Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Far East Cafe: Biiiiiiiiiig Trouble.... In Little China!!!!!

I've never been a huge fan of Chinese food!!!! I mean, it's OK but I've never really liked it all that much!!! Hell, I'll eat the stuff, but I will never voluntarily seek out Chinese food when I'm starving and looking to load my gut up with savory food to release those damned endorphins like nobody's business!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I don't know, there's just something about the spices and sauces of Chinese food that I just don't care for that much!!!! And I'm going to tell you something, I don't really want to review Far East Cafe!!!!! I don't want to review any Chinese food restaurant to be perfectly honest with you!!!!!! But, I ate here when I was in San Francisco's Chinatown and for some reason feel obligated to review this place!!!!!! In full disclosure, there are a lot of Orange County restaurants that have brought about ridiculous thoughts and unbridled passion in me that I cannot wait to post on this blog!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But I haven't allowed myself to do it because I told myself that I would write a review of Far East Cafe in San Francisco, wrapping up my Bay Area eating adventure, before I did anything else!!!!! So here we are!!!!!! Just looking to get this out of the way, but at the same time I want to write something good!!!!!
First off, quite possibly one of the greatest movies in the history of documented society is a movie called, Big Trouble in Little China!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But I'm kinda serious!!!!!! Remeber that movie with Kurt Russell and some other obscure actors from the 80's that nobody remembers?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! OK, this is maybe my favorite line from BTILC, "This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there." And you know what?!?!?!?!?!?! I identify with Jack Burton, driver of the Pork Chop Express!!!! Being that I don't like Chinese food and feel obligated for some reason to review Far East Cafe, I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Anyway, as I was in San Francisco, walking around to see the sites and take in the city, I came upon Chinatown and thought to myself, "This is where Wah Ching rolled in the 60's and did some damage!!!! And after harrassing tourists and stealing their wallets, they had to have been hungry and, hey, maybe they went to Far East Cafe to grab some cuisine from their homeland!!!!!!!!! Maybe Wah Ching did!!!!!! Who's to say they didn't?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Who?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! A number of stolen credit cards had to have been used at this eating establishment over the years!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
OK, so as we were walking around Chinatown, we came across Far East Cafe and somebody we were with said they've been eating here for years!!!!! And I'm going to be honest with you, eating Chinese food in Chinatown was kind of appealing!!! I mean, you aren't gonna get no Mandarin Chicken from Panda Express in Chinatown, but rather you're going to get the real deal eating in Chinatown!!!!!! Maybe the closest to real Chinese food outside of China!!!!!! Oh, and you know what I just remembered right at this moment?!?!?!?!?!?! Bruce Lee lived in San Francisco!!!!!!!!!! Maybe he ate at Far East Cafe!!!!!!!!! Hell, maybe the rice from Far East Cafe fueled Bruce Lee during the filming of Enter the Dragon!!!!!!!! Although I think it was filmed in Hong Kong!!!!! But I can dream, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!I loved Enter the Dragon!!!!!!!! I loved that movie!!!!!!! "Fear, not anger!!!!!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
OK, so on to the food at Far East Cafe!!! Like I said, I don't know much about Chinese food!!!! I don't even know what a lot of the stuff we ordered was called, but it was good!!!! I have no complaints about this food!!!! If you like Chinese and you're tooling around Chinatown in San Francisco, walking in the footsteps of Wah Ching, why not come to Far East Cafe and eat some Chinese food?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Why not?!?!?!?!?!?! From what I could gather, the food here is good and would rival anyplace in all of Chinatown!!!! Take a look at the pictures below and judge for yourself!!!!! In the immortal words of Jack Burton, "Okay. You people sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we're not back by dawn... call the president." I don't even know what that means or how it's relevant to this review, but I love that movie!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! OK, I'm done!!!!!!!!! 

Far East Cafe on Urbanspoon

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Fat Slice Pizza: Unparalleled Fodder!!!!!

You know, I truly and utterly believe that I have found the meaning of life!!!! I believe I have!!!!! At least I've found what it is for me!!!!! And it doesn't have anything to do with what cooky fundamentalist Christians, earthy mystics who dance around a fire pit at 1am gazing at stars, or what mentally exhausted nihilists have to say about what the principles are which will guide one into alignment with the highest existential experience of bipedal homo-sapiens!!!!!!!! What is the meaning of life you might ask?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, if you've read past blog posts of mine then you actually might know what the meaning of life is, according to me!!!!! Not the Ancient Greeks, Stoics, Epicureans, Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Animists, nor smelly Berkeley girls who haven't shaved their armpits, used deodorant, or changed their clothes for weeks know what the meaning of life is!!!!!!! They have no idea!!!!!! And what is the answer to this hotly debated and deeply thought out question since the dawn of man you might ask?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I say it's this: Eating a lot of really good tasting food, then getting drunk off of either craft beer, wine, or powerful cocktails!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I laugh, but you know what?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I believe that statement!!!!!! And in this postmodern world we live in today, who's to say I'm wrong?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Then again, who am I to say that anybody else is wrong?!?!?!?!?! It's all relative, right?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But you know what, look at the header of my blog!!! The verse from the book of Ecclesiastes pretty much is in agreement to what my answer is to the meaning of life!!!!! Eat good food and drink good drink!!!!! Hey, maybe the Christians and Jews do have the answer to the meaning of life!!!! And I guess the Epicureans were on to something too!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! I mean, there's just something about how when good food touches my lips and engages with the taste buds that just causes the priorities of my life to completely change!!!!!! Instead of wanting to connect with people and do a good turn daily, I'd rather just seek out the next intoxicating bite of cuisine that will cause me to go halfway insane, as well as carve out a good portion of my day to drink fine tasting booze with whatever that fine fodder is that swirls through my mouth!!!!!!!! Gotta leave some time to recover from my hangover, you know?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! And that's why I'll never ever get married or have children!!!!!!! NEVER!!!!!! Overeating and getting drunk is just too damned important when it comes to living a joyful and fulfilling life!!!!! Hey, and if you have kids and get married, you can no longer stuff your face with salty food and over imbibe on alcohol with the regularity or frequency that deep down every single human soul years for!!!!!! If you have kids and a wife you've got to share your time and money with them, and it's not cool watching your parents get hammered on the couch or at the dinner table every night!!! Believe me, I know!!!!! I wouldn't want to subject anybody to that!!!!! But, I really do feel like I have discovered the joy of this life and it's so simple, yet so beautiful!!!!!! One more time, what is the meaning of life?!?!?! It's good food and alcohol!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
OK, so over the summer I was watching women's water polo during the Olympics and I became a big admirer of female water polo players!!!! Those broad shoulders, tight Speedo swimsuits, and the physicality of those girls splashing around in the pool was so completely hot!!!!!! With that, I sent a tweet to one of the players on the USA women's water polo team for fun, and you know what?!?!?! She responded to me!!!!! After that I went to her Wikipedia page and saw that she went to school at UC Berkeley!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Don't worry, I'm not an creeper!!!!!! But being that I was going to be in Berkeley, or at least near it, I sent her a tweet a few weeks later asking her for food recommendations near the campus in Berkeley!!!!! And she responded to me again!!!!!! How cool is that!?!?!?!?! She told me that Fat Slice Pizza on Telegraph was a go to when in Berkeley!!!!! Hey, other than Top Dog and Zachary's, I don't really know anything about the food scene in Berkeley!!!!!!! So getting a recommendation, especially from a bona fide US Olympic gold medalist, who happens to be pretty damned cute and went to school at Berkeley, was something I absolutely needed to follow up with!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! So I hopped on to the BART, got off on University in downtown Berkeley and walked up to Fat Slice to do some damage!!!!!!! It was like 11am when I walked through the doors and they were just pulling some freshly baked pies out of the ovens!!!!! Holy God!!! The smell of that freshly baked dough, fresh cheese, sauce, and spicy pepperoni just as it was coming out of the oven, smelled better than a bottle of Febreeze probably did to those people who've been stuck cruising on the Triumph for the past week!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! When I walked up to the counter, I wanted the full gamut of this mass of salty Italian pastry!!!!!!! With that, I think that maybe I've become a bit more refined when it comes to my pizza tasting!!!!! I've learned that a good pizza is in the sauce, crust, and cheese!!!! Whereas the toppings are important, it's all about the sauce, crust, and cheese!!!!!!! So, I just went with straight up cheese and straight up pepperoni, 2 slices each!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! When they gave me my slices I found a seat in the back room and there were a couple of homeless dudes grinding down slices of Fat Slice too!!!! Hey, if you're using the dope or booze money you panhandled for for hours to spend on this pie, you know it's special, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! 
When I picked up my first slice of pizza, it was so light and fluffy, yet it had a good denseness to it!!!! When the tip of that triangular shaped Italian plunder entered my mouth, the combination of that grease, cheese, sauce and bread was some of the most unparalleled tasting fodder I have ever experienced!!!!! Their cheese was so milky and gooey I swear to God I think they may have had a cow farm out back and the milk in their cheese came straight from the cow's udder like 10 minutes earlier!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Oh my God this pizza was heavenly and I absolutely fell in love with it!!!!!! Also, I started to develop feelings for the water polo player I had been tweeting, even though we've never met!!!!!! For her to recommend such a wonderful tasting pizza slice, speaks volumes to the beauty of her soul!!!!!!!! But she's an Olympic gold medalist!!!!! She would never go out with me, would she?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Now I'm sad!!!!!! But wait, relationships aren't the meaning of life, it's food and beer!!!!! I can just stuff my face and get drunk and the thought of being in a relationship will leave me immediately!!!!! What was I thinking?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Fat Slice Pizza is awesome pie!!!!! The Cal Berkeley frat guys and sorority girls have it made with fat slice as I'm sure this pizza hits the spot after a long night of slamming Nasty Light and Milwaukee's Beast!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Hey, when in Berkeley do this place!!!! It rivals some other place called Blondies, but don't bother going there!!!!! This pizza has everything you look for in a good pie!!!!!! Do this place and do it hard!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I love you Fat Slice!!!!

Fat Slice Pizza on Urbanspoon

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Red's Java House: A Nice Place to Destroy Your Workout!!!!!

I love Anthony Bourdain!!!! He hands down has the greatest job in the history of the civilized world!!!!! I mean, who in the hell else gets to travel first class all around the world, overeat every single day of the week, get sloshed on many varietals of booze each night and then write about it!!!!!!!! Oh wait, if you're a professional baseball player I guess each of those things kind of sums of your life too, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!??!?!?!?!? Oh my God what a wonderful existence Bourdain and professional baseball players have!!!!! I hear baseball players get an all you can eat buffet in the clubhouse after each game with high quality food!!!!!! Plus they get like a $100 food stipend each day!!!!! Making it to the big leagues really is a dream come true!!!!!!!! Screw the money!!!! Forget the skanky groupies!!!!! Who cares about the glory of the roaring crowd chanting your name!!!!!!! But being able to eat that much good food on a regular basis is the true dream and the real reward of years of hard work in making it to the big leagues!!!!!!!! That's a fact!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! So anyway, I saw on No Reservations that when Bourdain was in San Francisco, he ate at a historic looking burger shanty right underneath the Bay Bridge on the San Francisco Bay Trail called Red's Java House!!!! Apparently Red's Java House has been in business for over 100 years and has served the long shore men, dock workers, junkies, and drunk cyclists for breakfast and lunch for the past century!!!!!! Celebrities have been frequenting Red's for years as well as there are myriad photos on the wall of all kinds of famous people who came to this historic eatery to stuff their faces with Reds' runny eggs and greasy burgers!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! This is a destination spot for sure!!!!! But to be honest with you, the only reason I came to Red's was to continue to follow in the footsteps of Bourdain and eat as he ate and get drunk as he got drunk in San Francisco!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
I think it was a Sunday afternoon when I walked in to Red's!!!!! As soon as you walk in, Red's has this old school vintage feel to it with a 40's or 50's decore!!!!!! You get the sense that very little has changed at Red's over the past century!!!!!!! But when you walk out back, there's a bar and patio where you can dine while outside and get your drink on while getting multiple whiffs of rotting fish and the petroleum infested waters of the San Francisco Bay!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Anyway, when I walked up to the counter at Red's to place my order, I just went old school and ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and beer!!!!! I had stuffed my mouth full of sausages at the Ferry Building Market just before I came to Red's so I wasn't feeling the hunger like I had hoped!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I took my number and found a seat by the bar where there was this busted, fuzzy pictured TV set with big black vertical line running through the picture!!!!!! As I was sitting at my table, sipping my beer, I noticed that the bar in the back of Red's was filled with tight short cyclists who probably just did like 25 miles through the hills of San Fran.!!!!!!! My thought was, "aren't you completely ruining your workout and all the calories you just burnt by doing shots of Jaeger and slamming burgers after your ride?!?!?!?!?!?!" But whatever!!!!! I guess you can justify anything you eat after a long ride if you're trying to keep up your girlish figure in check!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!
OK, so the food at Red's was average... Not bad, but not great. The burger and fries were pretty standard. Also, the bun is like a baguette and it's very hard and dry, which is a bad combination to have, especially for sex.... Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! OK OK, I'll clean it up!!!!! My point is, the burger was kind of difficult to eat with the bun being the way it was!!!!! However, the view of the Bay Bridge on the back patio is pretty amazing!!!! And, given the history of Red's Java House, its definitely a place one should visit while in the Bay Area!!!!! Oh, and if you wanted to booze with a bunch of drunk cyclists, then this is your place!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Do this place for sure!!!!!! Mad love, Reds!!!!! Mad love!!!!!!!!

Red's Java House on Urbanspoon

Monday, December 17, 2012

Taqueria La Cumbre: The Power to Change Society!!!!

It's been awhile since I've reviewed, but I'm back baby!!!!! Been busy and surprisingly sane for the past few months which has made it difficult to blog!!!! But here I am!!!!! I'm not gone!!!! I'm here!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! OK, so there's something I've discovered that is simply glorious!!!!!! A few weeks ago, my allergies flared up and I started taking antihistamines!!!!! On the back of the box it stated that taking antihistamines may increase your appetite!!!!! Hhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! I popped those little tablets into my mouth, and after a little bit of waiting, my stomach started to growl and my appetite became so significantly large, it would have made John Holmes jealous!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I don't even know what that last sentence means!!!!! Also, somebody told me recently that Paxil and other anti-depressant medication will increase ones cravings for carbohydrates!!!!!!! So what did I do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!? I made an appoitment with my doctor and told him I was feeling down and needed some Paxil!!!!!!!! Hey, with the cloudy weather and rain, it leaves me feeling blue, so my request to my doctor was completely and utterly legitimate!!!!! Completely and utterly!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! I've found that mixing antihistamines and anti-depressants makes you starving to death for like every single meal!!!!!! I can cram way more food down my throat with these magical little pills!!!!!! I love you Paxil and store brand anti-histimines!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But, I digress!!!
So, I would like to continue to review the restaurants I visited while I was up in San Francisco!!!!!!! One of the places I really badly wanted to visit was a place in The Mission District called Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!! Why did I want to come here?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, the guy on Man vs. Food ate here and I've seen it on many food shows that visit the Bay Area!!!! When you visit a restaurant that you've seen on T.V. whether it be Rachel Ray, Anthony Bourdain, Guy Fieri, Samantha Brown, or Adam Richman, it's like seeing a celebrity in person at a movie premiere in West Los Angeles!!!!!! Anyway, everybody on T.V. who visited Taqueria La Cumbre would pretty much wet their pants in talking about how good the food was here!!!!! Now, I'm aware that there is a significant Latino community in San Francisco as well and many Mexican immigrants in the Bay Area, but c'mon, Southern California has the best Mexican Food outside of Mexico, right?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?! Needless to say, I decided I needed to visit Taqueria La Cumbre to see if the food here lived up to the hype!!!!!!!!!!
As I was walking down Valencia Street I came upon Taqueria La Cumbre and it was like seeing Bill Paxton in person on the set of Aliens!!!! "Why don't you just put her in charge?!?!?!?!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Anyway, I've gotta say that when I walked in to Taqueria La Cumbre I was already slanted in my opinion of Bay Area Mexican Food as LA, Orange County and San Diego are all closer to the Mexican border which automatically means that the Mexican Food down here is better and more authentic!!!!!!!! It's an automatic, baby!!!!!!!!!! However, in doing some research, The Mission is home to its own style of burrito that started back in the 60's known as the Mission Style Burrito or the San Francisco Burrito!!!!!! Apparentley Mission Burritos are distinct in that their size is larger than regular burritos, the flour tortilla is a bit "stretchier" and rice and beans are put inside!!! Though many burritos put rice and beans inside, apparentely San Francisco Burrito's are the originators of this culinary method!!!!!! Also, one of the reasons why Taqueria La Cumbre gets so much air time on TV is that it is believed to be the initial purveyor and creator of the Mission Style Burrito!!!!! OK, so when I walked through the doors of Taqueria La Cumbre and up to the counter, I peered over their menu and ended up going with a Deluxe Burrito filled with carne asada!!!!! I would've gotten more food but I had just eaten that massive torta at That's It Market which is just a few blocks away!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! The kitchen at Taqueria La Cumbre is open so you can see them grilling their meat and the vegetables are in an assembly line so you can put whatever you want on your burrito or tacos!!!!!! I told them to put everything on my Deluxe Burrito!!!!!! Everything!!!!!!!! Need they even ask?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! So when I got my foil wrapped burrito, I took a seat in the corner, unwrapped my San Francisco style burrito, and g-dammit I went to town!!!!!!! Now remember, I was prejudiced against this burrito before I even took a bite!!!!! How can it be better than So. Cal. Mexican food?!?!?!?!?!?!?! How?!?!?!?!?!?! It can't be!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yet, when I sunk my teeth in to that spongy flour tortilla, and as their carne asada, black beans, rice, cheese and salsa passed through my incisors and molars and onto my palette, I became a convert to Mission Style burritos quicker than St. Paul became a convert to Christianity while walking on the road to Damascus!!!!!!!! I mean, good God this burrito was tasty!!!!!!!! I will say that the carne asada is what made this burrito so palatable!!!!!! Whatever marinade or spices or cut of meat they use for this burrito makes this deceased animal flesh some of the best tasting I have ever had in my life!!!!! I swear to Chr*st I'm not exagerrating!!!!!!! I'm not!!!!!!!!! This very well may have been the best burrito I have ever encountered in the entirety of my life!!!!!! And that's saying something because I was prejudiced walking in to this joint!!!!!!!!! Me loving this burrito the way I did the moment it passed through my lips would be like the equivalent of James Earl Ray becoming a civil rights activist the moment he heard the "I Have a Dream" speech!!!!!!!! That's the social change that this burrito can bring about!!!!!!!! Not even joking!!!!!! Not even joking!!!!!!!! Like I said before, I was already kind of full when I walked in to Taqueria La Cumbre, but with these flavors being what they were, I pushed through the pain and put every last bite of that tortilla filled goodness down my pie hole!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Also, the Deluxe Burrito came with tortilla chips, but they weren't that good. They were kind of dry and forgettable!!!!! But when in SF, Oakland, or even down in San Jose, you've gotta find a way to get up to the Mission and sample the burritos at Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!! My high school football coach used to look at each of us in the eye before our games  in the locker and proclaim to us, "find a way to win today!" Well, when it comes to this food, "find a way to eat it!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! Do this place!!!!!! It has the power to change society!!!! San Francisco becoming a bastion of gay civil rights makes total and complete sense to me now!!!!!!! It was because of the San Francisco burritos at Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!! Harvey Milk was a good man, and I would venture to say the main motivator that pushed him over the top to lead the gay community were the burritos at Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!! The Mission is not that far from the Castro!!!!!! Harvey Milk's apartment is walking distance!!!!! I believe Harvey Milk ate here on more than one occasion!!!!! I have zero evidence to support this, but I believe it with all of my heart!!!!!!!!!! Eat at Taqueria La Cumbre!!!!!!!! Your life and the world we inhabit will be better for it!!!!!!!!

La Cumbre Taqueria on Urbanspoon

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

That's It Market: Who'd Have Thought Good Food Could Be Had At A Liquor Store?!?!?!

So, I still have like four more Bay Area restaurant reviews to do, but sometimes it's hard to muster up the emotional energy and blog about good food I have eaten!!!!!! Just to give you a little bit of insight into my unstable mind, I can't simply sit down whenever I want and crank out a review!!!!! I have to be in the zone!!! I need to feel irrational and be filled with passion and ridiculousness to write in the style that encapsulates who I am and best represents all that entails Eat Like a Champion!!!!!! Hence, that's why a few weeks may go by in between reviews!!!! Believe it or not I have moments of sanity and when looking at my reviews I actually get a little embarassed and can't believe I actually write some of the crap I do!!!! But, I feel like blogging today and am a little punchy!!! So here it comes baby!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
OK, I'm continuing to write about my eating adventures from when I went to San Francisco a few weeks back!!!! Before I hopped on the plane to fly up to Oakland and take the BART over to Powell St., I went on to YouTube and watched the episode of No Reservations with Anthony Bourdaine where he went to San Francisco!!!!! In watching Bourdain tool around SF, some of the places he went were definetely off the beaten path and looked like places I would love to visit while up there!!!! When the SF episode had originally aired a few years back, I remember watching and taking notes of food dwellings I would visit the next time I was up that way!!! One of the places that I noted and had wanted to visit for quite some time was a liquor store in The Mission District called That's It Market!!!!! Yes, a liquor store!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Every now and then I'll drive by a liquor store and see that there's a deli inside or that they bake pizza's onsite, but there's something very unsanitary and grimy about eating food prepared inside of a liquor store in my opinion!!! I don't ever buy groceries at a liquor store, nor do even buy booze there!!!! Liquor Store's are very unkempt and filthy in my experience and the thought of consuming any product that is sold from one of these alcohol distributing establishments instantly makes me want to gag and dry heave!!!!!! Seriously!!!!! I think it has something to do with the clientele liquor stores tend to cater to!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But being that some SF food writer took Bourdain to That's It Market for his show, I figured I could bite the bullet due to the fact that this place might be an exception and put out some pretty dignified caloric goodness!!!!!
What was it that brought Anthony Bourdain to That's It Market in The Mission?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Something called the Cubana, which according to That's It Market is the largest torta in the world!!!!!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! When I saw Bourdain on TV sitting at the counter, stuffing a Cubano into his face while sucking back a tallboy of Tecate, I knew that this was an experience that I had to live out for myself!!!!!!!!! Before I went down to The Mission District, I asked a bell hop at the hotel I was staying in if The Mission was a safe enough part of town!! He responded by telling me, "It's not that safe. If I were you, I would go down there with somebody. I wouldn't go alone." Hmmmmmmmmm this was going to be tricky!!!! I needed a Cubana and I couldn't talk anybody I was with to go down there with me!!!!!! If I had to risk getting jumped or mugged for all of my cash in the The Mission, then so be it!!!!! I don't care!!!!!! The Cubano was a sandwich I would walk through a g-damn war zone for just to be able to cross it off of my bucket list!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! When I hopped on the BART and made it down to The Mission and emerged from the underground tunnel, I didn't look to me like The Mission was a bad neighborhood at all!!!! Never at one point did I feel the least bit unsafe there!!! It's like Broadway in downtown LA, but a little nicer!!!! That bell-hop didn't know what he was talking about!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Anyway, when I came to That's It Market and walked inside, it was a typical trashy liquor store that I usually avoid with the bums loitering outside the front door, expired food sitting on the shelves, and a wide array of porn mags on display behind the counter!!!!! However, when I walked over to the grill on the right, the woman who was working it and cooking the beautiful looking sandwiches for the The Mission locals was incredibly friendly and welcoming!!!!!!!! I looked over their menu for a moment, but I knew what I came for and what I wanted!!!!!  The largest torta in the world, please: The Cubano!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! When I ordered my Cubana, the nice lady simply nodded her head!!! I then took a step back and just watched the magic happen on the grill!!!!! Beef, sausage, ham, pork leg, chorizo, hot dog, eggs, cheese, mayo, jalapeno, tomato, avacado, on a massive bun of bread!!!!!!!! I walked over to one of the coolers and grabbed my Tecate to have the exact same experience as Bourdain, but they told me I couldn't drink in the store. Bummer!! That's fine!
When my Cubana was finished and served to me on a plate, it was abslotely colossal!!! Like, one of the biggest sandwiches I have ever seen!!!!! And it was filled with such marvelous looking greasy fatty Mexican food beauty!!!!!!!!! I remember just before Bourdain took his first bite into his Cubana, he stated, "I'm going to hate myself later for this!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!! When I picked up my Cubana and looked at the cross section of it and saw all of the different high caloried greasy protein resting against the bread, I said the exact same thing as Bourdain, "I'm gonna hate myself later on!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! And though I may have hated myself later on, which I wll spare you the details of, I didn't hate myself at the moment that first bite of Cubana entered into my mouth and passed through my teeth!!!!!! In fact, I was loving myself and thrilled to death that I had made the decision to come to The Mission and eat lunch in a dirty sketchy looking liquor store!!!!!! This torta was staggeringly good!!!!!!!! All of the different pork and beef products combined with the mayo and avocado and bread made for one of the most unforgettable and lustrous eating experiences in my entire existence!!!!!! Holy God!!!!!!! Though in San Francisco there are countless eating options, the Cubana at That's It Market in The Mission is a place that is worth planning an entire vacation to San Francisco around!!!! Forget Alcatraz, forget Chinatown, forget Fisherman's Wharf, the Presidio, the Golden Gate or going across the Bay!!!!!! The complete focus of your vacation when you go to San Francisco should be That's it Market in The Mission!!!!! This torta will send you into a different reality and has the potential for your entire paradigm to completely shift!!!!! Why would that happen after eating this sandwich?!?!?!?!?! I don't know!!!!!!! But it's so good tasting, a whole new life experience and reality will be opened up to you like never before!!!! More than LSD, weed, or ecstasy could ever dream of doing!!!!!!!! Swear to God!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
When in SF, you absolutely have to eat the Cubana at That's It Market in The Mission!!!! You owe it to yourself and to the dignity of your family name to do so!!!!!!!!!! Sure, later on in the day you'll regret eating it, but in the long run, The Cubana will change your life for the better!!!! Thank you Anthony Bourdain for bringing this torta to our attention!!!! You have done more for humanity than any Nobel Peace Prize winner could ever do!!!!!!! Totally serious!!!!!!!!! Do this place and do it hard!!!!!!!!!!! Cubana!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

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Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Cafe Zoetrope: Smells Like.... Victory!!!!

Recently, I spent a long weekend up in San Francisco!!!!! I love San Francisco!!!!!! The vibe, the intellectual feel, the preserved history!!!!!! The Bay Area is truly a treasure here in the USA!!!! Upon walking the streets of North Beach, Union Square, the Mission,  the Financial District and Berkeley, I discovered that San Francisco is quite possibly one of the most astonishingly great eating cities in the entire world!!!!! For real!!!!!Every single street I walked down, there were numerous restaurants that looked as though they had so much character, like they had been around for years and had been through so much of the history that encapsulates everything that is San Francisco!!!!!! And that's not to mention that these restaurants were discharging some of the most succulent smelling food aroma's that I had ever encountered in my entire life!!!! Wow!!!!!! I mean, San Francisco!!!!!!!! What an incredible eating utopia!!!!!! Though it's known for its large population of red commie bastards, inordinant political correctness, and over the top socially conscious activists and hippies, San Francisco without a g-damn doubt puts out some of the most beautiful tasting, fat filled, over-indulgent comfort food that any one person on the entire planet earth could ever know!!!!!! ..... EVER!!!!!! I know in the past I have said the same thing about Chicago, but I feel a calling, as though Destiny is speaking directly to me, even as I type these words, to move to the Bay Area and do nothing but eat!!!!!!!! With all the amazing tasting food, and never ending restaurant selections, a mind and stomach like my own could have free reign and I could reach my full potential in life!!!! Simply stated, there would never be a purer joy experienced in life than becoming an expert on the San Francisco eating scene!!!! That term 'purer joy' ain't no exaggeration either!!!!! I completely and fully mean that!!!!!! There would be no purer joy than to sulk and bathe in the San Francisco eating scene for the rest of my g-damn days, sampling everything on each menu, writing food reviews, all the while gaining hundreds of pounds and getting drunk out of my mind!!!!! It's probably worth the health hazards!!!!!!!! I don't care!!!! Talk about making the most out of ones life, that's what life is all about right there, right?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! With that, the next number of reviews I blog, will all be Bay Area restaurants!!!!!!!! I mean going to as many restaurants as you can in just a few days and then overreating at each of them so as to write an honest and thoughtful review isn't that easy!!!!!!!! I seriously must've gained about 10 pounds while in SF and for the past few days have been emitting some of the most toxic gas from my ass that I ever have!!!!!! It smells like a g-damn skunk died in my bedroom!!!! My body is freaking out with all of this food that was stuffed into my stomach day after day while up there!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! 
So, I went up to San Francisco because I have some family up that way, and I needed to get away from my bickering and bitter wife for a few days!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Note to all of you single people out there who have never been married but would like to some day: The person you marry on your wedding day, will not be the same person five years later!!! And that goes for both people involved!!!!!! Be ready to make adjustments, be willing to compromise, apologize frequently (mainly if your the man), and wake up each morning and make the decision to commit to your spouse and to love them!!!!! I believe it was Stephen Stills who said it best: "If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one your with!" Stephen Stills is absolutely correct!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, upon getting off of the plane the first place I was taken while in San Francisco was a place called Cafe Zoetrope in the Nob Hill neighborhood!!!!!! Cafe Zoetrope is located in an amazing looking greenish colored building which I was told was one of the few structures that was around during the great San Francisco quake of 1906 which didn't collapse!!!!!!!! Plus, I have seen this building many times in pictures and postcards, but had no idea that it was Cafe Zoetrope!!!!!!! Also, the building, and Cafe Zoetrope itself is owned by acclaimed movie director, Francis Ford Coppola!!!!!! Cool!!!! Upon walking in to Cafe Zoetrope there are many pictures on the wall of famous scenes and actors from Coppola's films, plus there are pictures of Coppola with Spielberg, Scorcese, and George Lucas just to name a few!!!!! One guy who I struck up a converstaion with at the bar, which happened to be pouring none other than Francis Ford Coppola Zinfandel and Chardonnay, told me that it was in this very building that The Godfather was edited by Coppola and that Lucas conceived Star Wars!!!!! Wow!!!!! What a place of cinematic significance!!!!!! I had no idea I was walking into living history!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
OK, on to the food!!!!!!! First off, I gotta say that I'm not used to eating food that is this finely prepared and carries the sophistication of flavors that the Italian fare Cafe Zoetrope does!!!!!! Hell, I just ate five burgers from Red Robin a few weeks back for Christ's sake!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But all of this Italian food was amazing and unforgettable!!!!! The first thing they brought out to us was a Caesar Salad along with a salad of romaine lettuce and shrimp!!!!!! The sweet vinegar based dressing as well as the freshness of the produce and shrimp were absolutely divine!!!! I'm not a salad guy and seek to avoid it at all costs, but this salad was surreal tasting!!!!!! Excellent flavors!!! Next, they brought out these green beans with hazelnuts shaved over them!!!! Again, I don't like to eat things that are green, unless it's jalapeno's on pizza or lettuce on burgers, but these green beans were so phenomenal tasting as they entered into my mouth and met my palette!!!! I went back to the family style bowl these beans were served in and kept shoveling scoop after scoop and put it on to my plate!!!!!!! I mean, I couldn't stop eating these green beans!!!! So flavorful and such good balance between the salty beans and sweet hazelnuts!!!!! After the beans, they brought us out some of their pizza!!!!! Lets just say that this isn't your typical neighborhood pizzeria!!!!! This dough, sauce and cheese was honestly of some of the highest quality I have ever eaten in all of my years of living!!!!! I could've disposed of this pizza into my mouth all g-damn night and never ever have gotten full!!!!!! The flavors were that good!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Next out was this spinach pie as well as a mushroom and cheese pie!!!! Good God!!!!! Everything about these pies caused me to question every decision I have ever made in life from the college major I chose to the career choice I made!!!! Maybe I should have pursued a job that payed me more money, that I might have been unhappy in, but could have then afforded to eat food that is of a higher caliber and has more complexity in flavors than what I grew up on and am used to!!!!!!!! It might be worth it to do something for a living you hate and are miserable with for the rest of your life so as to be able to afford fine tasting food!!!!!!!!! It's a good tradeoff!!!! I really am coming to believe that!!!! Food is that important and life fulfilling!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Wow!!!!! The crust on these pies were so tender, and the spinach, and mushrooms and cheese were so savory I might've believed that at that moment I had reached the pinnacle of human existence!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Following these pies, the waiters plopped down on our table this chicken with green olives that was one of the most succulent, moist, and flavorful pieces of meat I have ever sampled in my life!!!!!!!!!! Holy God, this chicken fell off the bone the exact moment it touched my lips!!!!!!!!!! It was that tender and good!!!!!! As my stomach started to fill up and as I started to feel like that guy at the beginning of the movie Se7en who eats himself to death, they capped off our meal by giving us this huge bowl of pasta with pesto sauce as well as a huge bowl of a sausage and fennel pasta that was so g-damn gratifying to eat, that I began to believe that Coppola had made a good decision in making The Godfather Part 3!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! That movie was so bad, but after eating this pasta, it probably should've won the Academy Award for best picture!!!!! Not even joking!!!!! Not even joking!!!!!!! The food and Cafe Zoetrope has the power and ability to change your long held reasonable opinions on film!!!!!!!! Godfather 3 was a masterpiece!!!!!!!! A masterpiece I say!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Needless to say, the food at Cafe Zoetrope was spectacular!!!!!!! Coppola is a genius, not only as a film and wine maker, but as the owner of this substinence providing Italian eatery in Nob Hill!!!!!!! When in Nob Hill, do this place!!!! Don't hold back!!!!! Hell, maybe you'll see Coppola in their as there's a private booth in the corner that is his, and which he comes in to eat at and write!!!!!! Be sure to overreat and get drunk off of Coppola's wine!!!!!! That's how you do it right there!!!!!!!! I love Cafe Zoetrope and give it a resounding thumbs up!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Charlie don't surf!!!!!!!!

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