Far East Cafe: Biiiiiiiiiig Trouble.... In Little China!!!!!

I've never been a huge fan of Chinese food!!!! I mean, it's OK but I've never really liked it all that much!!! Hell, I'll eat the stuff, but I will never voluntarily seek out Chinese food when I'm starving and looking to load my gut up with savory food to release those damned endorphins like nobody's business!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I don't know, there's just something about the spices and sauces of Chinese food that I just don't care for that much!!!! And I'm going to tell you something, I don't really want to review Far East Cafe!!!!! I don't want to review any Chinese food restaurant to be perfectly honest with you!!!!!! But, I ate here when I was in San Francisco's Chinatown and for some reason feel obligated to review this place!!!!!! In full disclosure, there are a lot of Orange County restaurants that have brought about ridiculous thoughts and unbridled passion in me that I cannot wait to post on this blog!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But I haven't allowed myself to do it because I told myself that I would write a review of Far East Cafe in San Francisco, wrapping up my Bay Area eating adventure, before I did anything else!!!!! So here we are!!!!!! Just looking to get this out of the way, but at the same time I want to write something good!!!!!
First off, quite possibly one of the greatest movies in the history of documented society is a movie called, Big Trouble in Little China!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! But I'm kinda serious!!!!!! Remeber that movie with Kurt Russell and some other obscure actors from the 80's that nobody remembers?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! OK, this is maybe my favorite line from BTILC, "This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there." And you know what?!?!?!?!?!?! I identify with Jack Burton, driver of the Pork Chop Express!!!! Being that I don't like Chinese food and feel obligated for some reason to review Far East Cafe, I'm talkin' to whoever's listenin' out there!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Anyway, as I was in San Francisco, walking around to see the sites and take in the city, I came upon Chinatown and thought to myself, "This is where Wah Ching rolled in the 60's and did some damage!!!! And after harrassing tourists and stealing their wallets, they had to have been hungry and, hey, maybe they went to Far East Cafe to grab some cuisine from their homeland!!!!!!!!! Maybe Wah Ching did!!!!!! Who's to say they didn't?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Who?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! A number of stolen credit cards had to have been used at this eating establishment over the years!!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
OK, so as we were walking around Chinatown, we came across Far East Cafe and somebody we were with said they've been eating here for years!!!!! And I'm going to be honest with you, eating Chinese food in Chinatown was kind of appealing!!! I mean, you aren't gonna get no Mandarin Chicken from Panda Express in Chinatown, but rather you're going to get the real deal eating in Chinatown!!!!!! Maybe the closest to real Chinese food outside of China!!!!!! Oh, and you know what I just remembered right at this moment?!?!?!?!?!?! Bruce Lee lived in San Francisco!!!!!!!!!! Maybe he ate at Far East Cafe!!!!!!!!! Hell, maybe the rice from Far East Cafe fueled Bruce Lee during the filming of Enter the Dragon!!!!!!!! Although I think it was filmed in Hong Kong!!!!! But I can dream, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!I loved Enter the Dragon!!!!!!!! I loved that movie!!!!!!! "Fear, not anger!!!!!!" Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
OK, so on to the food at Far East Cafe!!! Like I said, I don't know much about Chinese food!!!! I don't even know what a lot of the stuff we ordered was called, but it was good!!!! I have no complaints about this food!!!! If you like Chinese and you're tooling around Chinatown in San Francisco, walking in the footsteps of Wah Ching, why not come to Far East Cafe and eat some Chinese food?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Why not?!?!?!?!?!?! From what I could gather, the food here is good and would rival anyplace in all of Chinatown!!!! Take a look at the pictures below and judge for yourself!!!!! In the immortal words of Jack Burton, "Okay. You people sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we're not back by dawn... call the president." I don't even know what that means or how it's relevant to this review, but I love that movie!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! OK, I'm done!!!!!!!!! 

Fat Slice Pizza: Unparalleled Fodder!!!!!

You know, I truly and utterly believe that I have found the meaning of life!!!! I believe I have!!!!! At least I've found what it is for me!!!!! And it doesn't have anything to do with what cooky fundamentalist Christians, earthy mystics who dance around a fire pit at 1am gazing at stars, or what mentally exhausted nihilists have to say about what the principles are which will guide one into alignment with the highest existential experience of bipedal homo-sapiens!!!!!!!! What is the meaning of life you might ask?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, if you've read past blog posts of mine then you actually might know what the meaning of life is, according to me!!!!! Not the Ancient Greeks, Stoics, Epicureans, Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Animists, nor smelly Berkeley girls who haven't shaved their armpits, used deodorant, or changed their clothes for weeks know what the meaning of life is!!!!!!! They have no idea!!!!!! And what is the answer to this hotly debated and deeply thought out question since the dawn of man you might ask?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I say it's this: Eating a lot of really good tasting food, then getting drunk off of either craft beer, wine, or powerful cocktails!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I laugh, but you know what?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I believe that statement!!!!!! And in this postmodern world we live in today, who's to say I'm wrong?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Then again, who am I to say that anybody else is wrong?!?!?!?!?! It's all relative, right?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But you know what, look at the header of my blog!!! The verse from the book of Ecclesiastes pretty much is in agreement to what my answer is to the meaning of life!!!!! Eat good food and drink good drink!!!!! Hey, maybe the Christians and Jews do have the answer to the meaning of life!!!! And I guess the Epicureans were on to something too!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! I mean, there's just something about how when good food touches my lips and engages with the taste buds that just causes the priorities of my life to completely change!!!!!! Instead of wanting to connect with people and do a good turn daily, I'd rather just seek out the next intoxicating bite of cuisine that will cause me to go halfway insane, as well as carve out a good portion of my day to drink fine tasting booze with whatever that fine fodder is that swirls through my mouth!!!!!!!! Gotta leave some time to recover from my hangover, you know?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! And that's why I'll never ever get married or have children!!!!!!! NEVER!!!!!! Overeating and getting drunk is just too damned important when it comes to living a joyful and fulfilling life!!!!! Hey, and if you have kids and get married, you can no longer stuff your face with salty food and over imbibe on alcohol with the regularity or frequency that deep down every single human soul years for!!!!!! If you have kids and a wife you've got to share your time and money with them, and it's not cool watching your parents get hammered on the couch or at the dinner table every night!!! Believe me, I know!!!!! I wouldn't want to subject anybody to that!!!!! But, I really do feel like I have discovered the joy of this life and it's so simple, yet so beautiful!!!!!! One more time, what is the meaning of life?!?!?! It's good food and alcohol!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

OK, so over the summer I was watching women's water polo during the Olympics and I became a big admirer of female water polo players!!!! Those broad shoulders, tight Speedo swimsuits, and the physicality of those girls splashing around in the pool was so completely hot!!!!!! With that, I sent a tweet to one of the players on the USA women's water polo team for fun, and you know what?!?!?! She responded to me!!!!! After that I went to her Wikipedia page and saw that she went to school at UC Berkeley!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Don't worry, I'm not an creeper!!!!!! But being that I was going to be in Berkeley, or at least near it, I sent her a tweet a few weeks later asking her for food recommendations near the campus in Berkeley!!!!! And she responded to me again!!!!!! How cool is that!?!?!?!?! She told me that Fat Slice Pizza on Telegraph was a go to when in Berkeley!!!!! Hey, other than Top Dog and Zachary's, I don't really know anything about the food scene in Berkeley!!!!!!! So getting a recommendation, especially from a bona fide US Olympic gold medalist, who happens to be pretty damned cute and went to school at Berkeley, was something I absolutely needed to follow up with!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! So I hopped on to the BART, got off on University in downtown Berkeley and walked up to Fat Slice to do some damage!!!!!!! It was like 11am when I walked through the doors and they were just pulling some freshly baked pies out of the ovens!!!!! Holy God!!! The smell of that freshly baked dough, fresh cheese, sauce, and spicy pepperoni just as it was coming out of the oven, smelled better than a bottle of Febreeze probably did to those people who've been stuck cruising on the Triumph for the past week!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! When I walked up to the counter, I wanted the full gamut of this mass of salty Italian pastry!!!!!!! With that, I think that maybe I've become a bit more refined when it comes to my pizza tasting!!!!! I've learned that a good pizza is in the sauce, crust, and cheese!!!! Whereas the toppings are important, it's all about the sauce, crust, and cheese!!!!!!! So, I just went with straight up cheese and straight up pepperoni, 2 slices each!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! When they gave me my slices I found a seat in the back room and there were a couple of homeless dudes grinding down slices of Fat Slice too!!!! Hey, if you're using the dope or booze money you panhandled for for hours to spend on this pie, you know it's special, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! 

When I picked up my first slice of pizza, it was so light and fluffy, yet it had a good denseness to it!!!! When the tip of that triangular shaped Italian plunder entered my mouth, the combination of that grease, cheese, sauce and bread was some of the most unparalleled tasting fodder I have ever experienced!!!!! Their cheese was so milky and gooey I swear to God I think they may have had a cow farm out back and the milk in their cheese came straight from the cow's udder like 10 minutes earlier!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Oh my God this pizza was heavenly and I absolutely fell in love with it!!!!!! Also, I started to develop feelings for the water polo player I had been tweeting, even though we've never met!!!!!! For her to recommend such a wonderful tasting pizza slice, speaks volumes to the beauty of her soul!!!!!!!! But she's an Olympic gold medalist!!!!! She would never go out with me, would she?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Now I'm sad!!!!!! But wait, relationships aren't the meaning of life, it's food and beer!!!!! I can just stuff my face and get drunk and the thought of being in a relationship will leave me immediately!!!!! What was I thinking?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Fat Slice Pizza is awesome pie!!!!! The Cal Berkeley frat guys and sorority girls have it made with fat slice as I'm sure this pizza hits the spot after a long night of slamming Nasty Light and Milwaukee's Beast!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Hey, when in Berkeley do this place!!!! It rivals some other place called Blondies, but don't bother going there!!!!! This pizza has everything you look for in a good pie!!!!!! Do this place and do it hard!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I love you Fat Slice!!!!

Red's Java House: A Nice Place to Destroy Your Workout!!!!!

I love Anthony Bourdain!!!! He hands down has the greatest job in the history of the civilized world!!!!! I mean, who in the hell else gets to travel first class all around the world, overeat every single day of the week, get sloshed on many varietals of booze each night and then write about it!!!!!!!! Oh wait, if you're a professional baseball player I guess each of those things kind of sums of your life too, right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Right?!?!?!??!?!?!?!? Oh my God what a wonderful existence Bourdain and professional baseball players have!!!!! I hear baseball players get an all you can eat buffet in the clubhouse after each game with high quality food!!!!!! Plus they get like a $100 food stipend each day!!!!! Making it to the big leagues really is a dream come true!!!!!!!! Screw the money!!!! Forget the skanky groupies!!!!! Who cares about the glory of the roaring crowd chanting your name!!!!!!! But being able to eat that much good food on a regular basis is the true dream and the real reward of years of hard work in making it to the big leagues!!!!!!!! That's a fact!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! So anyway, I saw on No Reservations that when Bourdain was in San Francisco, he ate at a historic looking burger shanty right underneath the Bay Bridge on the San Francisco Bay Trail called Red's Java House!!!! Apparently Red's Java House has been in business for over 100 years and has served the long shore men, dock workers, junkies, and drunk cyclists for breakfast and lunch for the past century!!!!!! Celebrities have been frequenting Red's for years as well as there are myriad photos on the wall of all kinds of famous people who came to this historic eatery to stuff their faces with Reds' runny eggs and greasy burgers!!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! This is a destination spot for sure!!!!! But to be honest with you, the only reason I came to Red's was to continue to follow in the footsteps of Bourdain and eat as he ate and get drunk as he got drunk in San Francisco!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
I think it was a Sunday afternoon when I walked in to Red's!!!!! As soon as you walk in, Red's has this old school vintage feel to it with a 40's or 50's decore!!!!!! You get the sense that very little has changed at Red's over the past century!!!!!!! But when you walk out back, there's a bar and patio where you can dine while outside and get your drink on while getting multiple whiffs of rotting fish and the petroleum infested waters of the San Francisco Bay!!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Anyway, when I walked up to the counter at Red's to place my order, I just went old school and ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and beer!!!!! I had stuffed my mouth full of sausages at the Ferry Building Market just before I came to Red's so I wasn't feeling the hunger like I had hoped!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I took my number and found a seat by the bar where there was this busted, fuzzy pictured TV set with big black vertical line running through the picture!!!!!! As I was sitting at my table, sipping my beer, I noticed that the bar in the back of Red's was filled with tight short cyclists who probably just did like 25 miles through the hills of San Fran.!!!!!!! My thought was, "aren't you completely ruining your workout and all the calories you just burnt by doing shots of Jaeger and slamming burgers after your ride?!?!?!?!?!?!" But whatever!!!!! I guess you can justify anything you eat after a long ride if you're trying to keep up your girlish figure in check!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha!!!!!
OK, so the food at Red's was average... Not bad, but not great. The burger and fries were pretty standard. Also, the bun is like a baguette and it's very hard and dry, which is a bad combination to have, especially for sex.... Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! OK OK, I'll clean it up!!!!! My point is, the burger was kind of difficult to eat with the bun being the way it was!!!!! However, the view of the Bay Bridge on the back patio is pretty amazing!!!! And, given the history of Red's Java House, its definitely a place one should visit while in the Bay Area!!!!! Oh, and if you wanted to booze with a bunch of drunk cyclists, then this is your place!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Do this place for sure!!!!!! Mad love, Reds!!!!! Mad love!!!!!!!!