Gilley's in Urban Cowboy!!! And the night we were there they had something going on called, Bikini Bullriding... Once again, a promotion that just screams class and culture!!!! The song from the movie, Lookin' for Love, is absolutely fitting for Gilley's because if your looking for any type of significant relationship with the toothless skanks in this knobby joint, well, you're looking in all the wrong places!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I kept expecting Scott Glenn to walk in wearing his gay ass fish net football jersey with no shirt underneath, Debra Winger by his side, to show Bud how to ride that mechanical bull like a real man!!!! But thank God that didn't happen!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Mercifully, our pager began to vibrate and I was able to get out of that damned saloon!!! We took a seat in the dining room and thankfully the waitresses there were fully clothed!!! Look, despite my disdain for country western culture, I do appreciate the food. I ordered the BBQ Short Rib and found it to be very good! The meat was tender, flavorful, and had the ability to soften my heart towards cowboys... As much as I hate to admit it, the cowboys did something right with their preparation of various meats!!! The sides of potatoes, beans, cole slaw, and corn bread were also very good!! It was a nice, hearty meal that did well in satisfying my hunger!! I can't say that I'll be back to Gilley's, but if you want to hang around some really simple people to boost your self confidence, well, this is the place!!! ... OK look, perhaps I'm being too harsh towards county western folks, but I truly just don't understand the culture!!! Country Western music and culture makes me ashamed to be a white guy!!! I'm ashamed of my race on account of cowboys and hillbillies!!! They're a bunch of simpleton's who discredit the human race!!! You know what, don't support Gilley's! Put this place out of business!! Don't support cowboys and Country Western music!!! Society will be better for it!!! I'm sorry this review is so negative and has flashes of anger!!! But I resent Country Western culture!!!!

Gilley's Saloon, Dance Hall & Bar-B-Que (Treasure Island) on Urbanspoon

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Burger Bar: I Don't Want to Lose This Feeling!!!

First off, let me just say that I am not a Vegas guy! In all truthfulness, I don't like Las Vegas! Too much smoke, too many lights, and everybody there walks around with a sense of being entitled to a good time because they're in Las Vegas!!! It's so sickening!!! However, there is an interesting history to Las Vegas, many of the hotels are quite beautiful, and the food scene there, well, it's second to none baby!!! Buffets buffets and more buffets!!! Hmmmm, maybe Vegas isn't so bad afterall!!! I don't give a flying crap about the gambling or the strip clubs!! When I go to Vegas, all I want to do is eat!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! And eat I did upon a recent trip!
Any time I travel someplace out of town, I do my research and try to find which restaraunts are going to be worth my time and money to eat at! Vegas has many restaurants that I wanted to try, but being that I'm a cheap bastard and didn't want to rent a car or pay for a taxi, I kept my eating to the Strip this time around!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
After doing a little research, Burger Bar, located in between Luxor and Mandalay Bay in a little mall, quickly came to the top of my to do list!!! I mean to hell with going to see Jersey Boys, Love, the Thunder from Down Under, or the water show at the Bellagio!!! The only thing I really wanted to do while in Vegas, was eat at Burger Bar!! Upon getting off of the plane, my first stop was in fact Burger Bar! But, to my dismay, each time I went to Burger Bar, there was a huge line and a really long wait! What can I say, I have no patience!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! So, I ended up biding my time and went at a really weird time to eat, like 3:30pm, or something!! But I got right in when I went!!
 I actually first heard about Burger Bar on TV due to the fact that they have a $60 burger on the menu that I think has Kobe beef, truffles, and foie gras! I told myself that if I got lucky in the casino's then I'd parlay my winnings into sampling that $60 burger! That didn't happen!!! But I did load up on too many cocktails, which was.... nice! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
OK, so Burger Bar! I ordered a burger with bacon, cheddar, and chipotle mayo along with the standard lettuce, tomato, and onion!!! Also, I ordered fat fries and a chocolate shake with Oreos!!! When I scooped up my burger I held it in my hands like a sweaty drugged up mother holds her newborn baby after giving birth!!! This burger looked so precious and was so beautiful!!!! Part of me didn't want to eat it as I began to develop feelings for my Burger Bar burger!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! However, whatever emotional connection I had with my food quickly ended as I squeezed a massive bite of that burger into my oval shaped mouth!!! Upon the burger's initial interaction with my taste buds, adrenaline began rushing through my body and I began to feel what a gambler might feel after betting his life savings on the Super Bowl!!!!! What a rush!!! Wow!!! It's the rush, the risk, the living with the knowledge of knowing that your fate and livlihood rests in the hands of a professional athlete or the next card that's dealt from the shoe! If you win, you're set for life!!! But if you lose, you're ruined!!!! What a feeling it must be to be a professional gambler!!! And when you're letting it ride, sitting with that adrenaline rush, you don't ever want to lose that feeling!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! And as I sat at Burger Bar, staring into the soul of my burger, chewing and savoring every nectarous bite of Hubert Kelly's burger concoction, I didn't want it to end!!! I didn't want to lose that feeling!!! I didn't want it to end!!!! I wanted to just keep going and capture that feeling that Burger Bar was bringing to me for as long as I possibly could!!! I would've ordered another one, but it wouldn't have been financially prudent!! Jesus!!! If Burger Bar was illegal I'd probably be homeless living a life of panhandling, pick pocketing, and robbing liquor stores to fuel my Burger Bar habit!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! But if it was illegal, I probably really would!!!
The fries were fine as well, but it was the burger that stole the damned show for me and was the highlight of my trip! Also, the shake was very good!! I would say it's a top-10 shake for me!!! The beautiful thing about the shakes is that you can create different combinations with a great selection of ice-cream and toppings!!! I'm old school with my shakes and go straight up with the chocolate, but I added some Oreo's in the spirit of creativity that Burger Bar encourages with their shake menu!!!
Look, this is a good ass burger!!! Yeah, maybe a bit pricey, but you get what the hell you pay for!!! That's a fact which is not up for debate!!!!! There are many excellent burgers I have sampled in my life, and Burger Bar has got to be right there at the top for me!!!
When in Vegas, skip the Chippendales show, skip hitting the black jack table, or going to the Pawn Stars store!!! Your focus and primary destination when in Vegas, should be Burger Bar!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I'm already plotting as to how I can get back to Vegas so I can have another go around at this place!!!! I can't say enough about Burger Bar!!!! You owe it to your existence as a human being to try one of these burgers before you die!!! Do it now!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Burger Bar (Mandalay Bay) on Urbanspoon

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Beach Break Cafe: A Whole New World!!!!

Who would've thought that just south of Orange County, past Camp Pendelton, there is a whole new world!!! Yes, just like Ariel emerges from the Ocean to discover an earthy existence, so to was my feeling upon leaving Orange County and entering into the northern most habitation of San Diego County known as Oceanside... I just gotta say, I love Oceanside!!! Yeah, maybe it's kind of a slummy military beach town where hookers used to line Pacific Coast Highway waiting for young marines fresh from boot camp to come with their bonuses and enough pent up sexual energy to extinguish a small brush fire. But hey, it's a town filled with character and heart and you've gotta love that about this place!! And on the eve of Veterans Day, I say, God Bless our troops!!! Anyway, Oceanside is a bit slummy and trashy, but it's a city I love and I wouldn't change a thing about!!! You get a feel that over the past 40-50 years, much of the cities history, buildings, and architecture has been preserved! You get a feel for what life was like in Oceanside long before you were born!!! And the Top Gun house is here!!! You know, the house where Kelly McGillis' character lived!!! Maverick, you're a sly son of a bitch!!!! Ahahahahahahaha!!!! But I love that about Oceanside!!!!!!
As I was tooling around Oceanside, I came across Beach Break Cafe on PCH and decided I was going to hit it hard for breakfast!! To be up front and honest with everybody (all 3 of you who will probably read this!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!) I'm not a huge breakfast guy!! I mean I like breakfast foods, but my usual MO is to skip breakfast, deprive myself of a lot of calories to build up my hunger so that I can experience the pure bliss of filling up my deprived stomach with flavorful and fatty foods while on the brink of starvation!!!! And usually that type of hunger doesn't happen in the morning for me, that is unless it's after a long night of boozing!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
But anyway, I came to Beach Break knowing that it was highly regarded and one of the most popular breakfast spots in all of San Diego County!!! My first impression of this place was that, like Oceanside, it had character and heart!!! Not a corporate restaurant, but a thriving ma and pa type of place with a beach city feel and down to earth clientele and staff!!!! I took a seat at the counter, unfolded a menu, and was shortly thereafter approached by a stunningly beautiful young woman!! When she asked me if I wanted something to drink, I became flustered and had difficulty thinking straight!!! She wasn't wearing a lot of make-up, she wasn't wearing anything professional or super fancy, but she just had this down to earth, quality girl type of look! Jeans, tank top, tan skin, piercing green eyes, and a very lovely and friendly smile!!! Something I never see in this vain s-hole I live in called Orange County!!!! But I can't complain!!! There are worse places in the world to be!!! ORANGE COUNTY YOU ARE MY BITCH LOVER!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
OK, so I digress. On to the food! I ordered the Santa Fe Omelet with hash browns, pancakes, and coffee cake!!! Flat out, this food made me rapturous!!! As I stuck my fork into my Santa Fe Omelet, cutting through the egg, cheese, chorizo, onion, avocado, and sour cream, I thought for a moment Harold Camping might have been on to something, as for a second it felt like I was being raptured up into the heavens to meet with Jesus!!!! It made me feel that joyful!! Wow this food is tasty and I swear to God I thought it was going to send me into the spiritual realm!!!! But I'm still here!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Also, the pancakes were angelic!!! So soft, so buttery, so syrupy, they made me long for the day when I would be reunited with my friends and loved ones who have prematurely passed from this life!!!! I love you guys!!!!! I'm coming soon!!!!! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hahahahahahahahaha!!!! .... Ok, I think I'm fine now... At the end of my meal, they brought out a piece of coffee cake for me to cap off my breakfast! I had been reading that the coffee cake here is excellent, and excellent it was!!! Again, I'm not a huge coffee cake guy, but one of the amazing things I discovered about Beach Break coffee cake, is that when you eat their coffee cake while drinking a cup of coffee, it's really really good!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! What can I say, I'm a little behind the current trends!!!!!
The combination of everything at Beach Break Cafe made for an overall splendid morning and got me off to an absolutely fantastic start of the day!!!! Excellent food, warm atmosphere, and beautiful waitresses!!! And I'm not talking about dolled up, breast augmented, superficial, morally loose, plastic woman in Orange County that make up the vast majority of the female Orange County population!!! Not like a Hooters waitress!! But I'm talking about quality women!!! Women who aren't obsessed with how much money you make, what kind of car you drive, whether or not you're a home owner, or what your social status may be! I'm talking about women who care for you because of who you are and all that other stuff doesn't matter!!! These waitresses are those kind of girls!!! How do I know that?!?! Well, I don't know for sure!!! But I felt a connection with my waitress!!! If you're out there, do you remember me Beach Break Waitress?!?! Do you remember me?!?!?!?! I know you felt the connection I felt!!! I know you did!!!! If you read this, send me a message!!!!! We can make it!!!!! I'll come for you!!!!
Oceanside is a wonderful town filled with character!!!! I am now inspired to frequent Oceanside to sample the many ma and pa eateries that exist in this wonderful city!! Screw you corporate restaurants!!!! I'm supporting the working man!!!! (Actually, I'll still eat at your restaurants. I have low self-control and discipline! Ahahahahahahahaha!!) And, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping to bump in to Beach Break Waitress again while down there!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I know I know, I'm a creeper!!! When in Oceanside, do this place!!! I swear you won't regret it!!!!!

Beach Break Cafe on Urbanspoon