Monday, October 17, 2011

Langer's Deli: Worth Risking Your Life For!!!!

To be quite honest, I've never been a huge fan of pastrami!!! I mean, in general it's alright, but it's rarely something I crave when I've been depriving myself of calories and nutrients for days on end!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But but but but but... the legend of Langer's Deli in Los Angeles is... well... legendary and I came to the conclusion that if I'm gonna' truly live my life, then I needed to try Langer's Deli in Los Angeles!!!! Langer's had been calling my name for quite some time!!!! As I woke up one morning last week, knowing I would be at Langers later that day, I stared at myself in the mirror for a good fifteen to twenty minutes and I just kept saying to myself over and over "Let's do this!!!! Let's do this!!!! Let's do this!!!! Let's do this!!!!" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!  So, as I was driving up to Santa Anita last week to get my gamble on, I took a little detour and decided the time had arrived for me to sample this pastrami and see if it was truly something of legends!!!! Oh, by the way, I lost my ass at Santa Anita that day!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! But I had fun!!!!
  When I exited 8th Street and drove over towards MacArthur Park, I clearly saw that I was in the wrong part of town!!!! I mean, I was in Pico-Union for Christ's sake, which is I believe one of the poorest neighborhoods in all of Los Angeles!!! As I drove through Pico-Union I said to myself, "this cannot be right! I feel like I'm driving through downtown San Salvador, and is the legendary Langers Deli in this neighborhood?!?!" No disrespect at all to the wonderful Latino community, but I just didn't really think poor immigrants from Central America would be too keen on high priced Jewish deli's!! That was my surprise!!! As I drove by MacArthur Park, there it was on the corner of 7th and Alvarado!!!!! It was like the face of Christ being transfigured before the very eyes of Peter, John and James with beams of bright light shining forth from every direction!!!! Moses and Elijah were there too!!!! It was a heavenly and holy sight to behold!!!! But I swear to God I must have driven around in circles for a good half hour trying to find someplace to park!! That's a knock on this place, the parking situation is a difficult one. I ended up parking in a barrio off of James Woods Drive, and seriously, as I walked away from my 5 year old sedan, I took a long hard look at my car and said, "Well old girl, I may never see you again! You may get stolen and I may have to hitch a ride back home! But Langers is calling me!!!! And I need it!!! And if that means that you and I need to part ways forever, then so be it!!! I'm so sorry, but this is  what it's come to!!!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! As I walked over on to Alvarado towards MacArthur Park and Langers, in all seriousness, I feared for my life!!! I kept thinking to myself, "What the hell are you, a middle class white guy from Orange County, doing walking through this neighborhood on your own?!?!"  While walking down Alvarado I could hear the mariachi music blaring from overpriced low quality speakers from each flea market stand I passed by!!! With every step I took, I just kept waiting!!! Waiting for some doper, thief, or desperate father to stab me in the kidneys and rob me of all my cash!!!!! I was really scared!!! More than once, I thought about running back to my car and just driving away, but no!!!! Langers was calling!!!! I hear you Langers!!! I hear you calling!!!! I'm coming!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
When I finally made it to Langers, I dropped to my knees and thanked YWHW in heaven for sparing my life and bringing me to Langer's unharmed and safe!!! When I got up off of my knees  I walked over to the counter and took a seat!!!! As I popped open the menu I took a long hard look!!!! I poured over and studied that menu like a law student studies for the Bar Exam!!! I was thinking, "this could be my last meal!" After all,  I had to walk back to my car parked on James Woods Dr., the same way I came!!! Who knows what could happen to me!!! I was fully prepared for my life to end on that walk back to my car!!! But Langer's is calling me!!!!! I needed to make this potentially last meal of mine, count!!!! With that, I ordered the #19 which was a pastrami on rye with swiss, cole slaw, and Russian dressing. I also added on a side of large fries!! Let me just say flat out, that if this was the last meal I ever ate in my life, then I would leave this earth completely satisfied, fulfilled and happy!!!! I'd have no regrets at all!!! None whatsoever!!!!! That pastrami with the slaw, cheese, Russian dressing,  on rye was far and away one the most brilliant and delectable culinary creations this planet we live on will ever know.... EVER!!!!! Who the hell cares about making millions of dollars or travelling around the world or making a difference in people's lives!!!!! If you eat a #19 from Langer's, you will leave this world with no regrets at all!!!! At all!!!!! I promise you that!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Johnny Unitas: three time NFL MVP, Steve Yzerman: 10x NHL all star and 4x Stanley Cup Champion, Tony Gwynn: 15x MLB all star and 9x NL batting champion, Lance Allworth 7x AFL all star and 1x Super Bowl champion!!! All of these great athletes wore what number you ask? The #19!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahaha!!! You see where I'm going with this?!?!?! Do you see it?!?!?! There is greatness and power in the #19 from Langer's!!!!! There is greatness in the #19 period!!!!! There is a force greater than humanity in the pastrami sandwich at Langer's!!!! That's a fact!!!!!!! An absolute fact!!!!!!!
This food is powerful!!!! As Pico-Union began to change after WWII with the migration of Latino's, Langer's couldn't be moved!!! There is a certain power, an immovable force within this food!!! Just like Josephus and the Jewish Army fought off the Romans at Massada in the 1st century, so too does Langer's posses the power to fight off anything that might threaten the existence of this beautiful beautiful food!!! I know I know, eventually the Jewish army was defeated by those bastard Romans!! I'm just having fun!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Though the Latino community is a truly beautiful thing, it can't move the power of Langer's!!!! Nothing can move Langer's for that matter!!!!!! This food is here to stay!!!! When I finished my sandwich, I walked out to Alvarado, fully expecting to get stabbed by some junkie, but I made it back to my car, which didn't get stolen!!! It was a happy ending to my experience at Langer's!!!! But, I will go back!!!! I will risk my life, even die, for another shot at this food!!!! Is it worth it?!?! Absolutely and completely!!!!! Absoluteley and completeley!!!! Absolutely and completely!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Do this place and do it hard!!!! I love you Langer's!!!!!!

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