Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Red's Java House: A Nice Place to Destroy Your Workout!!!!!

I love Anthony Bourdain!!!! He hands down has the greatest job in the history of the civilized world!!!!! I mean, who in the hell else gets to travel first class all around the world, overeat every single day of the week, get sloshed on many varietals of booze each night and then write about it!!!!!!!! Oh wait, if you're a professional baseball player I guess each of those things kind of sums of your life too, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!??!?!?!?!? Oh my God what a wonderful existence Bourdain and professional baseball players have!!!!! I hear baseball players get an all you can eat buffet in the clubhouse after each game with high quality food!!!!!! Plus they get like a $100 food stipend each day!!!!! Making it to the big leagues really is a dream come true!!!!!!!! Screw the money!!!! Forget the skanky groupies!!!!! Who cares about the glory of the roaring crowd chanting your name!!!!!!! But being able to eat that much good food on a regular basis is the true dream and the real reward of years of hard work in making it to the big leagues!!!!!!!! That's a fact!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! So anyway, I saw on No Reservations that when Bourdain was in San Francisco, he ate at a historic looking burger shanty right underneath the Bay Bridge on the San Francisco Bay Trail called Red's Java House!!!! Apparently Red's Java House has been in business for over 100 years and has served the long shore men, dock workers, junkies, and drunk cyclists for breakfast and lunch for the past century!!!!!! Celebrities have been frequenting Red's for years as well as there are myriad photos on the wall of all kinds of famous people who came to this historic eatery to stuff their faces with Reds' runny eggs and greasy burgers!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! This is a destination spot for sure!!!!! But to be honest with you, the only reason I came to Red's was to continue to follow in the footsteps of Bourdain and eat as he ate and get drunk as he got drunk in San Francisco!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
I think it was a Sunday afternoon when I walked in to Red's!!!!! As soon as you walk in, Red's has this old school vintage feel to it with a 40's or 50's decore!!!!!! You get the sense that very little has changed at Red's over the past century!!!!!!! But when you walk out back, there's a bar and patio where you can dine while outside and get your drink on while getting multiple whiffs of rotting fish and the petroleum infested waters of the San Francisco Bay!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Anyway, when I walked up to the counter at Red's to place my order, I just went old school and ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and beer!!!!! I had stuffed my mouth full of sausages at the Ferry Building Market just before I came to Red's so I wasn't feeling the hunger like I had hoped!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I took my number and found a seat by the bar where there was this busted, fuzzy pictured TV set with big black vertical line running through the picture!!!!!! As I was sitting at my table, sipping my beer, I noticed that the bar in the back of Red's was filled with tight short cyclists who probably just did like 25 miles through the hills of San Fran.!!!!!!! My thought was, "aren't you completely ruining your workout and all the calories you just burnt by doing shots of Jaeger and slamming burgers after your ride?!?!?!?!?!?!" But whatever!!!!! I guess you can justify anything you eat after a long ride if you're trying to keep up your girlish figure in check!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!
OK, so the food at Red's was average... Not bad, but not great. The burger and fries were pretty standard. Also, the bun is like a baguette and it's very hard and dry, which is a bad combination to have, especially for sex.... Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! OK OK, I'll clean it up!!!!! My point is, the burger was kind of difficult to eat with the bun being the way it was!!!!! However, the view of the Bay Bridge on the back patio is pretty amazing!!!! And, given the history of Red's Java House, its definitely a place one should visit while in the Bay Area!!!!! Oh, and if you wanted to booze with a bunch of drunk cyclists, then this is your place!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Do this place for sure!!!!!! Mad love, Reds!!!!! Mad love!!!!!!!!

Red's Java House on Urbanspoon

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