Monday, December 17, 2012

Taqueria La Cumbre: The Power to Change Society!!!!

It's been awhile since I've reviewed, but I'm back baby!!!!! Been busy and surprisingly sane for the past few months which has made it difficult to blog!!!! But here I am!!!!! I'm not gone!!!! I'm here!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! OK, so there's something I've discovered that is simply glorious!!!!!! A few weeks ago, my allergies flared up and I started taking antihistamines!!!!! On the back of the box it stated that taking antihistamines may increase your appetite!!!!! Hhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! I popped those little tablets into my mouth, and after a little bit of waiting, my stomach started to growl and my appetite became so significantly large, it would have made John Holmes jealous!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I don't even know what that last sentence means!!!!! Also, somebody told me recently that Paxil and other anti-depressant medication will increase ones cravings for carbohydrates!!!!!!! So what did I do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? I made an appoitment with my doctor and told him I was feeling down and needed some Paxil!!!!!!!! Hey, with the cloudy weather and rain, it leaves me feeling blue, so my request to my doctor was completely and utterly legitimate!!!!! Completely and utterly!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! I've found that mixing antihistamines and anti-depressants makes you starving to death for like every single meal!!!!!! I can cram way more food down my throat with these magical little pills!!!!!! I love you Paxil and store brand anti-histimines!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But, I digress!!!
So, I would like to continue to review the restaurants I visited while I was up in San Francisco!!!!!!! One of the places I really badly wanted to visit was a place in The Mission District called Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!! Why did I want to come here?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, the guy on Man vs. Food ate here and I've seen it on many food shows that visit the Bay Area!!!! When you visit a restaurant that you've seen on T.V. whether it be Rachel Ray, Anthony Bourdain, Guy Fieri, Samantha Brown, or Adam Richman, it's like seeing a celebrity in person at a movie premiere in West Los Angeles!!!!!! Anyway, everybody on T.V. who visited Taqueria La Cumbre would pretty much wet their pants in talking about how good the food was here!!!!! Now, I'm aware that there is a significant Latino community in San Francisco as well and many Mexican immigrants in the Bay Area, but c'mon, Southern California has the best Mexican Food outside of Mexico, right?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?! Needless to say, I decided I needed to visit Taqueria La Cumbre to see if the food here lived up to the hype!!!!!!!!!!
As I was walking down Valencia Street I came upon Taqueria La Cumbre and it was like seeing Bill Paxton in person on the set of Aliens!!!! "Why don't you just put her in charge?!?!?!?!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I've gotta say that when I walked in to Taqueria La Cumbre I was already slanted in my opinion of Bay Area Mexican Food as LA, Orange County and San Diego are all closer to the Mexican border which automatically means that the Mexican Food down here is better and more authentic!!!!!!!! It's an automatic, baby!!!!!!!!!! However, in doing some research, The Mission is home to its own style of burrito that started back in the 60's known as the Mission Style Burrito or the San Francisco Burrito!!!!!! Apparentley Mission Burritos are distinct in that their size is larger than regular burritos, the flour tortilla is a bit "stretchier" and rice and beans are put inside!!! Though many burritos put rice and beans inside, apparentely San Francisco Burrito's are the originators of this culinary method!!!!!! Also, one of the reasons why Taqueria La Cumbre gets so much air time on TV is that it is believed to be the initial purveyor and creator of the Mission Style Burrito!!!!! OK, so when I walked through the doors of Taqueria La Cumbre and up to the counter, I peered over their menu and ended up going with a Deluxe Burrito filled with carne asada!!!!! I would've gotten more food but I had just eaten that massive torta at That's It Market which is just a few blocks away!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! The kitchen at Taqueria La Cumbre is open so you can see them grilling their meat and the vegetables are in an assembly line so you can put whatever you want on your burrito or tacos!!!!!! I told them to put everything on my Deluxe Burrito!!!!!! Everything!!!!!!!! Need they even ask?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! So when I got my foil wrapped burrito, I took a seat in the corner, unwrapped my San Francisco style burrito, and g-dammit I went to town!!!!!!! Now remember, I was prejudiced against this burrito before I even took a bite!!!!! How can it be better than So. Cal. Mexican food?!?!?!?!?!?!?! How?!?!?!?!?!?! It can't be!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yet, when I sunk my teeth in to that spongy flour tortilla, and as their carne asada, black beans, rice, cheese and salsa passed through my incisors and molars and onto my palette, I became a convert to Mission Style burritos quicker than St. Paul became a convert to Christianity while walking on the road to Damascus!!!!!!!! I mean, good God this burrito was tasty!!!!!!!! I will say that the carne asada is what made this burrito so palatable!!!!!! Whatever marinade or spices or cut of meat they use for this burrito makes this deceased animal flesh some of the best tasting I have ever had in my life!!!!! I swear to Chr*st I'm not exagerrating!!!!!!! I'm not!!!!!!!!! This very well may have been the best burrito I have ever encountered in the entirety of my life!!!!!! And that's saying something because I was prejudiced walking in to this joint!!!!!!!!! Me loving this burrito the way I did the moment it passed through my lips would be like the equivalent of James Earl Ray becoming a civil rights activist the moment he heard the "I Have a Dream" speech!!!!!!!! That's the social change that this burrito can bring about!!!!!!!! Not even joking!!!!!! Not even joking!!!!!!!! Like I said before, I was already kind of full when I walked in to Taqueria La Cumbre, but with these flavors being what they were, I pushed through the pain and put every last bite of that tortilla filled goodness down my pie hole!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Also, the Deluxe Burrito came with tortilla chips, but they weren't that good. They were kind of dry and forgettable!!!!! But when in SF, Oakland, or even down in San Jose, you've gotta find a way to get up to the Mission and sample the burritos at Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!! My high school football coach used to look at each of us in the eye before our games  in the locker and proclaim to us, "find a way to win today!" Well, when it comes to this food, "find a way to eat it!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Do this place!!!!!! It has the power to change society!!!! San Francisco becoming a bastion of gay civil rights makes total and complete sense to me now!!!!!!! It was because of the San Francisco burritos at Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!! Harvey Milk was a good man, and I would venture to say the main motivator that pushed him over the top to lead the gay community were the burritos at Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!! The Mission is not that far from the Castro!!!!!! Harvey Milk's apartment is walking distance!!!!! I believe Harvey Milk ate here on more than one occasion!!!!! I have zero evidence to support this, but I believe it with all of my heart!!!!!!!!!! Eat at Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!!!!! Your life and the world we inhabit will be better for it!!!!!!!!

La Cumbre Taqueria on Urbanspoon

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

That's It Market: Who'd Have Thought Good Food Could Be Had At A Liquor Store?!?!?!

So, I still have like four more Bay Area restaurant reviews to do, but sometimes it's hard to muster up the emotional energy and blog about good food I have eaten!!!!!! Just to give you a little bit of insight into my unstable mind, I can't simply sit down whenever I want and crank out a review!!!!! I have to be in the zone!!! I need to feel irrational and be filled with passion and ridiculousness to write in the style that encapsulates who I am and best represents all that entails Eat Like a Champion!!!!!! Hence, that's why a few weeks may go by in between reviews!!!! Believe it or not I have moments of sanity and when looking at my reviews I actually get a little embarassed and can't believe I actually write some of the crap I do!!!! But, I feel like blogging today and am a little punchy!!! So here it comes baby!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
OK, I'm continuing to write about my eating adventures from when I went to San Francisco a few weeks back!!!! Before I hopped on the plane to fly up to Oakland and take the BART over to Powell St., I went on to YouTube and watched the episode of No Reservations with Anthony Bourdaine where he went to San Francisco!!!!! In watching Bourdain tool around SF, some of the places he went were definetely off the beaten path and looked like places I would love to visit while up there!!!! When the SF episode had originally aired a few years back, I remember watching and taking notes of food dwellings I would visit the next time I was up that way!!! One of the places that I noted and had wanted to visit for quite some time was a liquor store in The Mission District called That's It Market!!!!! Yes, a liquor store!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Every now and then I'll drive by a liquor store and see that there's a deli inside or that they bake pizza's onsite, but there's something very unsanitary and grimy about eating food prepared inside of a liquor store in my opinion!!! I don't ever buy groceries at a liquor store, nor do even buy booze there!!!! Liquor Store's are very unkempt and filthy in my experience and the thought of consuming any product that is sold from one of these alcohol distributing establishments instantly makes me want to gag and dry heave!!!!!! Seriously!!!!! I think it has something to do with the clientele liquor stores tend to cater to!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But being that some SF food writer took Bourdain to That's It Market for his show, I figured I could bite the bullet due to the fact that this place might be an exception and put out some pretty dignified caloric goodness!!!!!
What was it that brought Anthony Bourdain to That's It Market in The Mission?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Something called the Cubana, which according to That's It Market is the largest torta in the world!!!!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! When I saw Bourdain on TV sitting at the counter, stuffing a Cubano into his face while sucking back a tallboy of Tecate, I knew that this was an experience that I had to live out for myself!!!!!!!!! Before I went down to The Mission District, I asked a bell hop at the hotel I was staying in if The Mission was a safe enough part of town!! He responded by telling me, "It's not that safe. If I were you, I would go down there with somebody. I wouldn't go alone." Hmmmmmmmmm this was going to be tricky!!!! I needed a Cubana and I couldn't talk anybody I was with to go down there with me!!!!!! If I had to risk getting jumped or mugged for all of my cash in the The Mission, then so be it!!!!! I don't care!!!!!! The Cubano was a sandwich I would walk through a g-damn war zone for just to be able to cross it off of my bucket list!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! When I hopped on the BART and made it down to The Mission and emerged from the underground tunnel, I didn't look to me like The Mission was a bad neighborhood at all!!!! Never at one point did I feel the least bit unsafe there!!! It's like Broadway in downtown LA, but a little nicer!!!! That bell-hop didn't know what he was talking about!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Anyway, when I came to That's It Market and walked inside, it was a typical trashy liquor store that I usually avoid with the bums loitering outside the front door, expired food sitting on the shelves, and a wide array of porn mags on display behind the counter!!!!! However, when I walked over to the grill on the right, the woman who was working it and cooking the beautiful looking sandwiches for the The Mission locals was incredibly friendly and welcoming!!!!!!!! I looked over their menu for a moment, but I knew what I came for and what I wanted!!!!!  The largest torta in the world, please: The Cubano!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! When I ordered my Cubana, the nice lady simply nodded her head!!! I then took a step back and just watched the magic happen on the grill!!!!! Beef, sausage, ham, pork leg, chorizo, hot dog, eggs, cheese, mayo, jalapeno, tomato, avacado, on a massive bun of bread!!!!!!!! I walked over to one of the coolers and grabbed my Tecate to have the exact same experience as Bourdain, but they told me I couldn't drink in the store. Bummer!! That's fine!
When my Cubana was finished and served to me on a plate, it was abslotely colossal!!! Like, one of the biggest sandwiches I have ever seen!!!!! And it was filled with such marvelous looking greasy fatty Mexican food beauty!!!!!!!!! I remember just before Bourdain took his first bite into his Cubana, he stated, "I'm going to hate myself later for this!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!! When I picked up my Cubana and looked at the cross section of it and saw all of the different high caloried greasy protein resting against the bread, I said the exact same thing as Bourdain, "I'm gonna hate myself later on!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! And though I may have hated myself later on, which I wll spare you the details of, I didn't hate myself at the moment that first bite of Cubana entered into my mouth and passed through my teeth!!!!!! In fact, I was loving myself and thrilled to death that I had made the decision to come to The Mission and eat lunch in a dirty sketchy looking liquor store!!!!!! This torta was staggeringly good!!!!!!!! All of the different pork and beef products combined with the mayo and avocado and bread made for one of the most unforgettable and lustrous eating experiences in my entire existence!!!!!! Holy God!!!!!!! Though in San Francisco there are countless eating options, the Cubana at That's It Market in The Mission is a place that is worth planning an entire vacation to San Francisco around!!!! Forget Alcatraz, forget Chinatown, forget Fisherman's Wharf, the Presidio, the Golden Gate or going across the Bay!!!!!! The complete focus of your vacation when you go to San Francisco should be That's it Market in The Mission!!!!! This torta will send you into a different reality and has the potential for your entire paradigm to completely shift!!!!! Why would that happen after eating this sandwich?!?!?!?!?! I don't know!!!!!!! But it's so good tasting, a whole new life experience and reality will be opened up to you like never before!!!! More than LSD, weed, or ecstasy could ever dream of doing!!!!!!!! Swear to God!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
When in SF, you absolutely have to eat the Cubana at That's It Market in The Mission!!!! You owe it to yourself and to the dignity of your family name to do so!!!!!!!!!! Sure, later on in the day you'll regret eating it, but in the long run, The Cubana will change your life for the better!!!! Thank you Anthony Bourdain for bringing this torta to our attention!!!! You have done more for humanity than any Nobel Peace Prize winner could ever do!!!!!!! Totally serious!!!!!!!!! Do this place and do it hard!!!!!!!!!!! Cubana!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

That's It Market on Urbanspoon

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Cafe Zoetrope: Smells Like.... Victory!!!!

Recently, I spent a long weekend up in San Francisco!!!!! I love San Francisco!!!!!! The vibe, the intellectual feel, the preserved history!!!!!! The Bay Area is truly a treasure here in the USA!!!! Upon walking the streets of North Beach, Union Square, the Mission,  the Financial District and Berkeley, I discovered that San Francisco is quite possibly one of the most astonishingly great eating cities in the entire world!!!!! For real!!!!!Every single street I walked down, there were numerous restaurants that looked as though they had so much character, like they had been around for years and had been through so much of the history that encapsulates everything that is San Francisco!!!!!! And that's not to mention that these restaurants were discharging some of the most succulent smelling food aroma's that I had ever encountered in my entire life!!!! Wow!!!!!! I mean, San Francisco!!!!!!!! What an incredible eating utopia!!!!!! Though it's known for its large population of red commie bastards, inordinant political correctness, and over the top socially conscious activists and hippies, San Francisco without a g-damn doubt puts out some of the most beautiful tasting, fat filled, over-indulgent comfort food that any one person on the entire planet earth could ever know!!!!!! ..... EVER!!!!!! I know in the past I have said the same thing about Chicago, but I feel a calling, as though Destiny is speaking directly to me, even as I type these words, to move to the Bay Area and do nothing but eat!!!!!!!! With all the amazing tasting food, and never ending restaurant selections, a mind and stomach like my own could have free reign and I could reach my full potential in life!!!! Simply stated, there would never be a purer joy experienced in life than becoming an expert on the San Francisco eating scene!!!! That term 'purer joy' ain't no exaggeration either!!!!! I completely and fully mean that!!!!!! There would be no purer joy than to sulk and bathe in the San Francisco eating scene for the rest of my g-damn days, sampling everything on each menu, writing food reviews, all the while gaining hundreds of pounds and getting drunk out of my mind!!!!! It's probably worth the health hazards!!!!!!!! I don't care!!!! Talk about making the most out of ones life, that's what life is all about right there, right?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! With that, the next number of reviews I blog, will all be Bay Area restaurants!!!!!!!! I mean going to as many restaurants as you can in just a few days and then overreating at each of them so as to write an honest and thoughtful review isn't that easy!!!!!!!! I seriously must've gained about 10 pounds while in SF and for the past few days have been emitting some of the most toxic gas from my ass that I ever have!!!!!! It smells like a g-damn skunk died in my bedroom!!!! My body is freaking out with all of this food that was stuffed into my stomach day after day while up there!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! 
So, I went up to San Francisco because I have some family up that way, and I needed to get away from my bickering and bitter wife for a few days!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Note to all of you single people out there who have never been married but would like to some day: The person you marry on your wedding day, will not be the same person five years later!!! And that goes for both people involved!!!!!! Be ready to make adjustments, be willing to compromise, apologize frequently (mainly if your the man), and wake up each morning and make the decision to commit to your spouse and to love them!!!!! I believe it was Stephen Stills who said it best: "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one your with!" Stephen Stills is absolutely correct!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, upon getting off of the plane the first place I was taken while in San Francisco was a place called Cafe Zoetrope in the Nob Hill neighborhood!!!!!! Cafe Zoetrope is located in an amazing looking greenish colored building which I was told was one of the few structures that was around during the great San Francisco quake of 1906 which didn't collapse!!!!!!!! Plus, I have seen this building many times in pictures and postcards, but had no idea that it was Cafe Zoetrope!!!!!!! Also, the building, and Cafe Zoetrope itself is owned by acclaimed movie director, Francis Ford Coppola!!!!!! Cool!!!! Upon walking in to Cafe Zoetrope there are many pictures on the wall of famous scenes and actors from Coppola's films, plus there are pictures of Coppola with Spielberg, Scorcese, and George Lucas just to name a few!!!!! One guy who I struck up a converstaion with at the bar, which happened to be pouring none other than Francis Ford Coppola Zinfandel and Chardonnay, told me that it was in this very building that The Godfather was edited by Coppola and that Lucas conceived Star Wars!!!!! Wow!!!!! What a place of cinematic significance!!!!!! I had no idea I was walking into living history!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
OK, on to the food!!!!!!! First off, I gotta say that I'm not used to eating food that is this finely prepared and carries the sophistication of flavors that the Italian fare Cafe Zoetrope does!!!!!! Hell, I just ate five burgers from Red Robin a few weeks back for Christ's sake!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But all of this Italian food was amazing and unforgettable!!!!! The first thing they brought out to us was a Caesar Salad along with a salad of romaine lettuce and shrimp!!!!!! The sweet vinegar based dressing as well as the freshness of the produce and shrimp were absolutely divine!!!! I'm not a salad guy and seek to avoid it at all costs, but this salad was surreal tasting!!!!!! Excellent flavors!!! Next, they brought out these green beans with hazelnuts shaved over them!!!! Again, I don't like to eat things that are green, unless it's jalapeno's on pizza or lettuce on burgers, but these green beans were so phenomenal tasting as they entered into my mouth and met my palette!!!! I went back to the family style bowl these beans were served in and kept shoveling scoop after scoop and put it on to my plate!!!!!!! I mean, I couldn't stop eating these green beans!!!! So flavorful and such good balance between the salty beans and sweet hazelnuts!!!!! After the beans, they brought us out some of their pizza!!!!! Lets just say that this isn't your typical neighborhood pizzeria!!!!! This dough, sauce and cheese was honestly of some of the highest quality I have ever eaten in all of my years of living!!!!! I could've disposed of this pizza into my mouth all g-damn night and never ever have gotten full!!!!!! The flavors were that good!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Next out was this spinach pie as well as a mushroom and cheese pie!!!! Good God!!!!! Everything about these pies caused me to question every decision I have ever made in life from the college major I chose to the career choice I made!!!! Maybe I should have pursued a job that payed me more money, that I might have been unhappy in, but could have then afforded to eat food that is of a higher caliber and has more complexity in flavors than what I grew up on and am used to!!!!!!!! It might be worth it to do something for a living you hate and are miserable with for the rest of your life so as to be able to afford fine tasting food!!!!!!!!! It's a good tradeoff!!!! I really am coming to believe that!!!! Food is that important and life fulfilling!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Wow!!!!! The crust on these pies were so tender, and the spinach, and mushrooms and cheese were so savory I might've believed that at that moment I had reached the pinnacle of human existence!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Following these pies, the waiters plopped down on our table this chicken with green olives that was one of the most succulent, moist, and flavorful pieces of meat I have ever sampled in my life!!!!!!!!!! Holy God, this chicken fell off the bone the exact moment it touched my lips!!!!!!!!!! It was that tender and good!!!!!! As my stomach started to fill up and as I started to feel like that guy at the beginning of the movie Se7en who eats himself to death, they capped off our meal by giving us this huge bowl of pasta with pesto sauce as well as a huge bowl of a sausage and fennel pasta that was so g-damn gratifying to eat, that I began to believe that Coppola had made a good decision in making The Godfather Part 3!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! That movie was so bad, but after eating this pasta, it probably should've won the Academy Award for best picture!!!!! Not even joking!!!!! Not even joking!!!!!!! The food and Cafe Zoetrope has the power and ability to change your long held reasonable opinions on film!!!!!!!! Godfather 3 was a masterpiece!!!!!!!! A masterpiece I say!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Needless to say, the food at Cafe Zoetrope was spectacular!!!!!!! Coppola is a genius, not only as a film and wine maker, but as the owner of this substinence providing Italian eatery in Nob Hill!!!!!!! When in Nob Hill, do this place!!!! Don't hold back!!!!! Hell, maybe you'll see Coppola in their as there's a private booth in the corner that is his, and which he comes in to eat at and write!!!!!! Be sure to overreat and get drunk off of Coppola's wine!!!!!! That's how you do it right there!!!!!!!! I love Cafe Zoetrope and give it a resounding thumbs up!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Charlie don't surf!!!!!!!!

Cafe Zoetrope on Urbanspoon

Monday, September 10, 2012

Stout Burgers & Beers: Heaven on Earth!!!!!

A few years back I came across a book called The Game by Rolling Stone journalist Neil Strauss!!!! In The Game, Strauss chronicles how he transformed himself from a nerdy, insecure reject, into a confident sauve pick-up artist able to hook up with any woman he desired!!!! He learned his 'game' from a a master pick-up artist by the name of Mystery who was the host of that show on VH-1 a few years back called The Pick-Up Artist!!!!! Is what Neil Strauss writes in his book for real?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean, is some of it exaggerated?!?!?!?!?!?! At first I thought so, but after talking to some people and doing some of my own research on YouTube, I think everything Strauss wrote in his book is accurate and true!!!!!!!! Talk about the Holy Grail of life!!!!! Having routines down, the confidence, and gambits to help in picking up even the hottest of women is honestly like a dream or fantasy coming to reality!!!!!!! Soon, I will be single and have made a vow that I will never ever get married again and devote myself to becoming like Neil Strauss and Mystery, picking up women in everyday life!!!!!!!!!  Plus, my true love in life is food and beer!!!!!! No woman could ever come remotely close to giving me the feeling that good food and strong beer gives me!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Don't worry, I would never do anything dishonest or disrespectful to women, but to be able to attract just about any woman is the most significant gift any one person can have in this life!!!!!! It's like having a g-damn superpower like the Flash or the Green Lantern!!!!!!!! But I would choose Strauss's ability or superpower over any super-hero's power in either Marvel or the DC comics!!!!!!!! And this power that Strauss has isn't a fantasy, it's real!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Why am I talking about this?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, recently I drove a friend up to LAX and instead of dealing with traffic on the 405, I decided to spend a few hours up in Hollywood and take a Neil Strauss reality tour!!!!! Hell, I've lived in Southern California my entire life and have spent hardly any time in Hollywood!!!!! So, I became a tourist for an afternoon and walked around to see the sights of Hollywood!!!! The Kodak Theater, Mann's Chinese Theater, Chateau Marmont, The Sunset Strip, The Scientology building (even though they kicked me out), and the Roosevelt Hotel!!!! Finally I was able to take some time and visit these places!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Though, Stout Burgers & Beers has nothing to do with Neil Strauss or The Game, I have been learning that quite possibly the greatest burgers in all of the USA exist in none other than Los Angeles!!!!!!! Chicago and New York have their hot dogs and pizza, Philadelphia has their cheesesteaks, Texas has their barbecue, San Francisco and Boston have their clam chowder, and oh yes indeed, Los Angeles has their burgers!!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! And being that Hollywood is the stomping ground of Strauss and home to many chic bars and clubs where Mystery and Strauss would run their game, it reminded me of him when I decided to turn right on Cahuenga and sample the fine beef product that reside at Stout Burgers & Beers!!!!!
When I parked my car and began walking down Cahuenga, I was struck by all the weirdo's walking around!!!! And I'm not talking about the drug addicts and cross dressers everywhere I looked!!!! But I'm talking about the goth, emo's,  wannabe actors and gay people with small town values who come to Hollywood because the town they are from in the South or Midwest wouldn't accept them!!!!!!! Hey, that's cool!!!! You've got to do what you've gotta do, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Anyway, when I walked up to Stout Burgers & Beers, I was initially struck by the awesome layout!!!! They have these very large glass doors that can open, so though you're inside it kind of feels like your outside!!!!! Also, the bar has this wood pannelling which makes for a rustic looking design that is totally bitchin' looking!!!!!! Their sign on the outside says they're open until 4am which means when the clubs close at 2am, the Neil Strauss and Mystery wannabe's can come to Stout and run their game in hopes of picking up some skanky, inebriated chick from Texas who's willing to experiment with the Godless values that make up Hollywood, California!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha!!! Although losing one's innocence isn't that funny!!!!!!
OK, so Stout Burgers & Beers prides themselves on their fine tasting burgers as well as pairing their ground beef sandwiches with a finely hand-crafted beer!!!!! Hey, craft beer and burgers!!!!!! Is there anything better?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?! I think not!!!!! This place was perfect for me!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I wasn't sure what to order so I went with a Stout Burger which has on it blue cheese, roasted tomatoes, rosemary bacon, caramelized onions, and emi gruyere (whatever the hell that is), as well as an order of their fries!!!! Oh, and at Stout Burgers & Beers you must pair your burger with a craft beer!!!!!! I mean, you don't have to, but it's all part of getting the most out your experience there!!!!!!!! They have a wonderful selection of craft beer and their selection of craft beers tells you that they know what the hell they'd doing and talking about when it comes to pairing your burger with a good craft brew!!!!!!!! I went for a Mama's Little Yellow Pilsner brewed by Oskar Blues and it is a fabulous tasting beer!!!!! It was 11am when I ordered this beer too, but again, when at Stout, you've got to have beer!!!!!!! I hardly ever do it, but beer in the morning is brilliant, just brilliant I say!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
When the hip tatooed guy working the bar brought out my burger and fries it looked like a g-damn work of art!!!!!!! It looked beautiful and I was hesitant to dig in as I didn't want to ruin what looked to be a dazzling food sculpture!!!!! It would've been like vandalizing the statue of David in Rome!!!!!! But I had to do it!!!!!!!!!! I had to!! The Stout Burger just looked and smelled way too damn good!!!!!!!!! But before I would gorge on this burg, I decided to sample their fries!!!!!! The fries came out in what seemed like a cereal bowl and they were sprinkled with a rosemary seasoning!!!!!!!! Let me just say that these fries were amazing as I ingested them into my system!!!!!!! As I chewed and swallowed it brought back memories of a girl I had a short fling with in college!!!!! As we would make love she would tell me that I was "amazing!" And as I ate these deep fried rosemary potato slices, I just kept thinking of her telling me I was "amazing" because these fries were amazing to me!!!!!! I know I know, a gentleman never tells, and I'm not giving out any details!!!!! But these fries were orgasmic!!!!! Not even joking!!!!! Not even joking!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
After I had a good sampling of fries, and after I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette, I walked back inside and tackled the Stout Burger!!!!!! OK, in my opinion I have experienced some of the finest burgers in the world!!!!! Cherry Cricket in Denver, Burger Bar in Las Vegas, Slaters 50/50 in Anaheim, but honestly, this might be the single greatest burger I have ever had!!!!!!!! Not saying that it absolutely is, but it is right up there!!!!!!! Whatever part of the cow they used and whatever seasoning they used on the beef, and whatever  horseradish, bacon, and blue-cheese they used to make this burger, made it hands down one of the most profound eating experiences of my entire life!!!!!!!! With each bite I took, beef juice and horseradish would slop down on to my plate which caused me to smear my burger into my plate before moving on to another bite!!!!!! Like the short fling I had in college with that girl, I didn't want my time at Stout Burgers and Beers to end!!!!! This was hands down one of the most fulfilling and satisfying moments of my life!!!!! Not the day I graduated from college or the night when I was in love with my wife and proposed to her, could compare to the feeling of absolute completion and contentment that I felt while eating the Stout Burger at Stout Burgers & Beers in Hollywood!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!! I have never in my life experienced a culinary creation like the Stout Burger nor do I believe I ever will again!!!!!!! Am I overreacting?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Do I sound insane?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, if you were to experience the food at Stout Burgers & Beers you would know what the hell I'm talking about!!!! Hollywood is about a 90 minute drive for me, but you know what?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I would get in my car and blow a half a tank of gas and the entirety of my day just to devour a burger, fries, and beer from Stout!!!!!!! I believe it was Belinda Carlyle or Debbie Gibson who sang that song that went "ooooohhhhhhh Heaven is a place on earth!" Remember that song?!?!?!?!?! Well, no doubt she absolutely had to have been referring to Stout Burgers & Beers because this place is Heaven on Earth!!!!!! If you come here, you will feel no pain, you will cry no tears, you will experience no war or injustice because at Stout Burgers and Beers, all is right with the world!!!!! That's the power of the burgers and fries at Stout Burges & Beers!!!!! That the power of it!!!!!! The Fountain of Youth, A Genie Bottle with three wishes, being able to pick-up any woman you want like Neil Strauss, and.... Stout Burgers and Beers!!!! Yes yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whenever in Hollywood, do this place!!!!!!! But beware, you will never experience anything better!!!! Never ever!!!!! I love you Stout Burger!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahaahahahahahaahahaha!!!!


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Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Islands Fine Burgers & Drinks: Island Style, Brah!!!!

For whatever reason, I've been on a real corporate restaurant kick lately!!!! I usually don't go corporate with my eating, but recently I've had a rebirth of sorts when it comes to my appreciation of multi-location chain eateries!!!! "You are witnesses of the re-birth of Spinal Tap!!!! Hope you enjoy our new direction!!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Has anybody seen that movie?!?!?!?!?!?! Come at me if you have!!!!!!! So classic!!!!!!!!
So, I had a day off recently and just needed some time away to be by myself and eat a lot of food and drink a lot of beer!!!! I mean, what else do you do if you have a day off from work and nothing to do?!?!?!?!?! You overeat and get drunk, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
With my recent infatuation with corporate burger places, there is an Islands on Tustin Ave. that I drive by all the time but have never actually been to!!!! I've been to the Islands in Irvine when I worked close by there a few years back and I used to meet some friends at the Islands in Laguna Hills a long long time ago, but that one has since closed down!!!
Anyway, with a day to kill and with the need to stuff my mouth full of greasy nourishment and multiple malted hops beverages, my plan was to hit Islands on Tustin Ave. just as happy hour was starting so I could get beer and appetizers on the cheap and experience fulfillment, satisfaction, and euphoria that nothing else in this life can bring!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
But, happy hour doesn't start until 4pm at Islands, so I had some time to waste!!!!! What to do?!?!?!?!?!?!?! How about going into the air conditioned dollar theater at the Main Place Mall?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Does that make me weird?!?!?!?!?!?! Going to the movies in the middle of the day all by myself?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Whatever, I don't care!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! OK, so this is why I hate going to the movies!!! When I walked into the the theater, it was practically empty!!!! Great, I've got the whole theater to myself so I can enjoy the film with no distractions!!!! But just as the lights were going down, some douche bag walks into the theater and sits down directly in front of me!!!!!! Dude, we're sitting in an empty g-damn theater full of many good seats and you have to sit down right in front of me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Dammit that was annoying!!!!!! And on top of that the guy kept taking out his cell phone and checking his e-mails and text messages during the movie!!!!!! Note to movie-goers: When you take your cell phone out and start playing with it in a dark theater in the middle of a movie, it's a massive distraction for those sitting behind you and beside you!!!!!!! There are people in the world who exist other than you!!!!!!!! What the hell is with people and their lack of common courtesy?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Eventually, I got up and moved to a different part of the theater!!!!!! But let me just say that I am not a proponent of government sanctioned killings!!!!!! However, if you bring a screaming baby into a movie theater, if you talk during a movie, or if you take out your cell phone to text or take a call in the middle of a movie, you effing deserve the death penalty!!!!!!!!!!! If you do any of those things, our government should take you out into the middle of the street and shoot you in a firing line for all the public to see!!!!!! Old school public execution style!!!!! I swear to Christ I'm not exaggerating and would wholeheartedly support legislation to punish rude a-holes who lack common courtesy and fail to acknowledge the existence of others at movie theaters!!!!!!!!! Shesus that's irritating!!!!!!!
OK, sorry for the negativity!!!!! When the movie was over it was 4pm and it was the happiest hour of the day at Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks!!!!!!!!!! Hhhhhhhuuuuuuuyyyyyyeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I walked in to Islands and took a seat at the bar!!!!! The first thing I noticed about Islands is that they have a fantastic atmosphere!!!!! The whole place is decorated Island style and has the feel of a beach bar, like you're walking up from the sand after a long surfing session and need to throw back a few beers!!!!!!!!! Also, the way they configure their TV's in the bar is great!!!!! They have 3 large flat screen TV's all right next to each other in a U-shape that follows the pattern of the bar, so whatever part of the U-shaped bar you are sitting on, you have a large flat screen right in front of you so it's ideal for watching sports while sucking back beer and food!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! After my bad experience at the theater earlier, I desparately needed some high powered endorphins to flow through my brain to cheer me up and help me forget about what had just happened!!!!! And what better way to do that than by eating and drinking a tremendous amount of food and beer!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
My first order of business: Beer!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahaha!!!! It was hot and muggy and a lighter tasting ice-cold lager sounded brilliant!!!!! The beer of choice for the day was an Islands Golden Lager!!!! This was a medium bodied pale lager with some hints of fruit!!!!! This beer was ice-cold and was so good tasting!!!!! The bartender mentioned to me that Karl Strauss does the brewing of Islands beers!!!!!! Such a good beer and I will return to Islands just to drink that golden colored lager!!!!!! So with a pint of beer in my empty belly, the alcohol was making me dizzy and my stomach started to shake like a 7.9 magnitude earthquake in the Phillipines!!!!!!! Hey, God bless the people of the Phillipines!! Our thoughts and prayers are with you!!!!!
To satisfy my booze induced hunger, I started off with Spinach Artichoke Dip, Beachside Sliders, and Tiki Tenders which are chicken strips!!!!!! All of these appetizers were nothing short of amazing!!!! The Spinach Artichoke Dip was hot, moist, and rich and had the ability to make me understand why Tweekers have difficulty getting clean!!!! When something makes you feel that good and brings that much pleasure to your body, you don't ever ever want to let it go!!!!!! This Spinach Artichoke Dip was so good that I am now a sympathizer of drug addicts!!!!!!! Wow!!!!! I know why you guys cant stop using!!!!!! I get it!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahashahaha!!!! Though drug addiction is no laughing matter...
Next were the Beachside Sliders!!!!! OK, no joke, maybe the best sliders I have ever had... EVER!!!!!!! Unbelievable!!!!! The buns on these things were toasted to perfection and the carmelized onions as well as the melted cheese and beef doused in ketchup made me want to curl up in a little ball and never ever leave Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! To finish off my appetizer time, were the Tiki Tenders!!!!! These were fine!!! Nothing special, but good nonetheless!!!!! They had a nice crispiness and spice to them which made them go great with the beer!!!!
After appetizers I was ready for the main course, or should I say main courses!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
Islands is known for their burgers, so, I went with three burgers off of their menu!!!!!!! I would've had more but I had three pretty hearty appetizers!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! The burgers I went with were the Kilauea Burger, Hula Burger, and the Bluenami!!!! Just before I placed my order of three burgers the nice lady behind the bar thought I was going to leave as she was getting my check ready, but NO!!!!! I was only getting started!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! When I asked her for those three burgs, she just kind of looked at me with a blank stare for a few moments and then said, "OK." The first burg I had was the Kilauea!!!! This had on it jalapeno's, pepper jack cheese, and a spicy chipotle mayo along with lettuce tomato and onions!!!! The Kilauea is a phenomenal burger!!! It was pretty damn spicy though, I'm not going to lie!!!!! Very juicy and full of flavor!!!! An excellent burg!!!! Second was the Hula Burger!!!! The Hula had on it mushrooms, swiss, lettuce and tomato's!!!!! This was probably my favorite burger at Islands!!! When I took that first bite into the Hula, the flavors that met my tongue were so pleasing that I proceeded to devour this burger like a pelican sitting on the rail at Huntington Beach Pier devours a fish!!!!!! Like, they just put the fish in their long beaks and swallow the damn thing whole!!!!!! That was me eating the Hula!!!!! It was so g-damn good that I finished it off in like three bites!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! At this point in my meal, I started to hit the dreaded food wall and was worried that I wouldn't be able to finish off the last burger of the day, the Bluenami!!!!! I needed an injection of Ghrelin into my system to complete my Islands experience!!!!! More Ghrelin!!!!! More Ghrelin I say!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! For the Bluenami, I was going to have to push through the pain, but in the end it would prove to be well worth it!!!!!!!! The Bluenami had on it Blue Cheese as well as lettuce, tomato, and onion!!! Again, this was a fabulous burger!!!! The meat was so juicy and tender and to combine that with the blue cheese on it made pushing myself to finish this meal a painless conclusion to my journey!!!!!!! When I had polished off the last bite of the Bluenami and pushed the empty basket away from me, the bartender came over to me with a look of disbelief on her face and said, "I've never seen anybody eat that much food before!" YEAH!!!!!!!! Success!!!!!! She then nervously asked me, "Do you want anything else?"
"Well, being that you've asked," I said, "How about a chocolate milkshake to wash it all down!"
"Wow!" she exclaimed! "I've never seen anybody consume so much in one sitting!!"
"Thank you," I replied... Why the hell do the last five sentences of this review read like a book?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Anyway, the real end of the journey was capped off with an Islands Chocolate Shake!!!! This shake was so rich and so creamy that it's not even fair!!! Is there any justice in the world?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! No!!!!!! After slurping up this shake, I thought to myself, "It's not fair!!!!!! This is so g-damn good that it isn't even fair!!!!!! Not even!!!!!!" Quite possibly the best milkshake I have ever had in all my time here on planet earth!!!!! Wow!!!!! Oh, and the fries are OK... Not the best I've ever had but OK.
In conclusion, I would wholeheartedly recommend Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks!!!! The saying 'all things in moderation' does not seem to apply to me!!!! I've yet to experience the benefits of moderation!!!! Or subconsciously, I just don't believe in moderation!!!! We'll go with the latter!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! When it comes to Islands Fine Burgers and Drinks, Chris Farley said it best in the movie Black Sheep when he was stoned on the stage with Mudhoney when he screamed, "You've got yourself some kick as* sh*t!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Eat hard, or don't eat at all!!!!!! I love you Islands!!!!!!!

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