Albertaco's: Not the Best I've Ever Had, But Not Bad.

So, I have been to Albertaco’s on three different occasions, and to be perfectly blunt and honest, have failed to understand the hype surrounding this establishment!!! I’ve noticed on urbanspoon that it’s ranked as the number 5 “cheap eats” place in all of Orange County. Plus, one of my co-workers who went to Saddleback College, which Albertaco’s is right across the street from, swears by this place! I mean she goes ga ga every single time the topic of Mexican Food is brought up in a coversation around the office!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! Albertaco’s has been on my radar for quite some time and I was excited to try it, and quite honestly really really really really wanted to like this place!!! We're talking desperately wanting to like!!!!! I mean as I sat eating my Albertaco's Mexican Food, I was looking for excuses or anyhing I could latch on to about this fare that would cause my emotions to inflame so I could write an over the top review of this Mission Viejo eatery!!! I tried, Albertaco! I swear to you that I tried!!!!! I dug down deep into the portals of my heart and soul and failed to muster up any kind of passionate depiction or feeling over my experience eating at Albertaco's!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Look, I try to keep it positive around here and I like to have fun with my reviews! But if I want to be taken seriously as a food blogger, then I have to dish out a little bit of negativity when it comes across my palette. I don’t like being negative and I would never ever tell somebody to not eat someplace unless the food and or service is exceptionally poor (or if your name is Gilley’s in Las Vegas).  So let’s just establish that right off the bat!! In no way does this review of Albertaco’s mean you should not eat here! Try the food for yourself! You may have a much better experience than I did!! Also, let me just say that the food at Albertaco’s is not bad at all. It’s not low quality or poor in any way!!! The owners and employees at Albertacos work very hard and take noticeable pride in their food!!! And for that, I say to Albertaco, Muchos Gracias por todo!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

So the other day as I was driving down to San Diego, I stopped here for lunch to give Albertaco’s one last shot!! I ordered a Carne Asada Burrito, 3 fish tacos, and a chicken quesadilla!!!! I ate every last bite of my food, so it couldn’t have been that bad, right?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! First off let me say that the carne asada burrito was fine. The carne asada had good flavor, and the fillings of rice, beans, guacamole and salsa complimented everything nicely!!! I was off to a good start!!!! I then moved on to my fish tacos!!! The downfall with these fish tacos was the white sauce. It was overly-mayonaisey and sweet, which just didn’t work for me!!! But, I ate all three of them, so again, it couldn’t have been too bad!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I then capped off my Mexican feast with their chicken quesadilla!!! There wasn’t anything fantastic about the chicken quesadilla unfortunately. The flavors were kind of bland and the combination of everything together didn’t do much for me!!! The quesadilla was huge though and I had to push through some pain to squeeze that mother down in to my gut!!! But I did it!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

If you’re deciding whether or not to eat at Albertaco’s, I would say, go! Heck if there was a night sometime in the future where I was really lusting for some Mexican food, I could see myself returning!!! Go to Albertaco’s! They are worthy of your business! They will not give you bad food by any means!! It’s just that I’ve had Mexican food that in my opinion is much better! Not sure why they are the 5^th ranked cheap eats place in all of OC! But hey, they’re doing something right!!! 

DG Burger: A Damn Good Burger, at Damn Good Burger!!!!

I first heard about DG Burger when I saw that it was the “talk of the town” in Orange County on Urbanspoon.com. And I am always on the hunt for a good burger to eat! Always!! But I’ve gotta admit that when I saw DG Burger was actually in the private dining room at Charlie Palmers in Bloomingdale’s at South Coast Plaza, I thought it might be a little too high society for me! I mean who the hell can afford to shop and eat at South Coast Plaza these days?!?! Oh wait, I know who... Those blonde haired blue eyed USC grads who live in Newport Beach and act like nobody else on the planet is relevant or exists except for them. Talk about an obnoxious, self-centered, cultish, group of people... Shesus!!! Hell, the Branch Davidians in Waco think USC people are annoying!! David Koresh wanted to be president of USC, but was ultimately rejected because he lacked the insane Marshall Applewhite glare in his eyes which USC requires of its people!!! You want an example of horrible people who in essence do nothing more in life than fill up space that otherwise useful people would occupy?!?!?! Look no further than the graduates of USC!!! Hell, USC is the only university in the country which I know of that offers the major, “Managing Daddy’s Inheritance.” God  what a sad commentary on humanity that USC is!! Hang your head in shame, losers!!! What a disgusting institution filled with spoiled, arrogant, myopic pigs who contribute nothing to the world!!!! Oh wait, George Lucas graduated from USC and he brilliantly thought up of Jar-Jar Binks. I stand corrected. Thank you for your offering to the world, Mr. Lucas. USC must be very proud of you. Oh and your screenplay and directing of Attack of the Clones was just brilliant. I mean the writing of the romance between Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen was just so convincing that I was in utter shock when Natalie and yourself got nominated for Razzies in the categories of worst actress, director, writer, and picture, but lost! But you did win the worst screenplay Razzie, so bravo USC and Mr. Lucas for your wonderful accomplishments and donations to the world!  But you’re worth many billions, so, whatev. I guess you’ll have the last laugh...

Anyway, I work for a living and do my best to give back and help my fellow man in whatever capacity possible, unlike those reprehensible USC idiots!!! Needless to say, I was out of my element walking around South Coast Plaza and sitting down in the private dining room at Charlie Palmers!! But it’s about the food, so I decided that on this day I would bring a certain focused intensity to my eating and not worry about the abhorrent USC grads I was rubbing shoulders with!!! OK, on to the food...

At DG Burger, you order your food at the counter from a guy who I guess is a fine-dining waiter from Charlie Palmers, and then take a seat in their upscale private dining room! They give you a number and bring you your food in paper containers and checkered wax paper!!! It’s an interesting combination here of high-end dining and a casual burger joint! They even had a flat screen in there with Sportscenter turned on so I could watch my football highlights while waiting for my food!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!! When my burger was brought to me it looked and smelled absolutely delicious! I ordered my DG Burger with cheddar and it came with lettuce, tomato, onions, and their special DG Sauce!!!! When I stacked all of the toppings together and lathered up the beef with a healthy dose of ketchup, I squeezed that burger together and inhaled it like I was Morton Downey Jr. sucking on a cigarette!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! It was juicy, flavorful, and I felt completely gratified as I chewed down that food and as my esophagus pulled it down into my barren, growling stomach!!! Now, my expectations were pretty damn high for this place, after all, their name is “Damn Good Burger.” I was expecting nothing short of a damn good burger, and you know what?!?!?!?! It was a damn good burger at Damn Good Burger!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Perhaps not in the same class as some of the elite burgers I have sampled over time, yet an incredibly worthy burger that lives up to its billing as being damn good!!!! Also, their fries are very nice!! There’s something in how they fry them that makes the potatoes very succulent and enjoyable to eat!!! I don’t know, maybe the flavor of the fries was just my imagination, but the fries stood out as being some of the finer spuds I've had the pleasure of devouring! 

After a long day of walking around South Coast Plaza and blowing your wad on over-priced clothes and accessories, DG Burger will go a long way in curing whatever guilt or buyers resmorse you may feel for the irresponsible spending habits you partook in for the day!!!! Hey, I guess that’s why all the USC grads are there, right?!?! They know that eventually daddy will see the credit card statement and those spoiled, useless, Trojans who frequent South Coast Plaza spending their time, money and resources on themselves and material possesions while thumbing their noses at a world in need, will have some explaining to do!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! It makes complete sense as to why all the USC degenerates crowd this place!!! When at South Coast Plaza, treat yourself to a DG Burger!!! Do it because this is a damned good burger, despite having to be around those .... "people" from USC!!!!!! Eat hard!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Berkeley Dog: Simply Marvelous!!!!

Hot Dogs and Sausages have always had a special place in my heart!!! Especially when I suck down that encased pork in a tube and it gets lodged in my chest cavity from eating too much too quickly. then it quite literally has a special place in my heart!!!! I mean, I can gulp down sausages and frankfurters like I'm washing down an ice cold glass of water in the middle of the desert on a hot summer's day!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Let's just say that I have capitalized on numerous occasions while at Dodger Stadium sitting in the All You Can Eat Pavillion and going back every single inning for Dodger Dogs and Nachos with all the fixings!!!! I do it right, baby!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahaha!!! I want it to be known that in my opinion, when Frank McCourt made the business savvy decision to give fans the option to sit in the Right Field Pavilion and stuff down as many Dodger Dogs as humanly possible, it was a moment that rivals the Kirk Gibson Game 1 home run in 1988, the signing of Manny Ramirez, a Sandy Koufax no-hitter, and Fernandomania in the early 80's!!!! Though Mr. McCourt's reign as Dodger owner is mired in scandal and controversy, he made the most important and significant decision in Los Angeles Dodger's history.... He let us eat as many Dodger Dogs as we want as long as we were willing to pay a little extra for seats in right field!!!!!! You Mr. McCourt, are a genius!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! OK, my point is that I love hot dogs and sausage and I have done some major damage to the swine industry in this country!!!!! I am proud of the work I have done in the name of keeping the pig farms in business in the midst of a struggling economy!!!!! I have probably single handedly paid the mortgage of at least a handful of those working in the pork industry!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
OK OK, Berkeley Dog!!! If you follow my blog, you may remember that not too long ago, I was in the Bay Area and upon my entrance into Marin County, my first stop wasn't the Golden Gate Bridge, the Trans America Building, Alcatraz, or Fisherman's Wharf!!!! No no no no no no no!!!!! My first stop.... Top Dog on Durant in Berkeley!!!!! Home to world famous hot dogs and sausages!!!! I pounded hot dogs and sausages like a star that day and often times will go back and read my review of Top Dog to relive that special and brilliant eating moment in my life!!!!!! Now, when I heard that there was a place in the Orange County area called Berkeley Dog, the first thing that popped into my head was, Top Dog in Berkeley!!!!! Oh my God!!!!! Could this be happening?!?!?!?!?!?! I mean, is this for real or is it a dream?!?!?!?!?! A Top Dog like restaurant within driving distance to where I live?!?!?!?!?! I just had to go!!!!! I couldn't wait a single moment more than was necessary to absolutely ravage the pork products residing at Berkeley Dog in Mission Viejo!!!!!!!
Berkeley Dog was about a thirty minute drive for me to get to, and you know what?!?!?! It was well worth it!!!! I got there a few minutes before 11:30am, which is when they opened, and I sat outside the front doors of Berkeley Dog like a puppy dog waiting in the alleyway for scraps from the days leftovers!!! But right when 11:30am hit, I swung open those doors, walked up to the counter, and ordered my sausages with authority!!!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Actually, before I ordered, I asked the guy taking orders about the connection between Top Dog and Berkeley Dog. His response.... "There's no connection at all. We are completely independent of one another. They let us use their artwork, and they are the inspiration behind this place, but we are not connected in any way." I've gotta say, that was a bit disheartening to hear!!! But I was so worked up to guzzle down sausages, I didn't let that hinder me in any way and proceeded to order a Frankfurter, Bockwurst, German Frankfurter, and two orders of fries!!!!!
When my sausage links were finished, I noticed that similarly to Top Dog, Berkeley Dog serves their sausages on a baguette type of bun!!! But oh that pork!! It was so shiny and greasy and beautiful smelling, that I walked over to the condiment bar and proceeded to put onions, relish, mustard, jalepenos, and and and and and yes... Ketchup!!!! I don't give a crap what some people say!!! Ketchup is a g-damn must for any type of sausage!!!! This whole notion that you can't have ketchup on your sausage is a gross injustice that I find deeply offensive and am utterly appalled by!!! Gotta have ketchup on your hot dog!!! You've got to!!!! It's just not the same without it!!!! You can call me a commie bastard all you want but I will douse that tubed pork with a healthy portion of ketchup and enjoy every single last bite that I have with my sausage!!!! That's how I roll!!!!!
So after my sausages were good and loaded up with all the condiments, I went after those dogs like Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino goes after some slutty, intoxicated lassie in a nightclub at 2am!! I mean I went for it and put a whoopin' on those links that Chris Brown would've been proud of!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! Now now, I know there is nothing funny about abusive relationships!!
These sausages were so succulent, juicy and flavorful that after my firtst bite I just had to stop, cross myself, and thank God in heaven for the gift of pork, Muslims, and Jews!!! Of course neither Muslims nor Jews eat pork, so it means more for you and me!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! With each bite I took, mustard, onions, relish, ketchup, and jalepenos would spread across my face and would fall into the palms of my hands!!!! I had to lick my hands and the surrounding parts of my face that could be reached with my tongue after every bite I took!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! And as that greasy sausage and freshly baked baguette sat in my stomach, all of the worries, all of the pain, all of the uncertanty about the future and the outcome of my rotting marriage, simply left me!! Some people would turn to booze or drugs as an escape... Not me!!! I'll take Berkeley Dog any day of the week to numb the pain of life, thank you very much!! (I hope my wife doesn't read this! If she does... I love you baby!). This is high quality sausage and is worth every single cent you spend on them!!! Not far off from Top Dog in Berkeley at all!!! Not at all!!!
Berkeley Dog is beautiful! The sausages are beautifully prepared, taste stupendous, and they take me back to times of sitting in the stands at Dodger Stadium or in the parking lot of the Colisseum or Rose Bowl tailgating before a game!!! There's just nothing like it!!! It's simply marvelous!!!! If you live in Mission Viejo, then you're a lucky son of a b*tch and I envy you!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I'm just kidding! I'm a lover not a fighter!!! But, you owe it to yourself to do this place!!! Do it now and do it hard!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Gilley's: Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places!!!

Upon my recent trip to Vegas, I ended up at this s-hole! Don't ask me how or why, but I just ended up here! Somebody I was with is actually a huge fan of the movie Urban Cowboy, so when we were walking by Treasure Island, well we just had to eat at Gilley's!!! Upon being dragged into Gilley's, my reaction can be summed up best by the words of Lloyd Christmas in the movie Dumb and Dumber, "Yipee!!!" Needless to say, I was a little... no no, I was extremely disappointed when we landed in this inbred, country western lunk head, hang-out!!! When we walked inside, there was a thirty minute wait, so we decided to walk over to the bar or saloon or whatever the hell it's called to have a few pops before our pager buzzed!!! When I walked up to the bar to buy the first round of beers, I was aghast at the selection of beers they had!!!! PBR, Bud Light, Coors, Miller Lite... I mean, really?!?! What the hell is the deal with cowboy's and their piss poor taste in beer?!?!?! I mean, are you guys that unsophisticated and simple that you can't appreciate a craft beer or an import?!?! Or is it that you guys are so close minded and intolerant in your political views that you refuse to experience or support anything outside the borders of the USA?!?!?! And and and... what the hell was the deal with the waitresses?!?! I mean the uniform for a waitress at Gilley's is a bikini with leather chaps!!! Really, Gilley's?!?! I mean, really?!?! Bikini's and leather chaps?!?! Wow!! I mean, how low rent and trashy can you get?!?! How dehumanizing and objectifying can you be towards your fellow human beings?!?!?! Are you really that sexually cheap and immature, cowboy culture, that you get sexually aroused ordering your cheap ass beer from women in bikinis and leather chaps?!?!?! What a disgrace!!! How shameful, cowboy culture is!!! The dude in Deliverance, who has his way with Ned Beatty, is the type of clientele Gilley's is apparently shooting for, but who happen to be straight. However for some, one of the bright spots of American culture is our Country Western culture!! You know, the culture that is musically illiterate with their love of Conway Twitty and Toby Keith, who dance around like absolute jackasses in their cowboy boots and Stetson hats, and who champion people like Hank Williams Jr. and carry him around on their shoulders.... OBAMA!!!!! OWWWHHHHH YEAAAHHHH!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Hank Williams Jr. sucks ass and I'm thrilled to death he no longer does the song for Monday Night Football!!! OK, one last thing and I'm done with this diatribe... They've got a mechanical bull in the bar, just like at the Gilley's in Urban Cowboy!!! And the night we were there they had something going on called, Bikini Bullriding... Once again, a promotion that just screams class and culture!!!! The song from the movie, Lookin' for Love, is absolutely fitting for Gilley's because if your looking for any type of significant relationship with the toothless skanks in this knobby joint, well, you're looking in all the wrong places!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I kept expecting Scott Glenn to walk in wearing his gay ass fish net football jersey with no shirt underneath, Debra Winger by his side, to show Bud how to ride that mechanical bull like a real man!!!! But thank God that didn't happen!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Mercifully, our pager began to vibrate and I was able to get out of that damned saloon!!! We took a seat in the dining room and thankfully the waitresses there were fully clothed!!! Look, despite my disdain for country western culture, I do appreciate the food. I ordered the BBQ Short Rib and found it to be very good! The meat was tender, flavorful, and had the ability to soften my heart towards cowboys... As much as I hate to admit it, the cowboys did something right with their preparation of various meats!!! The sides of potatoes, beans, cole slaw, and corn bread were also very good!! It was a nice, hearty meal that did well in satisfying my hunger!! I can't say that I'll be back to Gilley's, but if you want to hang around some really simple people to boost your self confidence, well, this is the place!!! ... OK look, perhaps I'm being too harsh towards county western folks, but I truly just don't understand the culture!!! Country Western music and culture makes me ashamed to be a white guy!!! I'm ashamed of my race on account of cowboys and hillbillies!!! They're a bunch of simpleton's who discredit the human race!!! You know what, don't support Gilley's! Put this place out of business!! Don't support cowboys and Country Western music!!! Society will be better for it!!! I'm sorry this review is so negative and has flashes of anger!!! But I resent Country Western culture!!!!

Burger Bar: I Don't Want to Lose This Feeling!!!

First off, let me just say that I am not a Vegas guy! In all truthfulness, I don't like Las Vegas! Too much smoke, too many lights, and everybody there walks around with a sense of being entitled to a good time because they're in Las Vegas!!! It's so sickening!!! However, there is an interesting history to Las Vegas, many of the hotels are quite beautiful, and the food scene there, well, it's second to none baby!!! Buffets buffets and more buffets!!! Hmmmm, maybe Vegas isn't so bad afterall!!! I don't give a flying crap about the gambling or the strip clubs!! When I go to Vegas, all I want to do is eat!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! And eat I did upon a recent trip!
Any time I travel someplace out of town, I do my research and try to find which restaraunts are going to be worth my time and money to eat at! Vegas has many restaurants that I wanted to try, but being that I'm a cheap bastard and didn't want to rent a car or pay for a taxi, I kept my eating to the Strip this time around!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
After doing a little research, Burger Bar, located in between Luxor and Mandalay Bay in a little mall, quickly came to the top of my to do list!!! I mean to hell with going to see Jersey Boys, Love, the Thunder from Down Under, or the water show at the Bellagio!!! The only thing I really wanted to do while in Vegas, was eat at Burger Bar!! Upon getting off of the plane, my first stop was in fact Burger Bar! But, to my dismay, each time I went to Burger Bar, there was a huge line and a really long wait! What can I say, I have no patience!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! So, I ended up biding my time and went at a really weird time to eat, like 3:30pm, or something!! But I got right in when I went!!
 I actually first heard about Burger Bar on TV due to the fact that they have a $60 burger on the menu that I think has Kobe beef, truffles, and foie gras! I told myself that if I got lucky in the casino's then I'd parlay my winnings into sampling that $60 burger! That didn't happen!!! But I did load up on too many cocktails, which was.... nice! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
OK, so Burger Bar! I ordered a burger with bacon, cheddar, and chipotle mayo along with the standard lettuce, tomato, and onion!!! Also, I ordered fat fries and a chocolate shake with Oreos!!! When I scooped up my burger I held it in my hands like a sweaty drugged up mother holds her newborn baby after giving birth!!! This burger looked so precious and was so beautiful!!!! Part of me didn't want to eat it as I began to develop feelings for my Burger Bar burger!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! However, whatever emotional connection I had with my food quickly ended as I squeezed a massive bite of that burger into my oval shaped mouth!!! Upon the burger's initial interaction with my taste buds, adrenaline began rushing through my body and I began to feel what a gambler might feel after betting his life savings on the Super Bowl!!!!! What a rush!!! Wow!!! It's the rush, the risk, the living with the knowledge of knowing that your fate and livlihood rests in the hands of a professional athlete or the next card that's dealt from the shoe! If you win, you're set for life!!! But if you lose, you're ruined!!!! What a feeling it must be to be a professional gambler!!! And when you're letting it ride, sitting with that adrenaline rush, you don't ever want to lose that feeling!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! And as I sat at Burger Bar, staring into the soul of my burger, chewing and savoring every nectarous bite of Hubert Kelly's burger concoction, I didn't want it to end!!! I didn't want to lose that feeling!!! I didn't want it to end!!!! I wanted to just keep going and capture that feeling that Burger Bar was bringing to me for as long as I possibly could!!! I would've ordered another one, but it wouldn't have been financially prudent!! Jesus!!! If Burger Bar was illegal I'd probably be homeless living a life of panhandling, pick pocketing, and robbing liquor stores to fuel my Burger Bar habit!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! But if it was illegal, I probably really would!!!
The fries were fine as well, but it was the burger that stole the damned show for me and was the highlight of my trip! Also, the shake was very good!! I would say it's a top-10 shake for me!!! The beautiful thing about the shakes is that you can create different combinations with a great selection of ice-cream and toppings!!! I'm old school with my shakes and go straight up with the chocolate, but I added some Oreo's in the spirit of creativity that Burger Bar encourages with their shake menu!!!
Look, this is a good ass burger!!! Yeah, maybe a bit pricey, but you get what the hell you pay for!!! That's a fact which is not up for debate!!!!! There are many excellent burgers I have sampled in my life, and Burger Bar has got to be right there at the top for me!!!
When in Vegas, skip the Chippendales show, skip hitting the black jack table, or going to the Pawn Stars store!!! Your focus and primary destination when in Vegas, should be Burger Bar!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I'm already plotting as to how I can get back to Vegas so I can have another go around at this place!!!! I can't say enough about Burger Bar!!!! You owe it to your existence as a human being to try one of these burgers before you die!!! Do it now!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Beach Break Cafe: A Whole New World!!!!

Who would've thought that just south of Orange County, past Camp Pendelton, there is a whole new world!!! Yes, just like Ariel emerges from the Ocean to discover an earthy existence, so to was my feeling upon leaving Orange County and entering into the northern most habitation of San Diego County known as Oceanside... I just gotta say, I love Oceanside!!! Yeah, maybe it's kind of a slummy military beach town where hookers used to line Pacific Coast Highway waiting for young marines fresh from boot camp to come with their bonuses and enough pent up sexual energy to extinguish a small brush fire. But hey, it's a town filled with character and heart and you've gotta love that about this place!! And on the eve of Veterans Day, I say, God Bless our troops!!! Anyway, Oceanside is a bit slummy and trashy, but it's a city I love and I wouldn't change a thing about!!! You get a feel that over the past 40-50 years, much of the cities history, buildings, and architecture has been preserved! You get a feel for what life was like in Oceanside long before you were born!!! And the Top Gun house is here!!! You know, the house where Kelly McGillis' character lived!!! Maverick, you're a sly son of a bitch!!!! Ahahahahahahaha!!!! But I love that about Oceanside!!!!!!
As I was tooling around Oceanside, I came across Beach Break Cafe on PCH and decided I was going to hit it hard for breakfast!! To be up front and honest with everybody (all 3 of you who will probably read this!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!) I'm not a huge breakfast guy!! I mean I like breakfast foods, but my usual MO is to skip breakfast, deprive myself of a lot of calories to build up my hunger so that I can experience the pure bliss of filling up my deprived stomach with flavorful and fatty foods while on the brink of starvation!!!! And usually that type of hunger doesn't happen in the morning for me, that is unless it's after a long night of boozing!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
But anyway, I came to Beach Break knowing that it was highly regarded and one of the most popular breakfast spots in all of San Diego County!!! My first impression of this place was that, like Oceanside, it had character and heart!!! Not a corporate restaurant, but a thriving ma and pa type of place with a beach city feel and down to earth clientele and staff!!!! I took a seat at the counter, unfolded a menu, and was shortly thereafter approached by a stunningly beautiful young woman!! When she asked me if I wanted something to drink, I became flustered and had difficulty thinking straight!!! She wasn't wearing a lot of make-up, she wasn't wearing anything professional or super fancy, but she just had this down to earth, quality girl type of look! Jeans, tank top, tan skin, piercing green eyes, and a very lovely and friendly smile!!! Something I never see in this vain s-hole I live in called Orange County!!!! But I can't complain!!! There are worse places in the world to be!!! ORANGE COUNTY YOU ARE MY BITCH LOVER!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
OK, so I digress. On to the food! I ordered the Santa Fe Omelet with hash browns, pancakes, and coffee cake!!! Flat out, this food made me rapturous!!! As I stuck my fork into my Santa Fe Omelet, cutting through the egg, cheese, chorizo, onion, avocado, and sour cream, I thought for a moment Harold Camping might have been on to something, as for a second it felt like I was being raptured up into the heavens to meet with Jesus!!!! It made me feel that joyful!! Wow this food is tasty and I swear to God I thought it was going to send me into the spiritual realm!!!! But I'm still here!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Also, the pancakes were angelic!!! So soft, so buttery, so syrupy, they made me long for the day when I would be reunited with my friends and loved ones who have prematurely passed from this life!!!! I love you guys!!!!! I'm coming soon!!!!! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hahahahahahahahaha!!!! .... Ok, I think I'm fine now... At the end of my meal, they brought out a piece of coffee cake for me to cap off my breakfast! I had been reading that the coffee cake here is excellent, and excellent it was!!! Again, I'm not a huge coffee cake guy, but one of the amazing things I discovered about Beach Break coffee cake, is that when you eat their coffee cake while drinking a cup of coffee, it's really really good!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! What can I say, I'm a little behind the current trends!!!!!
The combination of everything at Beach Break Cafe made for an overall splendid morning and got me off to an absolutely fantastic start of the day!!!! Excellent food, warm atmosphere, and beautiful waitresses!!! And I'm not talking about dolled up, breast augmented, superficial, morally loose, plastic woman in Orange County that make up the vast majority of the female Orange County population!!! Not like a Hooters waitress!! But I'm talking about quality women!!! Women who aren't obsessed with how much money you make, what kind of car you drive, whether or not you're a home owner, or what your social status may be! I'm talking about women who care for you because of who you are and all that other stuff doesn't matter!!! These waitresses are those kind of girls!!! How do I know that?!?! Well, I don't know for sure!!! But I felt a connection with my waitress!!! If you're out there, do you remember me Beach Break Waitress?!?! Do you remember me?!?!?!?! I know you felt the connection I felt!!! I know you did!!!! If you read this, send me a message!!!!! We can make it!!!!! I'll come for you!!!!
Oceanside is a wonderful town filled with character!!!! I am now inspired to frequent Oceanside to sample the many ma and pa eateries that exist in this wonderful city!! Screw you corporate restaurants!!!! I'm supporting the working man!!!! (Actually, I'll still eat at your restaurants. I have low self-control and discipline! Ahahahahahahahaha!!) And, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping to bump in to Beach Break Waitress again while down there!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I know I know, I'm a creeper!!! When in Oceanside, do this place!!! I swear you won't regret it!!!!!

Tomato Pie Pizza Joint: Impress the Chicks!!!!

When I was driving through Silver Lake, looking for Tomato Pie Pizza Joint, I kept thinking of that line from Swingers when Ron Livingstone asks John Favreau where the bar is they are going to. Favreau responds by saying, "For some reason the cool bars in Hollywood have to be hard to find and have no sign. It's kind of like a speakeasy kind of thing. It's kinda cool. It's like you're in on some kind of secret, you know?  You tell a chick you been someplace, it's like braggin' that you know how to find it."

And that is exacly what Tomato Pie Pizza Joint is like!!!! I seriously drove by this place like 5 times!!! There's hardly any signage and it's as though if you've been to Tomato Pie Pizza Joint in Silver Lake, then you're in on some kind of a secret!!!! G-dammit I was getting pissed though! I had the address written down right in front of me, I was staring right at the damn building, but I had no idea it was Tomato Pie Pizza Joint I was staring at!!! But whatev!! I ended up finding it, so all is good!!I guess I'm now in on the secret!!!!! Chick's will dig that I now know this place, right?!?!?!?!?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

In many pizza publications I have read, and on shows presented by either Food Network or Travel Channel, Tomato Pie Pizza Joint in Silver Lake is commonly regarded as one of the finest pizza's in the entire country!!!! Hell, maybe in the entire world!!!! It’s always on everybody's top 10 list!!! Being that I live within driving distance to Silver Lake, I owed it to myself.... no no no no no... I owed it to society, to sample this pizza and see if I truly did live within the presence of  pure greatness!!!

When I finally found the front door, the only thing I had in my mind to order was a pizza called the Tomato Pie which is simply, dough, sauce, and parmesean cheese!!! That's it!! Apparently the Tomato Pie is what has put this place on the map and has caused many a pizza conniseur to place TPPJ in their top 10 of all time!!! I have either or heard or read comment after comment about the championship caliber of the Tomato Pie pizza!!!! In walking up to the counter, they had all of their specialty pizzas on display in the front for those who would want to order only a slice and all of them looked utterly delicious!!!! I stood there at the front staring at the menu and pizzas for a good twenty minutes trying to figure out what I wanted!!! Oh God, the pressure!!! But the guy behind the counter, who was extremely friendly, told me to take my time in deciding!!!! There's no rush, he said!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! As I glared at the menu and at the pizzas behind the glass, I swear to God I felt like George W. Bush in 2002 when he was weighing the decision to go to war with Iraq!!!!!! This decision about what pizza to order was going to be absolutely massive for me and had the potential to change the course of my entire existence as well as my legacy as a human being!!!!! The type of anticipation I felt in wanting to eat this pizza was like a Mormon anticipating the moment he would lie with his wife for the very first time!!!! But like G.W., I was torn!! I may regret some of the decisions I made that day at Tomato Pie Pizza Joint with my ordering, but I don't have time to live with  regrets!!!!!! I stand by my decision wholeheartedly!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

I ended up ordering a medium Tomato Pie as well as a medium Mr. White, which was cheese, garlic, oil, ricotta, and a hell of a lot of grease!!!!! Ahahahahahahaha!!! I also added  an order of garlic knotts!!!!

I initially ordered all of my food to go, but the smell of pizza exuding  from the oven in the other room was emitting such a glorious scent, that I decided I needed to eat this pizza right then and there!!! The hunger pangs just grew too much for   me to resist and the second they called my number I snatched my pies from the hands of the LA hipster who had just pulled them out of the oven, took a seat in a booth, and began shoveling slices of pizza into my face like a Cal Trans worker  shovels gravel onto a newly resurfaced highway!!!! First off, I've gotta say that sauce/crust combination with the parmesean of the Tomato Pie was immensely pleasing to my palette!!! Great crispy crust and marvelous sauce!!!!! But I didn't want to eat it all then and there, I wanted to save some of this pizza for later, for a private moment alone in my room!!! You know, just me and the pizza!!!! Can you understand that?!?!?!?!? Ahhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! So, I hopped into my car, jumped onto the 405 and began hurrying home as quickly as I possibly could!!! But that damned LA traffic always ruins your life each and every time you encounter it!!! I mean, it doesn't matter what day of the week it is or what time of day it is, there is always bumper to bumper to traffic in some part of LA at any given moment!!!! Free your people, Gov. Brown!!!! Liberate your citizens Mayor Villaragosa!!!! Attention Great Britian!!!! Invade the United States immediately and force our leaders to build us some sort of mass public transportation system so we can all move about freely!!!!! We are an oppressed people in Southern California!!!! Please help us!!!! Somebody do something about this traffic!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! As I sat in gridlock for what felt like hours on end: clutch, gas, break, clutch, gas, break, clutch, gas, break, clutch, gas, break... eventually the smell of my Tomato Pie  and Mr. White simply became irrisistable!!!!  I so badly wanted that private moment with Tomato Pie in the comfort of my own home, but in a moment of extreme weakness, I lost all self-control and began picking up slice after slice of my Tomato Pie Pizza Joint pizza, practically crumpling it up like a piece of used notebook paper, and stuffing it into my anger filled mouth while sitting in horrendous LA traffic!!! Clutch, gas, break, bite, clutch, gas, break, bite, napkin wipe,  bite, bite, bite, bite, napkin wipe, clutch, gas, break, clutch, gas, break.... Ahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I found  that the flavors of the Tomato Pie and the Mr. White complimented each other so so nicely!!! I went back and forth back and forth!!!!! One slice of Tomato Pie, one slice of Mr. White, one slice of Tomato Pie, one slice of Mr. White!!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I was a little dissapointed in myself for lacking in self-control and not being able to wait until I got home to eat my pizza, but I gotta say, after I finished eating in traffic, suddenly, life wasn't all that bad!!!! There was a certain healing and contentment this pizza  brought about!!! I just felt real... chill, you know?  Thank you Tomato Pie!!!!

Look, I like to write positive things and give hyperbolic statements regarding the many fine eateries I've visited. I'll say this; Tomato Pie Pizza Joint is fantastic pizza!!!! When in the Hollywood/Silver Lake area, do this place! But is this place among the top 10 pizzas in all of the US?!?! Honestly, I'd have to say, no... But it's good and I give Tomato Pie Pizza joint my full endorsement!!!! (Whatever the hell that's worth!!! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!!!) Silver Lake possesses a beautiful thing in Tomato Pie Pizza Joint!!!! If you eat here, your life will be better for it!!! And and and... You'll impress the chicks!!!! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! Do this place, and do it hard!!!!!!!! You're so money and you don't even know it!!!!