Monday, September 10, 2012

Stout Burgers & Beers: Heaven on Earth!!!!!

A few years back I came across a book called The Game by Rolling Stone journalist Neil Strauss!!!! In The Game, Strauss chronicles how he transformed himself from a nerdy, insecure reject, into a confident sauve pick-up artist able to hook up with any woman he desired!!!! He learned his 'game' from a a master pick-up artist by the name of Mystery who was the host of that show on VH-1 a few years back called The Pick-Up Artist!!!!! Is what Neil Strauss writes in his book for real?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean, is some of it exaggerated?!?!?!?!?!?! At first I thought so, but after talking to some people and doing some of my own research on YouTube, I think everything Strauss wrote in his book is accurate and true!!!!!!!! Talk about the Holy Grail of life!!!!! Having routines down, the confidence, and gambits to help in picking up even the hottest of women is honestly like a dream or fantasy coming to reality!!!!!!! Soon, I will be single and have made a vow that I will never ever get married again and devote myself to becoming like Neil Strauss and Mystery, picking up women in everyday life!!!!!!!!!  Plus, my true love in life is food and beer!!!!!! No woman could ever come remotely close to giving me the feeling that good food and strong beer gives me!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Don't worry, I would never do anything dishonest or disrespectful to women, but to be able to attract just about any woman is the most significant gift any one person can have in this life!!!!!! It's like having a g-damn superpower like the Flash or the Green Lantern!!!!!!!! But I would choose Strauss's ability or superpower over any super-hero's power in either Marvel or the DC comics!!!!!!!! And this power that Strauss has isn't a fantasy, it's real!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Why am I talking about this?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, recently I drove a friend up to LAX and instead of dealing with traffic on the 405, I decided to spend a few hours up in Hollywood and take a Neil Strauss reality tour!!!!! Hell, I've lived in Southern California my entire life and have spent hardly any time in Hollywood!!!!! So, I became a tourist for an afternoon and walked around to see the sights of Hollywood!!!! The Kodak Theater, Mann's Chinese Theater, Chateau Marmont, The Sunset Strip, The Scientology building (even though they kicked me out), and the Roosevelt Hotel!!!! Finally I was able to take some time and visit these places!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Though, Stout Burgers & Beers has nothing to do with Neil Strauss or The Game, I have been learning that quite possibly the greatest burgers in all of the USA exist in none other than Los Angeles!!!!!!! Chicago and New York have their hot dogs and pizza, Philadelphia has their cheesesteaks, Texas has their barbecue, San Francisco and Boston have their clam chowder, and oh yes indeed, Los Angeles has their burgers!!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! And being that Hollywood is the stomping ground of Strauss and home to many chic bars and clubs where Mystery and Strauss would run their game, it reminded me of him when I decided to turn right on Cahuenga and sample the fine beef product that reside at Stout Burgers & Beers!!!!!
When I parked my car and began walking down Cahuenga, I was struck by all the weirdo's walking around!!!! And I'm not talking about the drug addicts and cross dressers everywhere I looked!!!! But I'm talking about the goth, emo's,  wannabe actors and gay people with small town values who come to Hollywood because the town they are from in the South or Midwest wouldn't accept them!!!!!!! Hey, that's cool!!!! You've got to do what you've gotta do, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Anyway, when I walked up to Stout Burgers & Beers, I was initially struck by the awesome layout!!!! They have these very large glass doors that can open, so though you're inside it kind of feels like your outside!!!!! Also, the bar has this wood pannelling which makes for a rustic looking design that is totally bitchin' looking!!!!!! Their sign on the outside says they're open until 4am which means when the clubs close at 2am, the Neil Strauss and Mystery wannabe's can come to Stout and run their game in hopes of picking up some skanky, inebriated chick from Texas who's willing to experiment with the Godless values that make up Hollywood, California!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha!!! Although losing one's innocence isn't that funny!!!!!!
OK, so Stout Burgers & Beers prides themselves on their fine tasting burgers as well as pairing their ground beef sandwiches with a finely hand-crafted beer!!!!! Hey, craft beer and burgers!!!!!! Is there anything better?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?! I think not!!!!! This place was perfect for me!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I wasn't sure what to order so I went with a Stout Burger which has on it blue cheese, roasted tomatoes, rosemary bacon, caramelized onions, and emi gruyere (whatever the hell that is), as well as an order of their fries!!!! Oh, and at Stout Burgers & Beers you must pair your burger with a craft beer!!!!!! I mean, you don't have to, but it's all part of getting the most out your experience there!!!!!!!! They have a wonderful selection of craft beer and their selection of craft beers tells you that they know what the hell they'd doing and talking about when it comes to pairing your burger with a good craft brew!!!!!!!! I went for a Mama's Little Yellow Pilsner brewed by Oskar Blues and it is a fabulous tasting beer!!!!! It was 11am when I ordered this beer too, but again, when at Stout, you've got to have beer!!!!!!! I hardly ever do it, but beer in the morning is brilliant, just brilliant I say!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
When the hip tatooed guy working the bar brought out my burger and fries it looked like a g-damn work of art!!!!!!! It looked beautiful and I was hesitant to dig in as I didn't want to ruin what looked to be a dazzling food sculpture!!!!! It would've been like vandalizing the statue of David in Rome!!!!!! But I had to do it!!!!!!!!!! I had to!! The Stout Burger just looked and smelled way too damn good!!!!!!!!! But before I would gorge on this burg, I decided to sample their fries!!!!!! The fries came out in what seemed like a cereal bowl and they were sprinkled with a rosemary seasoning!!!!!!!! Let me just say that these fries were amazing as I ingested them into my system!!!!!!! As I chewed and swallowed it brought back memories of a girl I had a short fling with in college!!!!! As we would make love she would tell me that I was "amazing!" And as I ate these deep fried rosemary potato slices, I just kept thinking of her telling me I was "amazing" because these fries were amazing to me!!!!!! I know I know, a gentleman never tells, and I'm not giving out any details!!!!! But these fries were orgasmic!!!!! Not even joking!!!!! Not even joking!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
After I had a good sampling of fries, and after I stepped outside to smoke a cigarette, I walked back inside and tackled the Stout Burger!!!!!! OK, in my opinion I have experienced some of the finest burgers in the world!!!!! Cherry Cricket in Denver, Burger Bar in Las Vegas, Slaters 50/50 in Anaheim, but honestly, this might be the single greatest burger I have ever had!!!!!!!! Not saying that it absolutely is, but it is right up there!!!!!!! Whatever part of the cow they used and whatever seasoning they used on the beef, and whatever  horseradish, bacon, and blue-cheese they used to make this burger, made it hands down one of the most profound eating experiences of my entire life!!!!!!!! With each bite I took, beef juice and horseradish would slop down on to my plate which caused me to smear my burger into my plate before moving on to another bite!!!!!! Like the short fling I had in college with that girl, I didn't want my time at Stout Burgers and Beers to end!!!!! This was hands down one of the most fulfilling and satisfying moments of my life!!!!! Not the day I graduated from college or the night when I was in love with my wife and proposed to her, could compare to the feeling of absolute completion and contentment that I felt while eating the Stout Burger at Stout Burgers & Beers in Hollywood!!!!!! Oh my God!!!!!! I have never in my life experienced a culinary creation like the Stout Burger nor do I believe I ever will again!!!!!!! Am I overreacting?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Do I sound insane?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, if you were to experience the food at Stout Burgers & Beers you would know what the hell I'm talking about!!!! Hollywood is about a 90 minute drive for me, but you know what?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I would get in my car and blow a half a tank of gas and the entirety of my day just to devour a burger, fries, and beer from Stout!!!!!!! I believe it was Belinda Carlyle or Debbie Gibson who sang that song that went "ooooohhhhhhh Heaven is a place on earth!" Remember that song?!?!?!?!?! Well, no doubt she absolutely had to have been referring to Stout Burgers & Beers because this place is Heaven on Earth!!!!!! If you come here, you will feel no pain, you will cry no tears, you will experience no war or injustice because at Stout Burgers and Beers, all is right with the world!!!!! That's the power of the burgers and fries at Stout Burges & Beers!!!!! That the power of it!!!!!! The Fountain of Youth, A Genie Bottle with three wishes, being able to pick-up any woman you want like Neil Strauss, and.... Stout Burgers and Beers!!!! Yes yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whenever in Hollywood, do this place!!!!!!! But beware, you will never experience anything better!!!! Never ever!!!!! I love you Stout Burger!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahaahahahahahaahahaha!!!!


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1 comment:

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