Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Grill Em All: Obey Your Master!!!!!!

So I guess I'm a Johnny Come Lately when it comes to the whole food truck scene!!!! Every time I think of a food truck, my mind immediately goes to a bunch of gardeners laying on a freshly cut lawn of green grass they have just finished working on while a roach coach is pulled up along side of them pushing cheaply prepared sandwiches and God knows what else for their lunch breaks!! Hey, God bless those who keep our parks and lawns tidy and neat!!! They deserve a break after working hard all day out in the hot sun!!!!! However, I've never been compelled to spend my money or waste a meal on food that comes from a food truck!!! Call me a snob or whatever, but it just doesn't sound too appetizing to me!!!! But with the rise of the food truck scene and with myriad food trucks lavishing their fusion gourmet cuisine onto the Southern California eating scene, I decided it was time I get with the times and try some of them out!!!!!! Hey, the Church over time has gotten with it by now ordaining women, looking the other way at pre-marital sex, and now marrying homosexual couples!!!!! If the church can get with it when it comes to certain social issues, well then, I can get with it when it comes to expanding my horizons when it comes to eating at a g-damn food truck for lunch!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Look, I'm aware those above statements about the Church will be deemed offensive to some, so just pull the wadded cotton panties out from your crack and know that I'm just trying to have fun!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Anyway, one of the contributing factors that led me to the realization that food trucks are actually puting out some pretty dignified cuisine has to do with the Food Network show called The Great Food Truck Race!!! To be honest, I think reality TV is obnoxious and substandard programming at best and I've always thought Americans' love of reality TV was a sad commentary on our intellectual and moral reputation to the rest of the civilized and uncivilized world!!!! Reality TV is idiotic in my opinion!!! However, being that a lot of the food truck contestants on The Great Food Truck Race were from Orange County and being that the food they were serving would look nothing short of salivating, into the The Great Food Truck Race did I get sucked, much like Paris Hilton's boyfriend did in that bootlegged home video of the two of them after a long night of boozing at the Hollywood clubs!!!! Did I just cross the line there?!?!?!?!?!?! Yeah, maybe I did!!! I apologize to my under 18 demographic!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! OK OK, I'll clean it up!!!!
OK! So, I didn't watch season 1 of the The Great Food Truck Race, but I had heard that the Grill Em All Truck was the victor of this inaugural food truck competition and that they in fact set up shop in multiple locations all around the Southern California area!!!! After following them on Twitter for a little while, I waited until they were going to be somewhat close to me and then, BAM!!!! The Grill Em All Truck and my empty stomach and hearty appetite were going to clash much like Megadeth, Slayer, and Suicidal Tendencies clashed while on that one tour in the fall of 1990!!!!!!!!! Just to give you a little bit of context leading up to my visit to Grill Em All, I had been drinking heavily the night before!!! Like really heavily!!!!! I like to drink beer and imbibe in a few glasses of wine a couple of times a week, but that's about the extent of it!!!! But on this particular night, I think I had more to drink then I ever had in my entire life!!!!!!! Not on the night I turned 21, not during my bachelor party, nor the time I went on a bender in Vegas with some friends from college, had I ever had more to drink than on the night before I ate at Grill Em All!!!! No no no no no no!!!! This night conquered all of them!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! The drink of choice for us all was something called an Oatmeal Cookie!!! OK, I don't particularly care for hard liquor or cocktails and I'm not even that familiar with the many different cocktails that exist, but Oatmeal Cookies.... Shesus!!!!!!! I mean with each shot I took it was like the Pepperidge Farm baker was there giving us sample after sample after sample after sample after sample after sample of that warm gooey baked sugary cookie batter benevolence!!!!! The only problem was was that there was an s-load of alcohol in each shot!!!! Holy God!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Needless to say, when I woke up on my living room floor the next morning with my face down on the hardwood tile, I had a splitting headache, was completely disoriented, and was still a little inebriated from the alcohol leftover in my system from the night before!!!!!!! When I pushed myself up off the floor, and after emptying half of the five gallon Arrowhead water container in the kitchen and gulping down a pot and a half of coffee, I slowly started coming to my senses and began tofeel the booze wearing off!!!!! Whoooooooaaaaaaaa!!!!!
Being that my post drinking hunger was occuring that morning, as opposed to the night before, and after pushing myself up off the floor, I somehow remembered Grill Em All wasn't gonna be that far away from me that afternoon!! So, I grabbed my wallet and off I went to see Grill Em All at a local park!!!!!
When I got there, they weren't quite open yet, but a substantial line had been forming with eaters waiting expectantly for the Grill Em All burgers made famous through not only their taste, but through their victory on The Great Food Truck Race!!!! Being that they weren't open, I had some time to look over the menu, strategize if you will, and figure out how I was going to best use up every last square inch of real estate in my devoid, alochol diluted stomach!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
One of the things I noticed is that food trucks, most all the gourmet food trucks that is, are kind of pricy!!!!! I mean, make a trip to the damn Wells Fargo ATM or take out a small loan before you visit one of these mobile food vendors because it's expensive!!!! But after looking at the menu, it was as if I was just walking back from the bars and anything greasy, salty, cheesy, or fatty sounded absolutely delicious and divine!!!!!!! I mean, grilled gourmet burgers?!?!?!?!?! I couldn't have picked a better time to visit the Grill Em All truck!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Eventually, I decided on the Witte (wit-e) which had cream cheese, deep fried bacon, beer sauteed onion, and a vinegar aioli!!!! This burger... was awesome!!!! There is something about cream cheese on burgers that is absolutely genious and simply put, works!!! I mean, it works like taking your kids cell phone away from them works when they talk back to you so as to teach them a lesson to never speak to their parents in a disrespectful way again!!!!! This was a beautiful hangover recovery burger!!!!! But, being that I was still walking back from the bars so to speak, I wasn't done!!!!!!! Next, I went for the Behemoth!!!!! This was I believe the largest and most expensive burger on their menu!!!!! The Behemoth consisted of grilled cheese sandwhiches that served as buns, cheddar cheese, bacon, beer soaked onions, pickles and bbq sauce!!!!!! When I first saw the Behemoth my first thought was, "this is so unnecessary and so over the top... But it's so ingenious!!!!!!!!!!!!" On both the Witte and Behemoth, the beef, bacon and beer soaked onions were absolutely extraordinary!!!!!! I mean, as I sat on my park bench eating my burgers, I kept saying to myself, "I can't tell if this is truth or dream!!! Am I actually experiencing this or is this a fantasy? Because if it's a dream, I never want to go back to reality!!!! Hold my breath as I wish for death!!! Please God wake me!!!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I mean, I could've just died in that moment and woken up at the gates of Heaven knowing full well that when I had exited light after sampling some of the finest fatty hangover prevention food in all of Los Angeles, I had lived life to the fullest with these burgers sitting in my gut!!!!!!  These are absolutely brilliant burgers and it is not a surprise at all that they were the winners and champions of The Great Food Truck Race!!!!!! My advice to you, follow these guys on Twitter and whenever they are even remotely in your area, get your ass over to their master mobile eatery and take it to the face!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Grill Em All rocks, and even though I'm not a heavy metal guy, these burgers are worth whatever price you pay or drive you make!!!!! Do this place and eat hard!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Grill 'Em All (food truck) on Urbanspoon

Monday, February 20, 2012

Durango Diner: Cholesterol Laden Goodness!!!!!!

So, I had stopped in Durango for a few days on my way back from Texas and decided I was going to make the drive from southwestern Colorado all the way back to Southern California in one shot... "That's one shot!!! That's one shot, Kid!!!!" - Ronnie from Jersey Shore, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I also was wanting to see the Meteor Crater just outside of Flagstaff!!!! Needless to say, it was going to be a long ass day of driving and I needed some serious strength to get me through my own personal miniature Gumball Rally!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
In walking up and down Main Ave. in downtown Durango I was struck by Durango Diner each time I passed it by!!!! It looked like an old school, mom and pop, down home diner that Durango locals would frequent!!!!! Hey if truck drivers driving cross country, cowboys preparing to handle multiple bails of hay for the day, and city workers  shoveling salt and scooping snow out of the residential streets mash at this place, then it's good enough for me!!!!!! If Durango Diner can provide the amount of calories necessary for those fine folks to get them through their day, then hey, this greasy diner food can get me to Meteor Crater and ultimately back to So. Cal. in one shot!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
The morning of my drive I got up very early, like 5am, went down to Durango Diner, walked through the doors at 6am and took a seat at the counter!!!!! I was the only customer there and the guy who I think was the owner and his wife were there preparing for the day of serving the locals and tourists of Durango!!!!! The owner and his wife were super friendly and chill!!!!!! Like they were good quality people!!!!! We spoke of love, we spoke of life, we talked poetry... No no no no no no.... We talked about current events and made small talk!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
But the owner was like, "I'll make you whatever you want to eat!!!!" Yyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! After looking over the menu, I said to the guy I wanted an omelet with sausage, tomatoes, mushrooms, and onions with a bunch of cheese melted on top of and within the eggs!!!! He then asked me, "Do you want some chili verde on top of your omelet?!?!?!" In the words of the Kool-Aid pitcher from the 1980's, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Yyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! The omelet came with a massive side of hash browns and toast!!!!! After I ordered my omlet I was like, "Hey, can I get an order of pancakes too?!?!?!?!" The guy was like, "Dude, I'll make you whatever you want, but just so you know, if you get an order of pancakes with this omelet... that's a lot of food!!!" After mulling it over for a little while and listening to my stomach and in the name of wanting to pace myself for the duration of the day, I decided to pass on the pancakes!!!! At 6am I'm just not as hungry as I usually am!!!!! Next time Durango Diner, next time I will demolish those pancakes like a failing hotel/casino on Las Vegas Blvd.!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
So, my breakfast was the omelet, hash browns and toast!!! Let me just say, this was a massive plate of food!!!!! It looked amazing, and being that it was coming from an old school locals diner, my omelet and hash browns looked incredibly appetizing!!!!! With half the plate covered in omelet doused in chili verde and the other filled with hash browns, I took the bottle of ketchup and made a generous puddle with that gluey-like, sugary tomato paste!!!! With every bite of my omelet topped with chili verde as well as every bite of my fried potatoes, I would mix them with my ketchup puddle and then deposit that grease laden, cholesterol rich breakfast food goodness into my face cavity with great joy!!!!!! The combination of eggs, cheese, sausage and veggies with grease, ketchup and chili-verde was nothing short of celestial!!!!! I pounded down that early morning grub like a miner pounds on a rock with a pick ax looking for nuggets of gold!!!!!! It was awesome!!!! When I had finished my food and I began to feel that grease settle in my belly, I almost walked back to my bed to take an early morning nap!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But I didn't!!!! I proceeded to slam multiple cups of coffee and the caffeine helped get the blood flowing through my veins for the long drive I had ahead!!!!
Overall, I really enjoyed Durango Diner!!!!! If I'm ever back in Durango I will be back and perhaps stop by in the afternoon to grab a burger or one of their other typical diner plates!!!!!! This place is old school and it's awesome!!!!! When in Durango, do this place!!!! You may need to spend the day mountain biking, hiking, or skiing to burn off all the calories, but hey, it'll be well worth it!!!!! Oh and just so you know, I made it to Meteor Crater and it was so cool!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Durango Diner on Urbanspoon

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Homeslice Pizza: It's 4:20 Somewhere!!!!!

When I arrived in Durango, I was under the impression that it would be a town filled with hillbillies, cowboys, and those guys that wear plaid button down shirts tucked in to their dark blue Wranglers with bright orange trucker hats and those massive belt buckles with some ridiculous saying or tacky artistry!!!! Well, Durango does indeed have that particular element to it!!! However, one of the huge surprises I encountered upon spending a few days in this historic southwestern Colorado mountain town, is that Durango is no doubt one of the crunchiest cities I have ever been to!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Berkeley California, Eugene Oregon, Humboldt and now.... Durango Colorado!!!! Oh yes indeed, Durango, Colorado belongs in the conversation when talking about cities filled with the most Cruchy Groovers per capita!!!! I don't know if there's any sort of official demographic or statistic regarding cruchy groovers, but everywhere I looked in Durango there was some dude or chick with freshly burned dreads wearing a nose ring with glassy eyes glaring into nothingness due to the potent Moroccan hashish they likely blazed down just a few moments earlier!!!!! My guess is that Durango would be in a high percentile nationally in regards to crunchy groovers!!! Oh, and the crunchy groover women would wear these baggy jeans underneath retro sundresses made in the 70's that were probably bought at some run down thrift store while they would give off this God-awful earthy homeless scent likely due to not showering for an extended period of time!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Don't get me wrong, I love crunchy groovers with their earthiness and care-free attitude!!!!!! It was a welcome surprise for me as I arrived in Durango and thought I would be surrounded by nothing but red-necked mountain trash all week!!!!!!
Now, when I was walking down College Dr. one day, I noticed Homeslice Pizza!!! There were a couple of things that made Homeslice stand out to me!!!!! Number one was its appearence: given the building it was in (which looked like a house that somebody probably lived in at some point), the design of the patio with  branches wrapping around their wooden deck, and the crunchy groovers loitering out in front, it stuck out to me as a very intriguing and unique looking pizza place!!! The second thing I noticed was that it was directly next door to a neighborhood pot dispensary!!!!!!!!! Not even kidding!!!!! No wonder why there were some many crunchy groovers hanging around!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! After you get your bags of ganja from the dispensary next door and smoke a few bowls, you get the munchies, right?!?!?!?!?!?! And what better way to assuage your cannabis induced appetite than smashing down a large pizza from Homeslice?!?!?!?!?! What an absolutely brilliant marketing strategy by Homeslice Pizza!!!!! Absolutely and utterly genius!!!!!!!!
Look, I'm not a crunchy groover and I don't smoke weed, but after walking by Homeslice Pizza a couple of times, I just had to try it (the pizza that is)!!! When I walked through the doors the interior had a very artsy, progressive feel to it!!! And not surprisingly, there were some crunchy groovers gathered around a table in a corner downing multiple slices of pie as well as a crunchy groove girl working behind the counter taking orders!!!!
On the night I visited Homeslice I went for a 16" with half pepperoni, garlic, and jalepeno, and the other half with sausage, mushroom, and tomato!!!! When my pie came out of the oven, I took it back to where I was staying and proceeded to annihilate every last bite of my Homeslice pizza!!!!! This was a beautiful beautiful pizza!!!! The toppings were of a high quality and incredibly fresh, while the crust was absolutely perfect!!!! The crust had a nice crunch on the outside and was soft in the middle which made it easy to consume!!! Hey, something just occured to me, the pizza at Homeslice is a lot like a crunchy groover: crunchy on the outside, but when you talk with them and get to know them, they are kind hearted people!!!! Soft, if you will!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Also, they used just the right amount of sauce!!! Not too much, but not too little!!!!! 
Homeslice Pizza puts out transcendent doughy pizza goodness that has the capability to send all those who eat it into another reality!!!! Oh wait, that might be the THC running through your system!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But Homeslice is damn good food and perhaps can serve as an alternative to pot smokers who are looking for that powerful buzz in life!!!! .... Probably not though!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
It seems to me that there are some businesses in this country that are recession proof that there will always be a market for: the funeral business, the wedding business, the prom business, and....  pizza restaurants right next door to pot dispensaries!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Brilliant business savvy, Homeslice, brilliant I say!!!!!!
If you're ever in Durango be sure to make your way over to Homeslice Pizza!!!!! This is quality pizza made by crunchy groovers for crunchy groovers!!!! And who better knows what it takes to satisfy hunger than a crunchy groover?!?!?!?!?! .... Nobody!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I loved my visit to Homeslice!!!!!! When in Durango, do this place!!!!!!! And and and and... if you can get a prescription for, I don't know.... glaucoma or something, it might make your visit to Homeslice that much better!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I love you Homeslice!!! Do this place!!!!

Homeslice Pizza on Urbanspoon

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Old Tymer's Cafe: Who Is This That Beckons Me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

In Durango, Colorado, it get's pretty g-damn cold!!! Especially when the sun sets behind the caps of the San Juan Mountains at about 5pm!!!! Shesus it gets cold!!! And when the wind starts to blow, forget about it!!!!! But as I walked up and down Main Ave. with my heavy jacket on with multiple layers underneath, a wool cap insulating my head, and an alpaca scarf wrapped around my neck, my cheeks were turning red and my legs began to go numb!! I mean, it gets damn freezing in Colorado this time of year!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! One of the things that I've found, is that when it gets really really cold outside, like ass cold, my stomach starts to sound like a Grizzly Bear snarling and squeezing the life out of an Alaskan Salmon trying to work its way upstream!!!!! As my wife and I were walking along Main Ave., with hands numb and snot frozen to the insides of our nostrels, I smelled the wondrous redolent odor of hamburger beef coming from a restaurant sitting on the corner of Main and 10th!!!!! This wondrous odor of sizzling cow I speak of was emanating from none other than Olde Tymer's Cafe!!!!!!! This burger from Olde Tymer's was calling me, it beckoned me, it knew my name and seemed to beg for me to enter into the doors of the Olde Tymer's Cafe and rescue it from the oppressive hell of the Olde Tymer's Kitchen and deliver it into the sheltered, warm sanctuary of my mouth and stomach!!!! I'm coming Olde Tymer's burger!!!!! I'm coming for you!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Seriously though, the combination of frigid mountain air coupled with a numb face and the scent of charred beef escaping into the freezing Colorado winds leaves one violated when it comes to their free will!!!! When you smell that smell, you unalterably have no choice but to say, "I'm coming for you!!!!!!!!! I'm coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
When we walked into the doors of the Olde Tymer's Cafe and felt the warm air of the restaurants furnace strike our brisk shivering bodies, I immediately began to feel like a frozen Foster Farms chicken being defrosted in the microwave!!!!! The chills and numbness instantly began to wear off and I could feel melted snot rolling down on to the top of my lip!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I know, that's gross!!! Anyway, we noticed all the tables were full, but the bar was free so we headed for a couple of empty stools and took a seat!!! When we sat down I noticed a glorious surprise!!!! It was happy hour and they had Blue Moons for $2.75 a pint and Nacho's for $3.50 a plate!!!!! Would I like to experience the happy hour deal?!?!?! Uh, yes please!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Man, when they brought us those Blue Moon's, I slammed that orange flavored brew down like Tom Hanks slammed down coconut milk on that deserted island in the movie Cast Away!!!!!! After pint number one, I then began to feel a new numbness running through my body, but this numbness wasn't from the below freezing temperature outside!!! You know what I mean?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!
Soon they brought us our plate of nachos, and man were they good!! Plenty of gooey melted cheese, spicy jalapenos, and a cup of salsa that complimented the nachos nicely!!! Nacho's and beer are good, but when it's colder than Rush Limbaugh's heart outside and you're paying happy hour prices, the food and drink at Ole Tymer's seemed unparalleled!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Once the nacho plate was left with nothing but tortilla chip crumbs and grease and once we were well into pint number two with our companions of Blue Moon, out they came.... The Olde Tymer's Burger!!!!!!! I think it came on an onion bun and it had melted cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickle!!!!! You could see the heat rising from the meat patty and each time somebody opened the front door of the restaurant and we were reminded of the brisk mountain air that was outside awaiting us upon our departure, the burger seemed to smell and look that much more appetizing!!!!!! When I compiled all of my burger components together and gave my Olde Tymer's Burger a healthy dose of ketchup, I pushed that hot and juicy sandwich towards my face and the moment it hit my lips, I knew what real pleasure and real living was all about when it comes to human existence!! I mean I knew pleasure and living at that moment the same way King David knew Bathsheba that fateful night he was walking around the roof of his palace!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Let's just say my burger and I became familiar!!!! The Olde Tymer's Burger and The Olde Tymer's Cafe, is a truly excellent and quality burger!!!!! And the fries!!! Don't let me end this review without mentioning the fries!!!! The way they are fried and the seasoning that are put on them makes them taste like potato cakes of the most succulent and beautiful kind!!!! These fries are amazing and they complimented the burger and Blue Moon so so well!!!!!!
Whether you're going to Durango to ski, hike, mountain bike, shop, see Mesa Verde, or just sit in a bar and sample multiple brilliant Colorado microbrews, you've got to stop by Olde Tymer's Cafe!!!! Excellent food and you cannot beat the happy hour!!!! At least compared to what you'll find in Southern California!!!!! Hit this place and hit it hard!!!! You can get a lot of food for not that much money!!!!! Do it now!!!!! It's awesome!!!! Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Olde Tymer's Cafe on Urbanspoon

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Salsa Brava: People Like to Say "Salsa!!!!!!!!!!!!"

In spending the day in Flagstaff, I knew that I would visit Salsa Brava on Route 66, as I saw on TV that Guy Fieri dropped by here and raved about the Stuffed Sopapilla this place puts out!!!! When I was watching them prepare the Sopapilla on DDD, I got up off my couch, took a few steps toward the TV, pointed my index finger at the screen and said, "Oh, I'm doing that place, baby!!!! No if's and's or but's!!!!!!" My wife then told me to sit down...
Anyway, what I saw on TV that night was one of the most delicious looking, meat encrusted, pieces of Mexican Food that I have ever laid eyes on.... EVER!!!!! Is a Sopapilla Mexican, Tex-Mex, or something else?!?!?! I don't know and I don't care!!!!! All I knew after watching G. Fieri in the kitchen at Salsa Brava that night, was that I needed a Sopapilla and I would stop at absolutely nothing to have one!!!!!!! I mean, I almost got in the g-damn car right then and there to drive to Flagstaff to go get me one!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! But I didn't!!! I took a milligram of Xanax to get my mind off of it...
OK, so while I was driving along I-40 towards Flagstaff, knowing that the Stuffed Sopapilla was in reach, I'm sure I broke several speeding laws in both California and Arizona!!!! But I didn't care!!!! If getting my Sopapilla sooner rather than later meant paying a hefty fine by a highway patrolman, then so be it!!!!! It would be well worth it!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Jesus God, I thought of that one astronaut who wore diapers so she could drive without stopping to see that guy she was in love with in Florida!!!!!! Remember that story?!?!?! That could've been me for God's sake!!!! It absolutely could've been me!!!! But it wasn't a person I was in love with, it was a Sopapilla!!! However, I refrained from the diaper route and made pit stops when I had to!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
When I finally got to Flagstaff, the first place I went to, before checking in to my hotel, was Salsa Brava!!!! In pulling into the parking lot, it was practically empty!!!! A good sign for me as I didn't want to wait and I wanted my Stuffed Sopapilla as soon as humanly g-damn possible!!!!!!!! I walked in, took a seat at a booth and didn't even look at the menu!!!!! Didn't even look!!!! When the waiter came by, a nice young man who was a student at Northern Arizona University, I simply told him: "Give me the Stuffed Sopapilla!!!!!!!!!!!" I actually wasn't that rude to the guy, but I was incredibly eager decimate this thing as my anticipation for the Stuffed Sopapilla was greater than a pre-millenialist Christians waiting for Jesus to return at the rapture!!!!! I got mine with carne asada and chile-verde sauce!! Hey, I'm in the Southwest!!! Gotta go for the green chile-verde sauce, right?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
As I placed my order, the waiter mentioned to me that among other things, Salsa Brava is known for their Salsa Bar. Cool!! He brought me out a basket of chips and encouraged me to sample their different salsa's while munching on chips and waiting for my Sopapilla!!!!! I can't remember, but I think they had like 5 or 6 different types of salsa!!! I got like 3 or 4 of the different salsas, and to be quite honest with you, the salsa's were nothing special!!! They weren't bad, but being from Southern California, I've had many salsa's that are much better!!! I'm not hating, their salsa is fine!!! Just saying I've had better salsa on many different occasions!!!! After pushing through about 3 baskets of chips, the moment of truth came!!! My Stuffed Sopapilla was brought out and served to me!!!!! With every square inch of that plate covered with food, I swear to God I felt like John Travolta in the movie Pulp Fiction when he opens up that case and takes a glimpse at the mysterious object he had been paid money to kill all those college kids for!!! It was like this golden reflection was shining on to my face and I couldn't take my eyes off of it!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! My first look at the Stuffed Sopapilla was.... Glorious!!!!!!!! I just wanted to have a private moment with my food!!! So much had been built up for this meal, this food, this day!!!!! I just needed to soak it in and remember....
When I bit in to the Stuffed Sopapilla it was absolutely magnificent!!! The fried dough was simply brilliant!!! I have no other word to describe it other than brilliant!!!!! And the carne asada was excellent too!!! The carne asada had a certain gaminess to it, but with the meat combined with the crispy golden dough along with the chile verde sauce, melted cheese, beans, and sour cream, it was more genius and significant then the contributions Stephen Hawking has made to the world of Physics and Mathemeatics combined!!!!! I don't regret that statement!!!!! I don't regret it at all!!!!!!!!! Along with the Stuffed Sopapilla they give you a side of rice and refried beans... They were fine...
Needless to say, the star of the show was the Stuffed Sopapilla!!! I've gotta be honest, I was a little skeptical of the Mexican food of northern Arizona. Whereas it still probably is not up to the standards of what you'll find in Southern California, this Stuffed Sopapilla at Salsa Brava could stand next to any Mexican dish in the g-damn universe!!!!! That's truth!!!! I don't know how much more strongly I can emphasize to you that when in Flagstaff, you must try the Stuffed Sopapilla at Salsa Brava!!!! It's an experience you will surely share with your grandchildren one day!!! I know I'll share my day at Salsa Brava with my grand kids and maybe the story of my meal there will be passed down through generation upon generation in my family!!!! This place is legendary!!!! Do this place and do it hard!!! You won't regret it!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Salsa Brava on Urbanspoon

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Diablo Burger: El Diablo!!! Dios Mio!!! El Diablo!!!!!

I was driving along I-40E, enjoying the picturesque scenery as I headed to Amarillo!!! Don't ask me why I was going to Amarillo! I have some family out that way who I had not seen in quite some time and I needed to touch base with them for reasons I won't bore you with!! Anyway, the drive on I-40E isn't really picturesque!!! I was being sarcastic!!!!!!! I know, a real stretch for me!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I woke up incredibly early to get as much driving in as I possibly could!!! After driving through Barstow, Needles, and Kingman, AZ, I couldn't help but just meditate and ponder as to what on God's earth would cause or motivate any human being who habitates this planet to live in any of the above mentioned cities?!?!?!?!?! I mean, if you lived in Needles, wouldn't you do everything in your God given powers and abilities to get the hell out of there?!?!?!?! The same can be said of Kingman!! Who lives in these places?!?!? Or a more important question is, Why?!?! I don't get it!!! Some people would say, "Well, it's home." OK, but.... well...nevermind!! I'm not going to try to understand these cities or the people who live in them!! Some people totally baffle me!!! To each their own I guess!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Upon waking up really early to drive to Amarillo and driving on 1-40E for about 7 hours, I arrived in Flagstaff right at about lunchtime!!!!! After driving for many hours straight and peering at nothing but barren desert wasteland, I was thoroughly depressed and needed to be cheered up badly!!! And what better way to cheer yourself up than emptying a truckload of food down your throat?!?!?!?! Flagstaff couldn't have been a more welcome sight!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! When I pulled in to Flagstaff, I was struck by the beauty and character of the city!!!! There were many old red brick buildings, fine looking downtown eateries, and a major university sprawling with energetic students in their late teens to early twenties!!!!! There was a big mountain with a snow capped top, pine trees, and snow all over the ground!!! Flagstaff is beautiful!!! Oh, and let us not forget, let us not forget.... that Flagstaff is incredibly crunchy!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! C'mon what do you expect?!?!?!?!?! It's a charming mountain town with a major university in it!!!! There's a  very intellectually progressive, doobie smoking feel to Flagstaff!!!! Some would say that Flagstaff is known for being like the Berkeley of Arizona!!! I would agree with that assessment!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! With that said, I pulled into the historic downtown area, made a left on Leroux St., parked my car and began looking for someplace to appease my depleted stomach after many hours of driving!!!! After walking around for a few minutes, I stumbled across this place called Diablo Burger!!! Actually, I had heard of Diablo Burger before and knew it had a sound reputation and much talked about burger!!!! But I wasn't exactly looking for it and did stumble across it!!! Upon seeing the entrance I said to myself, "OK, let's do this!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
When I walked in the door, I noticed that the inside of Diablo Burger is pretty small!!! They have only like three or four tables, but they're commune style, so people you don't know will just walk up to your table and sit down and eat with you!! Being that we were in a crunchy mountain town, I decided that the whole sharing and communism thing with the tables in Diablo Burger was cool!! These real earthy dudes, sat down at my table... it was chill!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
When I walked up to the counter to look over the menu and place my order, I asked the cashier what burger Diablo Burger was primarily known for. He replied to me and said, "There isn't necessarily a specific burger we're known for. We're more known for our beef." You know, as he said that to me, my mind immediately went to the gutter and I thought to myself, "Gosh, when it comes to the women in the Southern California area, I wish that's what I was known for..." Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! OK OK, that's totally crude and I apologize! But I just couldn't resist!!! After looking at the menu, I went for The Cheech: guacamole, pepper-jack cheese, and jalapenos!!! I was super thirsty and didn't want to drink beer because I still had some driving ahead of me, so I just went for water. What's cool about the water here is that they bring it to you in this fancy looking wine-bottle type vessel!!! The water was very cold and clean tasting!! A very nice touch being up in the mountains and surrounded by the San Francisco Peaks, which is where this water probably came from!!!! After awhile, they brought out my Cheech placed on top of a stack of rosemary seasoned fries in a basket!!! I noticed that instead of traditional hamburger buns, Diablo Burger serves all of their burgers on a Thomas English Muffin and they brand their logo "DB" on the top part of the bread!!! It looks pretty cool!!!! Also, they told me that all of their burgers are served medium rare and are a little pink in the middle!! Fine with me!!! Bloody food is good food as far as I'm concerned!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I took off the top of my burger and squirted a healthy dose of the Diablo Burger ketchup!!! When I picked up my Cheech, probably half of the guacamole fell down into my rosemary fries!!!!! A good sign as the more toppings there are, the better!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! As I cuddled my burger and launched it towards my mouth to take my first bite, I noticed that this burger was fabulously juicy!!! The juice/grease from the burger began to fill and saturate the inside of my mouth!!! Burger juice again began falling all over my rosemary fries!!!! Oh, and their ketchup is very unique!!! It's like got this really spicy kick and tang to it! It compliments the beef nicely!!! With the combination of spicy ketchup, pepper jack, jalapenos, guacamole and high quality beef, there was a good kick to this burger!!!! Not sure how I felt about the English muffin as a bun as it seemed to stifle the flavor of the burger a bit, but overall, this burger was a superb one!!!!! It really eased the hunger that had been building up inside of me after about 7 hours of driving!!! Oh, and I have to say something about the rosemary fries!!! Usually I'm not a huge fan of rosemary, but there was something about being in the cool mountain air, combined with that spiciness and tang of the ketchup, that just caused the rosemary fries to work for me!!! Overall, Diablo Burger was a fantastic meal and experience!!!! When it comes to the greatest burger of all time, I'm not sure I can say it's at the top of my list, but certainly Diablo Burger is in the conversation!!! When in Flagstaff, hit this place and hit it hard!! The burgers are a little on the small side so you can probably do like 3-4 if you're really hungry!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Nice job Diablo Burger!! If I'm ever in Flagstaff, we'll meet again!!!!

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