Thursday, February 9, 2012

Old Tymer's Cafe: Who Is This That Beckons Me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

In Durango, Colorado, it get's pretty g-damn cold!!! Especially when the sun sets behind the caps of the San Juan Mountains at about 5pm!!!! Shesus it gets cold!!! And when the wind starts to blow, forget about it!!!!! But as I walked up and down Main Ave. with my heavy jacket on with multiple layers underneath, a wool cap insulating my head, and an alpaca scarf wrapped around my neck, my cheeks were turning red and my legs began to go numb!! I mean, it gets damn freezing in Colorado this time of year!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! One of the things that I've found, is that when it gets really really cold outside, like ass cold, my stomach starts to sound like a Grizzly Bear snarling and squeezing the life out of an Alaskan Salmon trying to work its way upstream!!!!! As my wife and I were walking along Main Ave., with hands numb and snot frozen to the insides of our nostrels, I smelled the wondrous redolent odor of hamburger beef coming from a restaurant sitting on the corner of Main and 10th!!!!! This wondrous odor of sizzling cow I speak of was emanating from none other than Olde Tymer's Cafe!!!!!!! This burger from Olde Tymer's was calling me, it beckoned me, it knew my name and seemed to beg for me to enter into the doors of the Olde Tymer's Cafe and rescue it from the oppressive hell of the Olde Tymer's Kitchen and deliver it into the sheltered, warm sanctuary of my mouth and stomach!!!! I'm coming Olde Tymer's burger!!!!! I'm coming for you!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Seriously though, the combination of frigid mountain air coupled with a numb face and the scent of charred beef escaping into the freezing Colorado winds leaves one violated when it comes to their free will!!!! When you smell that smell, you unalterably have no choice but to say, "I'm coming for you!!!!!!!!! I'm coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
When we walked into the doors of the Olde Tymer's Cafe and felt the warm air of the restaurants furnace strike our brisk shivering bodies, I immediately began to feel like a frozen Foster Farms chicken being defrosted in the microwave!!!!! The chills and numbness instantly began to wear off and I could feel melted snot rolling down on to the top of my lip!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I know, that's gross!!! Anyway, we noticed all the tables were full, but the bar was free so we headed for a couple of empty stools and took a seat!!! When we sat down I noticed a glorious surprise!!!! It was happy hour and they had Blue Moons for $2.75 a pint and Nacho's for $3.50 a plate!!!!! Would I like to experience the happy hour deal?!?!?! Uh, yes please!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Man, when they brought us those Blue Moon's, I slammed that orange flavored brew down like Tom Hanks slammed down coconut milk on that deserted island in the movie Cast Away!!!!!! After pint number one, I then began to feel a new numbness running through my body, but this numbness wasn't from the below freezing temperature outside!!! You know what I mean?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!
Soon they brought us our plate of nachos, and man were they good!! Plenty of gooey melted cheese, spicy jalapenos, and a cup of salsa that complimented the nachos nicely!!! Nacho's and beer are good, but when it's colder than Rush Limbaugh's heart outside and you're paying happy hour prices, the food and drink at Ole Tymer's seemed unparalleled!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Once the nacho plate was left with nothing but tortilla chip crumbs and grease and once we were well into pint number two with our companions of Blue Moon, out they came.... The Olde Tymer's Burger!!!!!!! I think it came on an onion bun and it had melted cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickle!!!!! You could see the heat rising from the meat patty and each time somebody opened the front door of the restaurant and we were reminded of the brisk mountain air that was outside awaiting us upon our departure, the burger seemed to smell and look that much more appetizing!!!!!! When I compiled all of my burger components together and gave my Olde Tymer's Burger a healthy dose of ketchup, I pushed that hot and juicy sandwich towards my face and the moment it hit my lips, I knew what real pleasure and real living was all about when it comes to human existence!! I mean I knew pleasure and living at that moment the same way King David knew Bathsheba that fateful night he was walking around the roof of his palace!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Let's just say my burger and I became familiar!!!! The Olde Tymer's Burger and The Olde Tymer's Cafe, is a truly excellent and quality burger!!!!! And the fries!!! Don't let me end this review without mentioning the fries!!!! The way they are fried and the seasoning that are put on them makes them taste like potato cakes of the most succulent and beautiful kind!!!! These fries are amazing and they complimented the burger and Blue Moon so so well!!!!!!
Whether you're going to Durango to ski, hike, mountain bike, shop, see Mesa Verde, or just sit in a bar and sample multiple brilliant Colorado microbrews, you've got to stop by Olde Tymer's Cafe!!!! Excellent food and you cannot beat the happy hour!!!! At least compared to what you'll find in Southern California!!!!! Hit this place and hit it hard!!!! You can get a lot of food for not that much money!!!!! Do it now!!!!! It's awesome!!!! Yeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Olde Tymer's Cafe on Urbanspoon

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