Friday, October 21, 2011

Tomato Pie Pizza Joint: Impress the Chicks!!!!

When I was driving through Silver Lake, looking for Tomato Pie Pizza Joint, I kept thinking of that line from Swingers when Ron Livingstone asks John Favreau where the bar is they are going to. Favreau responds by saying, "For some reason the cool bars in Hollywood have to be hard to find and have no sign. It's kind of like a speakeasy kind of thing. It's kinda cool. It's like you're in on some kind of secret, you know?  You tell a chick you been someplace, it's like braggin' that you know how to find it."
And that is exacly what Tomato Pie Pizza Joint is like!!!! I seriously drove by this place like 5 times!!! There's hardly any signage and it's as though if you've been to Tomato Pie Pizza Joint in Silver Lake, then you're in on some kind of a secret!!!! G-dammit I was getting pissed though! I had the address written down right in front of me, I was staring right at the damn building, but I had no idea it was Tomato Pie Pizza Joint I was staring at!!! But whatev!! I ended up finding it, so all is good!!I guess I'm now in on the secret!!!!! Chick's will dig that I now know this place, right?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
In many pizza publications I have read, and on shows presented by either Food Network or Travel Channel, Tomato Pie Pizza Joint in Silver Lake is commonly regarded as one of the finest pizza's in the entire country!!!! Hell, maybe in the entire world!!!! It’s always on everybody's top 10 list!!! Being that I live within driving distance to Silver Lake, I owed it to myself.... no no no no no... I owed it to society, to sample this pizza and see if I truly did live within the presence of  pure greatness!!!
When I finally found the front door, the only thing I had in my mind to order was a pizza called the Tomato Pie which is simply, dough, sauce, and parmesean cheese!!! That's it!! Apparently the Tomato Pie is what has put this place on the map and has caused many a pizza conniseur to place TPPJ in their top 10 of all time!!! I have either or heard or read comment after comment about the championship caliber of the Tomato Pie pizza!!!! In walking up to the counter, they had all of their specialty pizzas on display in the front for those who would want to order only a slice and all of them looked utterly delicious!!!! I stood there at the front staring at the menu and pizzas for a good twenty minutes trying to figure out what I wanted!!! Oh God, the pressure!!! But the guy behind the counter, who was extremely friendly, told me to take my time in deciding!!!! There's no rush, he said!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! As I glared at the menu and at the pizzas behind the glass, I swear to God I felt like George W. Bush in 2002 when he was weighing the decision to go to war with Iraq!!!!!! This decision about what pizza to order was going to be absolutely massive for me and had the potential to change the course of my entire existence as well as my legacy as a human being!!!!! The type of anticipation I felt in wanting to eat this pizza was like a Mormon anticipating the moment he would lie with his wife for the very first time!!!! But like G.W., I was torn!! I may regret some of the decisions I made that day at Tomato Pie Pizza Joint with my ordering, but I don't have time to live with  regrets!!!!!! I stand by my decision wholeheartedly!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
I ended up ordering a medium Tomato Pie as well as a medium Mr. White, which was cheese, garlic, oil, ricotta, and a hell of a lot of grease!!!!! Ahahahahahahaha!!! I also added  an order of garlic knotts!!!!
I initially ordered all of my food to go, but the smell of pizza exuding  from the oven in the other room was emitting such a glorious scent, that I decided I needed to eat this pizza right then and there!!! The hunger pangs just grew too much for   me to resist and the second they called my number I snatched my pies from the hands of the LA hipster who had just pulled them out of the oven, took a seat in a booth, and began shoveling slices of pizza into my face like a Cal Trans worker  shovels gravel onto a newly resurfaced highway!!!! First off, I've gotta say that sauce/crust combination with the parmesean of the Tomato Pie was immensely pleasing to my palette!!! Great crispy crust and marvelous sauce!!!!! But I didn't want to eat it all then and there, I wanted to save some of this pizza for later, for a private moment alone in my room!!! You know, just me and the pizza!!!! Can you understand that?!?!?!?!? Ahhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! So, I hopped into my car, jumped onto the 405 and began hurrying home as quickly as I possibly could!!! But that damned LA traffic always ruins your life each and every time you encounter it!!! I mean, it doesn't matter what day of the week it is or what time of day it is, there is always bumper to bumper to traffic in some part of LA at any given moment!!!! Free your people, Gov. Brown!!!! Liberate your citizens Mayor Villaragosa!!!! Attention Great Britian!!!! Invade the United States immediately and force our leaders to build us some sort of mass public transportation system so we can all move about freely!!!!! We are an oppressed people in Southern California!!!! Please help us!!!! Somebody do something about this traffic!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! As I sat in gridlock for what felt like hours on end: clutch, gas, break, clutch, gas, break, clutch, gas, break, clutch, gas, break... eventually the smell of my Tomato Pie  and Mr. White simply became irrisistable!!!!  I so badly wanted that private moment with Tomato Pie in the comfort of my own home, but in a moment of extreme weakness, I lost all self-control and began picking up slice after slice of my Tomato Pie Pizza Joint pizza, practically crumpling it up like a piece of used notebook paper, and stuffing it into my anger filled mouth while sitting in horrendous LA traffic!!! Clutch, gas, break, bite, clutch, gas, break, bite, napkin wipe,  bite, bite, bite, bite, napkin wipe, clutch, gas, break, clutch, gas, break.... Ahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I found  that the flavors of the Tomato Pie and the Mr. White complimented each other so so nicely!!! I went back and forth back and forth!!!!! One slice of Tomato Pie, one slice of Mr. White, one slice of Tomato Pie, one slice of Mr. White!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I was a little dissapointed in myself for lacking in self-control and not being able to wait until I got home to eat my pizza, but I gotta say, after I finished eating in traffic, suddenly, life wasn't all that bad!!!! There was a certain healing and contentment this pizza  brought about!!! I just felt real... chill, you know?  Thank you Tomato Pie!!!!
Look, I like to write positive things and give hyperbolic statements regarding the many fine eateries I've visited. I'll say this; Tomato Pie Pizza Joint is fantastic pizza!!!! When in the Hollywood/Silver Lake area, do this place! But is this place among the top 10 pizzas in all of the US?!?! Honestly, I'd have to say, no... But it's good and I give Tomato Pie Pizza joint my full endorsement!!!! (Whatever the hell that's worth!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!) Silver Lake possesses a beautiful thing in Tomato Pie Pizza Joint!!!! If you eat here, your life will be better for it!!! And and and... You'll impress the chicks!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! Do this place, and do it hard!!!!!!!! You're so money and you don't even know it!!!!

Tomato Pie Pizza Joint on Urbanspoon

Monday, October 17, 2011

Langer's Deli: Worth Risking Your Life For!!!!

To be quite honest, I've never been a huge fan of pastrami!!! I mean, in general it's alright, but it's rarely something I crave when I've been depriving myself of calories and nutrients for days on end!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But but but but but... the legend of Langer's Deli in Los Angeles is... well... legendary and I came to the conclusion that if I'm gonna' truly live my life, then I needed to try Langer's Deli in Los Angeles!!!! Langer's had been calling my name for quite some time!!!! As I woke up one morning last week, knowing I would be at Langers later that day, I stared at myself in the mirror for a good fifteen to twenty minutes and I just kept saying to myself over and over "Let's do this!!!! Let's do this!!!! Let's do this!!!! Let's do this!!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!  So, as I was driving up to Santa Anita last week to get my gamble on, I took a little detour and decided the time had arrived for me to sample this pastrami and see if it was truly something of legends!!!! Oh, by the way, I lost my ass at Santa Anita that day!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! But I had fun!!!!
  When I exited 8th Street and drove over towards MacArthur Park, I clearly saw that I was in the wrong part of town!!!! I mean, I was in Pico-Union for Christ's sake, which is I believe one of the poorest neighborhoods in all of Los Angeles!!! As I drove through Pico-Union I said to myself, "this cannot be right! I feel like I'm driving through downtown San Salvador, and is the legendary Langers Deli in this neighborhood?!?!" No disrespect at all to the wonderful Latino community, but I just didn't really think poor immigrants from Central America would be too keen on high priced Jewish deli's!! That was my surprise!!! As I drove by MacArthur Park, there it was on the corner of 7th and Alvarado!!!!! It was like the face of Christ being transfigured before the very eyes of Peter, John and James with beams of bright light shining forth from every direction!!!! Moses and Elijah were there too!!!! It was a heavenly and holy sight to behold!!!! But I swear to God I must have driven around in circles for a good half hour trying to find someplace to park!! That's a knock on this place, the parking situation is a difficult one. I ended up parking in a barrio off of James Woods Drive, and seriously, as I walked away from my 5 year old sedan, I took a long hard look at my car and said, "Well old girl, I may never see you again! You may get stolen and I may have to hitch a ride back home! But Langers is calling me!!!! And I need it!!! And if that means that you and I need to part ways forever, then so be it!!! I'm so sorry, but this is  what it's come to!!!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! As I walked over on to Alvarado towards MacArthur Park and Langers, in all seriousness, I feared for my life!!! I kept thinking to myself, "What the hell are you, a middle class white guy from Orange County, doing walking through this neighborhood on your own?!?!"  While walking down Alvarado I could hear the mariachi music blaring from overpriced low quality speakers from each flea market stand I passed by!!! With every step I took, I just kept waiting!!! Waiting for some doper, thief, or desperate father to stab me in the kidneys and rob me of all my cash!!!!! I was really scared!!! More than once, I thought about running back to my car and just driving away, but no!!!! Langers was calling!!!! I hear you Langers!!! I hear you calling!!!! I'm coming!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
When I finally made it to Langers, I dropped to my knees and thanked YWHW in heaven for sparing my life and bringing me to Langer's unharmed and safe!!! When I got up off of my knees  I walked over to the counter and took a seat!!!! As I popped open the menu I took a long hard look!!!! I poured over and studied that menu like a law student studies for the Bar Exam!!! I was thinking, "this could be my last meal!" After all,  I had to walk back to my car parked on James Woods Dr., the same way I came!!! Who knows what could happen to me!!! I was fully prepared for my life to end on that walk back to my car!!! But Langer's is calling me!!!!! I needed to make this potentially last meal of mine, count!!!! With that, I ordered the #19 which was a pastrami on rye with swiss, cole slaw, and Russian dressing. I also added on a side of large fries!! Let me just say flat out, that if this was the last meal I ever ate in my life, then I would leave this earth completely satisfied, fulfilled and happy!!!! I'd have no regrets at all!!! None whatsoever!!!!! That pastrami with the slaw, cheese, Russian dressing,  on rye was far and away one the most brilliant and delectable culinary creations this planet we live on will ever know.... EVER!!!!! Who the hell cares about making millions of dollars or travelling around the world or making a difference in people's lives!!!!! If you eat a #19 from Langer's, you will leave this world with no regrets at all!!!! At all!!!!! I promise you that!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Johnny Unitas: three time NFL MVP, Steve Yzerman: 10x NHL all star and 4x Stanley Cup Champion, Tony Gwynn: 15x MLB all star and 9x NL batting champion, Lance Allworth 7x AFL all star and 1x Super Bowl champion!!! All of these great athletes wore what number you ask? The #19!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahaha!!! You see where I'm going with this?!?!?! Do you see it?!?!?! There is greatness and power in the #19 from Langer's!!!!! There is greatness in the #19 period!!!!! There is a force greater than humanity in the pastrami sandwich at Langer's!!!! That's a fact!!!!!!! An absolute fact!!!!!!!
This food is powerful!!!! As Pico-Union began to change after WWII with the migration of Latino's, Langer's couldn't be moved!!! There is a certain power, an immovable force within this food!!! Just like Josephus and the Jewish Army fought off the Romans at Massada in the 1st century, so too does Langer's posses the power to fight off anything that might threaten the existence of this beautiful beautiful food!!! I know I know, eventually the Jewish army was defeated by those bastard Romans!! I'm just having fun!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Though the Latino community is a truly beautiful thing, it can't move the power of Langer's!!!! Nothing can move Langer's for that matter!!!!!! This food is here to stay!!!! When I finished my sandwich, I walked out to Alvarado, fully expecting to get stabbed by some junkie, but I made it back to my car, which didn't get stolen!!! It was a happy ending to my experience at Langer's!!!! But, I will go back!!!! I will risk my life, even die, for another shot at this food!!!! Is it worth it?!?! Absolutely and completely!!!!! Absoluteley and completeley!!!! Absolutely and completely!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Do this place and do it hard!!!! I love you Langer's!!!!!!

Langer's Deli on Urbanspoon

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Claim Jumper: The Meaning of Life!!!!!

The other day I came here because there was a radio show promotion going on for Monday Night Football where they were giving out prizes, pouring booze, and having a festive time!!! Being that I was bored off of my ass, I said to myself, “Oh what the hell!” and  decided to head down to the Claim Jumper in Fountain Valley to see if I could win some free stuff, watch a little football, and oh yeah, get my drink on like no other!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! When I got there and sat down at the bar, I didn’t have any idea what to expect or what to order for that matter!!  The bartender shared with me they were having happy hour for the entire game!!! Upon looking over the menu they had some fantastic deals for happy hour!!! $3 for a pint of the Claim Jumper brewed beer, $3 for Irish Nachos, $3 for beef sliders, $7 for a widow maker burger!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! What a pleasant surprise!!! I started off my time at Claim Jumper that day ordering many pints of the Claim Jumper Original Red Ale!!! For $3 a pint, it was not half bad!!! In fact, it was quite good tasting and very refreshing!!! After I had chugged down pint #2 that alcohol started telling my brain, “OK, it’s time to eat like a Muslim after the sun has set during Ramadan!” Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I called the bartender over and pointed towards those Irish Nachos and Beef Sliders on the menu and then waited with great expectancy while continuing to nurse the beautiful buzz the Red Ale brought about!! After a few minutes, my food was brought out and placed in front of me!!! As I looked down at my plate of fried potatoes with melted cheese topped with bacon bits along with those sliders, I then looked up at my server with a look on my face which expressed  extreme glee that asked the question, “is that for me?!?!” I mean I felt like a five year old who had just won a free 30 minute shopping spree to Toys-R-Us!!!! It was like receiving the greatest  gift know to humankind!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
But before we go any further, I want you to do me a favor!!! I want you to just stop, and scroll down to the bottom of this review and take a look at the pictures from Claim Jumper!!! I want you to look at the 3rd one down!!!  Go ahead, scroll down and take a look!!! ... I wanted you to look at that picture, because after spending happy hour the other day at Claim Jumper, I now have that exact same picture as the screen saver on my cell phone!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Screw having pictures of your wife in your wallet!! Screw having group photos of good times with your friends on your work desk!!!! It’s all about having the most pleasure filled and comfort giving eating moments of your life preserved through the magic of photography to have with you wherever you go!!! Every single time I look at that photo on my cell phone of those thin stringed Claim Jumper fries covered in melted cheese with bacon and dipped in ketchup and ranch, simply put, my heart comes to life!!!!! If I’m ever feeling stressed out or if I’m having a bad day at work, I simply just pause, turn to that beloved digital photo of Claim Jumper Irish Nachos, and all of my problems simply vanish!!! I just close my eyes and find that moment on that one Monday afternoon when I was nursing a beautiful Claim Jumper Original Red Ale buzz, while licking the cheese, grease and ketchup off of my salt covered fingers. And let us not forget that the beef sliders were excellent too!!! I asked the bartender for more ketchup and saturated that beef with ketchup like a leg of chicken is saturated with batter before it's dropted into the fryer!!! The beef was  of a high quality, well seasoned and delicious!!! It tasted like what a burger might taste like if you were out jumping claims during the California gold rush!!!!! Let’s just say, the flavors of the meat, worked!! And... I had the happy hour street fish tacos!!!!!! These fish tacos, seriously, are the best I've ever had!!!!!!!!!! Better than Chronic, better than Pedro's, better than Rubio's, better than Baja!!!!!! Not even joking!!!!! Not even effing joking!!!!!!! These fish tacos from Claim Jumper are the best..... EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
It was indeed a significant thing when families in the 19th century discovered gold in California!!! But I say this!!! This place is a more significant creation than any discovery of any mine of gold could ever be.... EVER!!!!! Claim Jumper has excellent food, outstanding beer, and good prices for happy hour!!!! Those three things are what life is about and this place captures them brilliantly!!!!!! Just brilliantly I say!!!!!! Through this food and beer, you will discover your life’s purpose!!!!! Rick Warren's book is flawed!!! Though it's a fine piece of Christian inspiration, it's short three chapters of life's purpose: beer, food, and happy hour!!!!! Mr. Warren never touches on these three topics, thus he fails to communicate to his readers what a purpose driven life really consists of!!!! Sorry Dude!!!! Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Make a decision to come here and  commit to that decision right now!!!!!! Your life will be filled with riches if you do!!!!! Do it!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Claim Jumper - Fountain Valley on Urbanspoon